give me something to believe in.
Oct. 22nd, 2025 01:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryI'm soooooooo sad, I had to get a sudden breast biopsy yesterday with no warning, and I'm not supposed to do anything exerting, so I cannot climb Dog Mountain today as planned, I wanted to go sooooooo badly.
I took a walk around my old neighborhood, bought way too expensive groceries, and got a coffee that was way too sweet (it was called "butter coffee" but it's just a boatload of sugar, gross - I was expecting like a paleo MCT oil aka "bullet coffee" type flavor, sigh, sugar is the last thing I need when I have suspicious looking calcifications and am getting checked for cancer) after taking Josh to the airport for another work trip. He hasn't recovered from the last trip and is nervous about traveling again so soon, I worry for him.
I thought, okay, I will pivot and FINALLY get the floors swept and pull out Halloween decorations, since I can't hikw, but here it is 2pm and I'm shut down and not moving :(
My boob hurts :(
Trying to journal myself out of the paralysis.
I want to bake, also, I need to use up pumpkin and sweet potato.
Most important is cleaning, Avalanche is starting to get irritated from the dirty floors (her eyes swell up if I let it go too long, poor baby).
The sun popped back out, I wish I were on a hike in the gorge, I thought about doing something smaller like Angel's Rest, but it's so pretty here today I think I will try to just do a bike ride later instead, sunset-ish bike rides can be nice, despite the traffic - once I get off the busy streets it can be quite pleasant. I like watching the sky change and the crows head to roost. Sunrise this morning was glorious.
Maybe if I eat a microgreens salad to balance out that gross sugar coffee - my throat is sore from it, which is a common reaction when I have too much sugar, it's very toxic to this little fragile body. It gets hard to resist this time of year with all the candy everywhere. I want! But it makes me sick! But I want!
I have two massive long work days ahead of me and it will be stormy the rest of the month which means we lost our window to get the roof on the house which is sad. But we have a house which is crazy, I know I should be grateful but I'm still mostly just scared and a little bit in shock.
...
We saw Tron: Ares last night and I LOVED it so much! It is wonderful. It might help that I am old enough to have an emotional attachment to the first movie, so all the throwbacks were delightful, and I've had a crush on Jared Leto since MSCL back when I was a teenager. It is, I must say, SO refreshing to see someone in their 50s doing action sequences, it makes me feel less hobbled and feeble and what is the word I'm looking for, haggard I guess - I feel like I can't move smoothly or gracefully like I used to, my quick-twitch movements are fading, I cannot sprint or jump anymore, but Jared did just fine, he could pull off the "superhuman strength" appearance just fine at his age. Maybe all is not quite lost, just yet.
I mean, I have early onset arthritis so part of it is not my age but my genetics.
I feel 60-80 years old, most days. I've felt older than I am since my chronic pain began at age 22, before my hip dysplasia got diagnosed, and after hip reconstruction at age 28 I never really felt youthful again. I've always felt vaguely crippled but making the best of it.
uuugghhh so much of me wants to just curl back up into bed. But a clean apartment would be so wonderful. I will watch some housekeeping videos and eat some salad and see how I feel.
...
A dear friend of mine who has always dealt with her high levels of trauma with avoidance is thinking about seeking therapy due to her crippling anxiety, which she feels is a result of not dealing with her trauma. It makes me think about my obscene level of acceptance of mine, to the point that I have been skirting the edge of ego death for a while, now. I think about my insignificance and lack of mattering in this universe alllll the time. I think about how the self is a made-up concept ALL of the time. How my reactions are just biological results of whatever this body has experienced in its 50 years of existence, how little control I have over anything ever. How I'm never really safe, never really held, never really witnessed fully, never really anything meaningful in this world. I get smaller and smaller and little things mean more and more. I am sinking into that elderly space where just looking at the sky is joyful enough to keep going through the day. simple beauty. I will never matter in whatever way I thought I was supposed do. I am a fleeting speck of dust, will not be missed when I am absorbed back into the un-life-ness of existence. It doesn't matter. But it seems like it does, that's the part that can be hard to contend with. I look it right smack in the face, a LOT. It's not normal. I've been forced into this. It can be really scary and a very sickening, empty feeling. But it's important in order to be okay with the imperfection of this little fleeting life I get to live, for however long. I just. Wish I didn't hate beautiful spectacles of wildlife - I became unable to enjoy any wildlife videos after the polar bears started dying of starvation in the 90s. I can't watch oceans or jungles or birds or anything without a sickening sense of dread, due to the mass extinction event that is happening to all of it. And it is my absolute favorite thing ABOUT this planet. It makes me so sad that I have to turn away from what I love most, because it is too painful to think about it all going away.
Anyway. I have been crippled and an emotional wreck for most of my life, but I still think it's a better tactic to look this sort of messy emotional stuff straight in the face, rather than run from it.
When nearly all of your grandparents and parents die horrifically in front of you, each in their own slow terrible way, each in their own time, there isn't anymore hiding from the painful cruelty of a mortal existence. There are of course beautiful things, too, and it is absolutely critical to focus on those, and not let the horrors take over entirely. But awareness is key. Living in the darkness makes the brightness all the more precious and beautiful and a balm to this frightened, aching, tiny little spirit. Closing the door on it jut makes it loom larger in the background, I suspect. Just the charming twist and twirl of the stem of a pumpkin can be enough to get me through the day. When I'm always aware that nothing will save me and I am doomed to pain and oblivion, eventually. For the moment, I live in heaven, and I try my best to appreciate and relish it and not take it for granted. Look at this sunshine! Look at these stunningly vibrant leaves! Look at these clever, funny crows. Today, despite the pain and difficulty motivating, I can be happy and feel some sense of peace, however fleeting.
I took a walk around my old neighborhood, bought way too expensive groceries, and got a coffee that was way too sweet (it was called "butter coffee" but it's just a boatload of sugar, gross - I was expecting like a paleo MCT oil aka "bullet coffee" type flavor, sigh, sugar is the last thing I need when I have suspicious looking calcifications and am getting checked for cancer) after taking Josh to the airport for another work trip. He hasn't recovered from the last trip and is nervous about traveling again so soon, I worry for him.
I thought, okay, I will pivot and FINALLY get the floors swept and pull out Halloween decorations, since I can't hikw, but here it is 2pm and I'm shut down and not moving :(
My boob hurts :(
Trying to journal myself out of the paralysis.
I want to bake, also, I need to use up pumpkin and sweet potato.
Most important is cleaning, Avalanche is starting to get irritated from the dirty floors (her eyes swell up if I let it go too long, poor baby).
The sun popped back out, I wish I were on a hike in the gorge, I thought about doing something smaller like Angel's Rest, but it's so pretty here today I think I will try to just do a bike ride later instead, sunset-ish bike rides can be nice, despite the traffic - once I get off the busy streets it can be quite pleasant. I like watching the sky change and the crows head to roost. Sunrise this morning was glorious.
Maybe if I eat a microgreens salad to balance out that gross sugar coffee - my throat is sore from it, which is a common reaction when I have too much sugar, it's very toxic to this little fragile body. It gets hard to resist this time of year with all the candy everywhere. I want! But it makes me sick! But I want!
I have two massive long work days ahead of me and it will be stormy the rest of the month which means we lost our window to get the roof on the house which is sad. But we have a house which is crazy, I know I should be grateful but I'm still mostly just scared and a little bit in shock.
...
We saw Tron: Ares last night and I LOVED it so much! It is wonderful. It might help that I am old enough to have an emotional attachment to the first movie, so all the throwbacks were delightful, and I've had a crush on Jared Leto since MSCL back when I was a teenager. It is, I must say, SO refreshing to see someone in their 50s doing action sequences, it makes me feel less hobbled and feeble and what is the word I'm looking for, haggard I guess - I feel like I can't move smoothly or gracefully like I used to, my quick-twitch movements are fading, I cannot sprint or jump anymore, but Jared did just fine, he could pull off the "superhuman strength" appearance just fine at his age. Maybe all is not quite lost, just yet.
I mean, I have early onset arthritis so part of it is not my age but my genetics.
I feel 60-80 years old, most days. I've felt older than I am since my chronic pain began at age 22, before my hip dysplasia got diagnosed, and after hip reconstruction at age 28 I never really felt youthful again. I've always felt vaguely crippled but making the best of it.
uuugghhh so much of me wants to just curl back up into bed. But a clean apartment would be so wonderful. I will watch some housekeeping videos and eat some salad and see how I feel.
...
A dear friend of mine who has always dealt with her high levels of trauma with avoidance is thinking about seeking therapy due to her crippling anxiety, which she feels is a result of not dealing with her trauma. It makes me think about my obscene level of acceptance of mine, to the point that I have been skirting the edge of ego death for a while, now. I think about my insignificance and lack of mattering in this universe alllll the time. I think about how the self is a made-up concept ALL of the time. How my reactions are just biological results of whatever this body has experienced in its 50 years of existence, how little control I have over anything ever. How I'm never really safe, never really held, never really witnessed fully, never really anything meaningful in this world. I get smaller and smaller and little things mean more and more. I am sinking into that elderly space where just looking at the sky is joyful enough to keep going through the day. simple beauty. I will never matter in whatever way I thought I was supposed do. I am a fleeting speck of dust, will not be missed when I am absorbed back into the un-life-ness of existence. It doesn't matter. But it seems like it does, that's the part that can be hard to contend with. I look it right smack in the face, a LOT. It's not normal. I've been forced into this. It can be really scary and a very sickening, empty feeling. But it's important in order to be okay with the imperfection of this little fleeting life I get to live, for however long. I just. Wish I didn't hate beautiful spectacles of wildlife - I became unable to enjoy any wildlife videos after the polar bears started dying of starvation in the 90s. I can't watch oceans or jungles or birds or anything without a sickening sense of dread, due to the mass extinction event that is happening to all of it. And it is my absolute favorite thing ABOUT this planet. It makes me so sad that I have to turn away from what I love most, because it is too painful to think about it all going away.
Anyway. I have been crippled and an emotional wreck for most of my life, but I still think it's a better tactic to look this sort of messy emotional stuff straight in the face, rather than run from it.
When nearly all of your grandparents and parents die horrifically in front of you, each in their own slow terrible way, each in their own time, there isn't anymore hiding from the painful cruelty of a mortal existence. There are of course beautiful things, too, and it is absolutely critical to focus on those, and not let the horrors take over entirely. But awareness is key. Living in the darkness makes the brightness all the more precious and beautiful and a balm to this frightened, aching, tiny little spirit. Closing the door on it jut makes it loom larger in the background, I suspect. Just the charming twist and twirl of the stem of a pumpkin can be enough to get me through the day. When I'm always aware that nothing will save me and I am doomed to pain and oblivion, eventually. For the moment, I live in heaven, and I try my best to appreciate and relish it and not take it for granted. Look at this sunshine! Look at these stunningly vibrant leaves! Look at these clever, funny crows. Today, despite the pain and difficulty motivating, I can be happy and feel some sense of peace, however fleeting.
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Date: 2025-10-22 11:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-10-23 08:00 pm (UTC)