It's just a flesh wound
Nov. 6th, 2025 12:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryposted a huge long to-do list when I got home from my surgery consultation this morning but it's lunch time and I have totally crashed, and am fighting an oncoming paralysis, it is an odd sensation, a slowing, an ache, a sudden total loss of energy, a stiffening - it feels like rigor mortis is trying to set in.
The visit was a little strange. Tyler came with me, I am so grateful. I was just really stressed when I got there, as it is a place for surgical oncology; even though I do not have cancer, they sent me to a cancer surgeon. She does a lot of these though, she reassured me, and the surgery itself will be (spoiler alert, there is no "if") less invasive than I feared. Just a small chunk of tissue being removed, like the size of a dime or so I guess, I will be sedated but not under general anesthesia thank goodness. She just needs to take out a bigger chunk of tissue, to a) make sure everything is out, although it looks like the biopsy did get most of it and very likely all, and b) to test this bigger sample of tissue to make totally sure this is just atypia and not a pre-cancerous development/growth. The majority of these never develop into anything. But since I have a high risk for breast cancer due to my breast tissue density (the highest level density is level 4, which I have) and now this atypia, it is recommended that I get annual MRI imaging going forward. Fun times! My friend Liz has to do this too, as her family has rampant breast cancer and she already in her early 40s is starting to show some calcifications which can be nothing but can also indicate trouble - they are unusual at her age.
We will get a baseline MRI before the surgery.
Surgery will most likely be in December.
I won't be jumping or bouncing, or heavy lifting for a couple weeks after. "No raking leaves" she said, this time of year. But by December that won't be thing.
I might go rake leaves at the house today? Our poor deck is covered. I love the oak trees though (One is half on our property, the other is in a neighbor's yard, they are big and lovely. I love trees.)
I tried to eat some food to perk myself up but I still just want to stop moving altogether. Maybe I can try to make myself go swimming, today. I am going to skip most of the smaller chores - hair henna can wait, I think. No dancing tonight most likely, I have gained so much belly pooch from all this stress, I feel so bloated and uncomfortable, not a state I want to dance in.
Tyler and I talked about doctors and why they choose what they do. He has been shadowing one and said often the harder part of the job is dealing with the children of older sick parents. I did not have this issue when my mom got cancer, because her dementia had already severely progressed and I had long since given up the idea of having a mom - anyway she disowned me in my mid-30s - but Tyler explained that most people in their 40s or 50s still see their parents as their attachment point, the place they would retreat to if everything in their world fell apart, Tyler says he still feels this way about his mom, and when these people who are parents get sick in their 70s, the kids freak out and cause a lot of stress around an already very difficult situation.
I guess I see this with Karissa, she loses her shit whenever her dad's health is unstable - he had stomach cancer six years ago and has been in remission since but occasionally has difficulty since he does not have a stomach at all anymore - she gets all teary and irrational and I can't help but think, what a luxury.
Cynthia and I don't really have this problem. Cynthia's dad died during covid and she's been taking care of her mom financially for as long as I've known her.
Just makes me think about compassion, and love, and sadness, and grief.
I had an extremely intense and strange day yesterday, part of which involved getting trapped at the post office while shipping out an order, and witnessing Tigard police surround and take down a guy who had been threatening people with a knife on the street. He was carrying a jug of booze in one hand and a gallon of water in the other, looked homeless and unwashed, and very out of control. He did not obey their commands but didn't seem to understand them? He was shot with some non-lethal rounds of something and then slipped on some slimy leaves in the rain and the guy who was closest to him grabbed his arm and wrestled him to the ground and that was it. He was okay, still talking and able to stand when I finally abandoned my blocked-in car and walked three blocks down the main street in Tigard to the coffee shop I have already fallen in love with. I waited out the clog of police vehicles with a latte and some apples and peanut butter, I love that this is on their menu, it is a favorite snack of mine and I can't have it at home, as Josh is deathly allergic to peanuts.
Watching the slipperiness of the leaves take this guy out I wondered why police don't just throw lubricant on the ground whenever they want to hobble someone. That would keep them from running or being able to get away. I guess then all the cops would be sliding around too, lol - that would be a fun game to watch. Anyway, slippery leaves, can be powerful.
The rest of the day involved admin work and a lot of house stuff, internet is set up and I got a couple patio chairs, two padded folding chairs, and a single bar stool from the thrift store. The kitchen has a bar along one side. It's a start, at least there's somewhere to sit. I registered our appliances and ran my first load of laundry, figured out the solar patio lights, stuff like that.
I want to go back there. I really enjoyed it. The house is not perfect but it's comfortable and big and pleasant and it feels really safe. There's something very safe about the vibe, there. We're boxed in and off a busy street and it's hard to park and we can't see much sky, but it feels safe.
The crawlspace is sealed. The windows are done. Now all we need urgently is to fix the fence. One thing at a time.
We move Sunday! I need to build a railing upstairs for Avalanche today if I can, I'm going to try to at least get started on it. That might be more important than swimming, today. We'll see.
I'm so tired. I couldn't sleep last night in anticipation of my appointment, I was so nervous and stressed out. My surgeon is a bit too upbeat and sing-songy for me, but it could be worse. She's nice.
It feels a little weird to just be told what's going to happen to my body, and to be asked if I understand, and not be asked for input or for any questions about me (other than "do you do drugs" and "how many family members have you lost to cancer" but nothing about how that feels or what it means to me personally), as if I am just a malfunctioning car or something.
The visit was a little strange. Tyler came with me, I am so grateful. I was just really stressed when I got there, as it is a place for surgical oncology; even though I do not have cancer, they sent me to a cancer surgeon. She does a lot of these though, she reassured me, and the surgery itself will be (spoiler alert, there is no "if") less invasive than I feared. Just a small chunk of tissue being removed, like the size of a dime or so I guess, I will be sedated but not under general anesthesia thank goodness. She just needs to take out a bigger chunk of tissue, to a) make sure everything is out, although it looks like the biopsy did get most of it and very likely all, and b) to test this bigger sample of tissue to make totally sure this is just atypia and not a pre-cancerous development/growth. The majority of these never develop into anything. But since I have a high risk for breast cancer due to my breast tissue density (the highest level density is level 4, which I have) and now this atypia, it is recommended that I get annual MRI imaging going forward. Fun times! My friend Liz has to do this too, as her family has rampant breast cancer and she already in her early 40s is starting to show some calcifications which can be nothing but can also indicate trouble - they are unusual at her age.
We will get a baseline MRI before the surgery.
Surgery will most likely be in December.
I won't be jumping or bouncing, or heavy lifting for a couple weeks after. "No raking leaves" she said, this time of year. But by December that won't be thing.
I might go rake leaves at the house today? Our poor deck is covered. I love the oak trees though (One is half on our property, the other is in a neighbor's yard, they are big and lovely. I love trees.)
I tried to eat some food to perk myself up but I still just want to stop moving altogether. Maybe I can try to make myself go swimming, today. I am going to skip most of the smaller chores - hair henna can wait, I think. No dancing tonight most likely, I have gained so much belly pooch from all this stress, I feel so bloated and uncomfortable, not a state I want to dance in.
Tyler and I talked about doctors and why they choose what they do. He has been shadowing one and said often the harder part of the job is dealing with the children of older sick parents. I did not have this issue when my mom got cancer, because her dementia had already severely progressed and I had long since given up the idea of having a mom - anyway she disowned me in my mid-30s - but Tyler explained that most people in their 40s or 50s still see their parents as their attachment point, the place they would retreat to if everything in their world fell apart, Tyler says he still feels this way about his mom, and when these people who are parents get sick in their 70s, the kids freak out and cause a lot of stress around an already very difficult situation.
I guess I see this with Karissa, she loses her shit whenever her dad's health is unstable - he had stomach cancer six years ago and has been in remission since but occasionally has difficulty since he does not have a stomach at all anymore - she gets all teary and irrational and I can't help but think, what a luxury.
Cynthia and I don't really have this problem. Cynthia's dad died during covid and she's been taking care of her mom financially for as long as I've known her.
Just makes me think about compassion, and love, and sadness, and grief.
I had an extremely intense and strange day yesterday, part of which involved getting trapped at the post office while shipping out an order, and witnessing Tigard police surround and take down a guy who had been threatening people with a knife on the street. He was carrying a jug of booze in one hand and a gallon of water in the other, looked homeless and unwashed, and very out of control. He did not obey their commands but didn't seem to understand them? He was shot with some non-lethal rounds of something and then slipped on some slimy leaves in the rain and the guy who was closest to him grabbed his arm and wrestled him to the ground and that was it. He was okay, still talking and able to stand when I finally abandoned my blocked-in car and walked three blocks down the main street in Tigard to the coffee shop I have already fallen in love with. I waited out the clog of police vehicles with a latte and some apples and peanut butter, I love that this is on their menu, it is a favorite snack of mine and I can't have it at home, as Josh is deathly allergic to peanuts.
Watching the slipperiness of the leaves take this guy out I wondered why police don't just throw lubricant on the ground whenever they want to hobble someone. That would keep them from running or being able to get away. I guess then all the cops would be sliding around too, lol - that would be a fun game to watch. Anyway, slippery leaves, can be powerful.
The rest of the day involved admin work and a lot of house stuff, internet is set up and I got a couple patio chairs, two padded folding chairs, and a single bar stool from the thrift store. The kitchen has a bar along one side. It's a start, at least there's somewhere to sit. I registered our appliances and ran my first load of laundry, figured out the solar patio lights, stuff like that.
I want to go back there. I really enjoyed it. The house is not perfect but it's comfortable and big and pleasant and it feels really safe. There's something very safe about the vibe, there. We're boxed in and off a busy street and it's hard to park and we can't see much sky, but it feels safe.
The crawlspace is sealed. The windows are done. Now all we need urgently is to fix the fence. One thing at a time.
We move Sunday! I need to build a railing upstairs for Avalanche today if I can, I'm going to try to at least get started on it. That might be more important than swimming, today. We'll see.
I'm so tired. I couldn't sleep last night in anticipation of my appointment, I was so nervous and stressed out. My surgeon is a bit too upbeat and sing-songy for me, but it could be worse. She's nice.
It feels a little weird to just be told what's going to happen to my body, and to be asked if I understand, and not be asked for input or for any questions about me (other than "do you do drugs" and "how many family members have you lost to cancer" but nothing about how that feels or what it means to me personally), as if I am just a malfunctioning car or something.
no subject
Date: 2025-11-06 10:36 pm (UTC)I hope you know that I'm wishing you to get through this with the best possible results. Fingers crossed ❤️
no subject
Date: 2025-11-08 05:38 am (UTC)