serafaery

Josh and I had a really lovely hike up Neahkanie yesterday - it would have been perfect for Saddle Mt but that trail is closed until April, alas. Neahkanie was nice because it was gentler (well, less climbing, but more rugged in some ways), and I wanted so much for him to see it in the light. I took him up in the rain, nearly a year ago, I felt bad about it, because the views are so rewarding and there were none. But there was home made pizza, the boys were glad for that. They both slept in the car while I drove us all home in the dark. Makes me feel useful.

This day, it was so warm and balmy on the top we didn't want to leave. The ocean was so shiny, the air was still. We nibbles snacks that Josh had fondly renamed "snocks" after I tried to talk too fast while packing and blended "snacks at the top" into "snocks" while asking what he wanted me to bring. We got home early enough to have an early birthday thai food dinner at our favorite local spot, but I felt so bad after eating it, sadly. I think I need to only get soup when eating out, anymore, at least for dinner. My tummy can only tolerate my own food that I prepare at night. Brunch is fine but I can't sleep after eating other people's food.

I woke up feeling awful and useless and like a failure, this morning. Everything hurts. I am avoiding PT, this is day 3 or 4, it's not good. I had a gajillion things I wanted to get done this morning and had to finally sit down here, it was too much pressure. Fortunately we have leftovers so I don't have to cook for either of us. I need to pop into the shower shortly, there is dye in my hair and laundry is running, I emptied the dishwasher and will go make breakfast, I've not done nothing. But this is enough for now.

I will try to walk in the park after work and get groceries and cat food on the way home.

I wish I didn't feel so awful. Working on it. It is not as bad as it could be. I just haven't been able to sleep well, in so long. I wake up and wake up and wake up and wake up.

Grateful to

michaelboy for pointing me to poets.org, how fun would it be to read a poem there every day? I will see what I can manage.

Still finishing up the Essentialism book. I realized this morning while doing laundry that yes my closet is full but it is in fact perfect and I don't need to purge. I just need to slowly prune as things get stained or damaged. It's fine as it is. I prefer having more items, more variety, and having to do laundry less frequently. That might change in the future but for now I enjoy a slight over-abundance of options. There are much better places to develop my decluttering skills. Read: the garage.

I am so so sad about the political stuff but I refuse to go there. I will not expose myself to all of that violence and toxicity, other than a little check-in via npr daily. I know what's happening, I know how to use 5calls.org, it is already hard enough to exist without that constant firehose of terribleness.

Merlin app is great, I am learning bird calls, it was such a symphony is the dry bitter cold yesterday morning. The red breasted nuthatches, and the white, the chickadees, the finches, the crows, the robins, the sparrows, and a verrrrry distant bird I didn't know and was too faint to even try to use the app to learn, were all singing together in a soft swirling pattern and rhythm and timing that felt so natural and organic and easy and right. I closed my eyes and floated to their songs.