self-development reflections.

[serafaery]

one thing i wanted to get out. is that i was pretty spun out with self-hatred last night for buying the junk at target. realizing i need to return it. that it is part of whatever causes my low-grade hoarding.

was watching a hoarding channel last night and thinking about that person's opinion about the condition, and the lower activity in the frontal lobes that causes difficulty with decision-making, and how hard it's been for me to decide whether or not to run screaming from this surgery.

i think having the boys both seem to indicate that they'd rather i not do it made it a lot harder for me. i care so much about their opinions and advice, even if it's unsolicited. i know they have my best interest in mind, and just don't want to see me suffer.

but also i got a really nice reminder somewhere online that said, there will be relapses, try to be patient and focus on gradual, steady, slow progress.

and i do see this. my clutter is less. i am less anxious about it. i have gotten rid of a lot. i caught this bout of collecting and i am fixing it.

i went through all of my mail this morning.

instead of starting a neverending pile.

(i still have a few of those leftover from the apartment that came here, in bins, to go through.)

i am doing a lot better overall. making big decisions, and little ones.

slow, small progress. it's the only way i've ever gotten to a better place with any habit or trait.

i will continue to work on improving things with my husband, even though he is being difficult and my first instinct is to withdraw. i want him to be happier. i will keep trying. i think, every time i try and get rebuffed, at least, he does see that i am making an effort. and that counts for something.

Comments

[keplers_angels]

What surgery specifically are you trying to decide on?
What is the alternative?

(I want everyone with tits to know that it is *shockingly* easy to live and feel sexy and whole without them. I feel sexier and more feminine now than I ever did before. (and I think sexier and better than I would with implants or other) I don't believe you're actually weighing going flat? But it bears putting out there. I wouldn't have had the nerve if I hadn't known someone who was rocking it and making it look so sexy and badass. The culture and a bunch of misinformation is out there... Men especially will give well-meaning advice but really have no idea.)

[serafaery]

Hi, you're right not considering mastectomy or anything, this is an excisional biopsy that will take about an almond sized chunk of tissue from a posterior portion of my left breast. There is a chance it could leave a dent or change the contour of the breast. But it probably won't since they're taking tissue that's back behind everything, it's back against my muscle underneath everything else.

I could just not do it. The ADH I have is very small and ADH does not tend to suddenly spread. It is not cancer, or pre-cancer, just a higher risk factor. The excisional biopsy is really more to rule out DCIS, from what I understand, than to get rid of anything - my risk of getting cancer remains the same whether or not this tissue is removed. DCIS is a pre-cancerous level of cell activity that would also not pose a sudden life-threatening risk, it would require further removal if any might have been missed (lumpectomy) and radiation, no chemo. But I honestly doubt it's there. The core needle biopsy got most of the affected tissue already. This is just to be super definitely sure it's nothing else. I just, had a really rough time with the mammograms, MRI, and biopsy, and am not looking forward to not being able to do much for a few weeks and not be able to do my sports for a couple months.

I appreciate your perspective a lot. As it gets closer, I have sort of realized that a misshaped boob would probably not be the end of the world. I'm just extra scared because I already struggle to feel sexy and have zero interest in sex, so a messed up looking breast would probably hinder that even more. But I'm sure I would get over it eventually. Hopefully.

[femgoroth]

I SUPER appreciate this!

[keplers_angels]

I'm so glad. ❤️

[femgoroth]

Man, the body shit is just never-ending for us lady-bodies, isn't it!

The decision-making around the surgery is a tough one, you're in a tough spot. Will you be sitting around thinking about it a lot if you don't? I heard a term for that: 'open loops'. When you don't complete a task and have to hold that mental pin in place, it's an open loop. Will this turn into that? Then it'll be a massive drain on your thoughts and energy.

Also what does your gut say?

Relapse is indeed part of recovery. Every time I accidentally find myself shopping online for clothes when I'm not supposed to be buying clothes, I get more useful data about what drives me to that. Today, it was talking to my mom on the phone. The conversation was totally pleasant, but still. You'll get there.

[serafaery]

Yeah lady parts can be so troublesome right? My instincts feel blurred by fear, here. I was fine with it until I wasn't. It's really hard being in a grey area like this. It's really hard to know whether I would sit around worrying if I didn't get it done. I don't think I would do that, given that even if it did develop, this sort of thing usually progresses quite slowly. The bigger issue was that both surgeons intimated that waiting would be postponing for months, not years. That regardless of whether my scans change, they would still want to take it. And if it does slowly grow, now I'm looking at a bigger amount of tissue being removed, so, I would rather just take the hit and hope this smaller amount of tissue is enough and the end of the story. It's all guess work, it's impossible to know what the right answer is, here. I just feel glad that i feel strong and healthy and able to handle it right now. I'm not sick or having any other major physical problems, so I feel like I have the best chance for the best healing and the best result sooner rather than later, if this surgery is inevitable.

It felt really good to return everything this morning. $50 of christmas cards and candy canes was really very silly. I am grateful for the ability to take a step back and see progress even in the relapses. Thank you for reflecting this back to me, it helps a lot! :)

[michaelboy]

I am so proud of YOU!

[serafaery]

Thanks thanks! The mail thing is big, I used to weep and struggle to see through tears forcing myself to open bills I'd let sit in a pile for weeks. I got sent to collections after my hip surgery for accidental billings by the hospital for procedures that were covered by the state at the time (no longer - I was in Massachusetts at a lucky time!), and mail suddenly became impossible for me to deal with. It's taken over 20 years to get back to some form of normal, largely because with Josh as my partner I know we can deal with whatever comes my way. I'm so grateful for this.