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serafaeryThe depression is really frustrating because I feel like I lined up my life in just the way I needed to be okay, but now that things are generally okay, I feel worse, because my body and mind and habits are all trained to deal with a stressful messed up existence, and so the extra time and relaxation, instead of being enjoyed, just causes me to spin out and fret.
This isn't always true, there are times when I can really relish and indulge and soak up the happiness of a good quality of life. I just wish it weren't such a constant struggle. I think I need to give myself time, and grace, and permission to feel terrible - this morning after selecting "bad" as my mood for the umpteenth day on my self-care Finch app, I had this shift where my brain just said, that's just where I'm at. And instead of tearing myself up about how I have no reason to feel bad, I just accepted it. And this lifted like, 90% of the discomfort around the bad mood, at that moment. I need to do this more often and stop pushing back so hard against it. I am a somber girl, it's okay to be this way.
(Speaking of somber, this is my current song on repeat, it's just so cheerful but sad but frustrated but hopeful and so full of mixed emotions, the shame of cheating wrapped up with infatuation, just so cute.)
Avi is shedding and I am tucking tufts of her fur into the fence. Birds already took it this morning, I will keep doing that. It's good nest lining :)
This isn't always true, there are times when I can really relish and indulge and soak up the happiness of a good quality of life. I just wish it weren't such a constant struggle. I think I need to give myself time, and grace, and permission to feel terrible - this morning after selecting "bad" as my mood for the umpteenth day on my self-care Finch app, I had this shift where my brain just said, that's just where I'm at. And instead of tearing myself up about how I have no reason to feel bad, I just accepted it. And this lifted like, 90% of the discomfort around the bad mood, at that moment. I need to do this more often and stop pushing back so hard against it. I am a somber girl, it's okay to be this way.
(Speaking of somber, this is my current song on repeat, it's just so cheerful but sad but frustrated but hopeful and so full of mixed emotions, the shame of cheating wrapped up with infatuation, just so cute.)
Avi is shedding and I am tucking tufts of her fur into the fence. Birds already took it this morning, I will keep doing that. It's good nest lining :)
