random headachy painful sad vlog involving a sick friend and my grandmother's family history book.

[serafaery]

Hi. I recorded this in the morning, but had to rush off to work right after so didn't get a chance to share it until now. I might end up locking this entry later, as it is intensely personal and excessively vulnerable, but for now I'll just put it here.

My headache morphed into a migraine while working, today. I just need to rest, tonight. Josh (my husband) is all excited about a TV show he wants to share with me, but I just want to sleep.

Having my parents die young from complications from substance abuse (dad got lung cancer, most likely from all the chain smoking, drinking, drugs, and poor diet, and died at 59; mom got alcohol-induced dementia and died basically from that, though technically from pneumonia, at 78 after a looooong drawn out ordeal with dementia that lasted over ten years), both of them in debt and utterly disconnected from their friends and families, aside from my brother and I, has definitely left me floundering in the world. It feels pretty awful, sometimes.

But I am cared for and I have things that matter to me now. I am trying to build a gentle little life with the leftover scraps, for the short time that I am still here. I have no children to pass anything on to, so I'm not sure whether anything I do matters to anyone, really, aside from my spouse and my friends, and to an extent my brother, but he is emotionally abusive and he steals from me (there were literal thefts but mostly just never paying back what he owed or tricking me into paying for something he had said he would pay for, etc., the list goes on) and insults me any chance he gets and takes advantage of me, and looking back I realize that he's always hated me, his entire life, and all I've done is try to win him over, and I'm pretty sure my mom hated me, too - I mean, she literally disowned me - and I was doing the same with her. Dad loved me, at least, but he was also barely around, he left when I was three, and didn't come back until I was sixteen and didn't live to see my 26th birthday, so. Yeah. Anyway. Here's this sad unloading from this morning. It's a little over fourteen minutes long.

(PS: I remembered to put the herbs in this time - fresh thyme and rosemary - and the pot roast came out perfectly. Josh has already devoured his half.)

Watch on YouTube

Comments

[in_sufficientdata]

I'm sorry you're struggling with all this. It's true that things are just things, but it also means something when we're able to hang onto the things family members wanted us to have. And those relationships matter, too. I hope that you're able to feel better with your friends' help and your husband's help.

[serafaery]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment, it is amazing how much better it made me feel reading this, it really did make a warm cozy significant impact in my day and I appreciate your time and care so much. I am so lucky in so many ways, and I try to maintain a strong gratitude practice and keep the good things held in my heart, even when I'm hurting. My brother does indeed have the remaining candlestick holder, it turns out, and I am so thankful that he's been able to care for it when my mom and I were unable. My friends and my husband have been so warm and gentle and supportive, too, it all is wonderful and soothing and brings me peace, I am so grateful for them, and also for your thoughts, thank you so much for taking the time to share :)

[darkwillows]

A family history book - how cool! I wish I had something like that to dig into.

Those candlesticks sound so awesomely gothic and I get it; I get why you feel the way you feel about them and what they represent, but you’ve got to let it go. It helps being philosophical about such things and think of transient nature of all things - possessions, relationships - they come and go. Take things as they come.

You’re amazing.

[serafaery]

It is such a wonderful gift. I remember thinking of how lucky I was to have such a thing, whatever has kept me from reading it is frustrating and something I might want to address in therapy - unexplained blocks usually have some sort of unaddressed childhood trauma source.

They are quite gothic actually! I did finally get up the nerve to ask my brother and he does have the one single one that survived, so I'm very grateful for that, and for him for taking care of it. I wanted to thank you for your thoughtful and gentle comment, though, it really did help in the moment when I was spinning out a bit too much over it. I appreciate you and am grateful :)

[michaelboy]

Awww, I'm so sorry you are hurting. Sometimes the seemingly smallest things can cause the biggest hurt. I love the honesty in your small video which too is a really big thing -- to open up as you have.

I can imagine you, at times
might feel like a rootless tree with so little to support and sustain you. I do see you loving so much around you and I tell you, young lady, that this matters and will leave an important mark greater than you may ever know. I appreciate you.

[serafaery]

Thank you so much for your kind and gentle thoughts here, it really is so comforting and it helps so much to feel witnessed and accepted for whatever and wherever I am in the moment. I love the idea of small and gentle things mattering, in their way, I am grateful for your wisdom and insight and unique perspective and caring, thank you so much. I appreciate you and I am so grateful you are here. :)