ghost season
Oct. 8th, 2025 05:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryI hit a wall on my list of things to do today while driving around like a madwoman trying to get it all done and realizing I was dangerously overdue for an oil change. I got that done but it was SLOW and I was just done after that.
Lots of documents to go through for the house but we're chipping away at it, look at us, being adults together.
I think because of the house buying process, because of my mammogram tomorrow and my friend's breast cancer not responding to chemo, remembering my mom's house getting foreclosed on, watching her lose everything and become a ward of the state with alcohol-induced dementia, and then having to escort her through endometrial cancer radiation and surgeries, the childlike nostalgia I have over the changing weather and Halloween, I just hit a tsunami of unbearable grief, in the midst of all the errands, today.
(Funny, I dreamed I died in a tsunami the other night. Usually my deaths while in nightmares - it happens a lot - are from violent other humans with guns or knives, or falling, or fire. I think this might have been my first drowning death.
Last night, I dreamed I was caught by a sea monster that always kills its prey, but it was a mythical creature, not unlike a mermaid, selkie, or kelpie, or watery vampire being of some sort. I can't remember what the name was for it, but it had three or four syllables, it was something like waterwidower? The others in the boat knew the difference, and so did I, before it grabbed me, all of us exclaiming, that is no mermaid. It was male, and it was verbal, it was sort of shaped like a dolphin but not, like maybe it had a humanoid torso I dunno, and we talked and laughed as he started the first of three processes of his feeding. The first phase was extremely sensual and delicious to experience, even though I was choking a little bit in the water. He kept me warm and somehow allowed me to breathe while we swirled together in the cold endless ocean. I was more than happy to cough and sputter during this luxurious process. It wasn't sex but it was sexy. When he was finished, I asked it if he could survive just doing this stage and letting us go, and explained that once women got a taste of it, they would fling themselves into the water at him willingly, if he were to offer this and let them go otherwise unharmed. No more risky hunting and stealing female humans from boats in the dark while men hunted him. Catch and release? He seemed to be considering it, lol. I assumed I would die there that night with him, but it couldn't hurt to ask.)
...
Missing my mom suddenly and devastatingly, today.
I miss my dad, too. He died 25 years ago.
I miss what it felt like to have grandparents, as a small child (my dad's parents were no longer living when I was born, but my mom's were around when I was little.)
Wishing for a relative to laugh/cry over the osteo-arthritis in my hands commonly termed "Mommy Thumbs," while never having had the chance to be a mommy.
There are many blessings in my life. But also many gaping black holes of loss that I sometimes stumble into, unaware, unexpectedly, and then I'm lost in the dark for a few moments/hours/days.
I think I have a ghost child who has unintentionally injured my hands with her invisible yet chronic neediness. Maybe she made friends with Lunar, who has haunted our apartment since his death. I don't believe in ghosts, not even cat ghosts, but that doesn't change the fact that Lunar is haunting this apartment.
Lots of documents to go through for the house but we're chipping away at it, look at us, being adults together.
I think because of the house buying process, because of my mammogram tomorrow and my friend's breast cancer not responding to chemo, remembering my mom's house getting foreclosed on, watching her lose everything and become a ward of the state with alcohol-induced dementia, and then having to escort her through endometrial cancer radiation and surgeries, the childlike nostalgia I have over the changing weather and Halloween, I just hit a tsunami of unbearable grief, in the midst of all the errands, today.
(Funny, I dreamed I died in a tsunami the other night. Usually my deaths while in nightmares - it happens a lot - are from violent other humans with guns or knives, or falling, or fire. I think this might have been my first drowning death.
Last night, I dreamed I was caught by a sea monster that always kills its prey, but it was a mythical creature, not unlike a mermaid, selkie, or kelpie, or watery vampire being of some sort. I can't remember what the name was for it, but it had three or four syllables, it was something like waterwidower? The others in the boat knew the difference, and so did I, before it grabbed me, all of us exclaiming, that is no mermaid. It was male, and it was verbal, it was sort of shaped like a dolphin but not, like maybe it had a humanoid torso I dunno, and we talked and laughed as he started the first of three processes of his feeding. The first phase was extremely sensual and delicious to experience, even though I was choking a little bit in the water. He kept me warm and somehow allowed me to breathe while we swirled together in the cold endless ocean. I was more than happy to cough and sputter during this luxurious process. It wasn't sex but it was sexy. When he was finished, I asked it if he could survive just doing this stage and letting us go, and explained that once women got a taste of it, they would fling themselves into the water at him willingly, if he were to offer this and let them go otherwise unharmed. No more risky hunting and stealing female humans from boats in the dark while men hunted him. Catch and release? He seemed to be considering it, lol. I assumed I would die there that night with him, but it couldn't hurt to ask.)
...
Missing my mom suddenly and devastatingly, today.
I miss my dad, too. He died 25 years ago.
I miss what it felt like to have grandparents, as a small child (my dad's parents were no longer living when I was born, but my mom's were around when I was little.)
Wishing for a relative to laugh/cry over the osteo-arthritis in my hands commonly termed "Mommy Thumbs," while never having had the chance to be a mommy.
There are many blessings in my life. But also many gaping black holes of loss that I sometimes stumble into, unaware, unexpectedly, and then I'm lost in the dark for a few moments/hours/days.
I think I have a ghost child who has unintentionally injured my hands with her invisible yet chronic neediness. Maybe she made friends with Lunar, who has haunted our apartment since his death. I don't believe in ghosts, not even cat ghosts, but that doesn't change the fact that Lunar is haunting this apartment.
