serafaery

Josh sprang passover dinner on me, I had asked repeatedly and he said there was none this year, and then yesterday announced dinner with his parents and sister at 5:30pm. I have no idea what to prepare. I had set aside this day for housework and preparing for TWO easter visits tomorrow, which involve baking pie and soda bread and making deviled eggs and roasting vegetables, all time and labor intensive projects that I was excited about and am now dreading and feeling resentful and tired and grumpy. It is 1pm and I am still sleep deprived and all I want to do is drag blankets and pillows out onto the deck and bask in the 70 degree day and forget ALL of it. All of it.

But. I'm thinking. I'll just do whatever sounds fun today and see how far I get, and cram tomorrow morning for the rest, and potentially skip the step-fam visit because it's just always upsetting anymore anyway. My step-dad is the only person I care about seeing right now and he always announces with great fanfare that he will be there but always cancels last minute, he has not made it to a holiday gathering in at least three years, maybe longer. His youngest son has become his caretaker and says really sad things about why he can't be there that is so upsetting to hear. I would rather just.... :( Not.

The thing is. Cynthia and Derrick are my chosen family, I adore Derrick's mom and she and I have plans to hang out tomorrow before dinner and I think I just need to prioritize the people who actually show up for me, instead of people who happen to be related to someone who married my mom and then soaked up all of her support like a sponge and then ran away when she dried up. :(

It has been several weeks since I've really sat with any of my grief over the loss of my parents, and holidays always bring it into sharp relief. I think I might go outside with Avi and do some of that and forget about cooking for a bit. Focus on housework and what Serafaery needs, today.

Cynthia so kindly bought me a beautiful honeynut pumpkin today while we were shopping at the farmers market, I will bake a pie for Josh and I as a surprise for him for dinner tonight (he is rock climbing outside today in the gorge), I don't care that it's directly opposite the season for pumpkin pie, it's what I want for dinner.

Might roast sweet potatoes and carrots, how about all orange food.

And maybe some chocolate chips cookies for Cynthia with the easter colored organic chocolate gems I have.

I also wanted to make strawberry shortbread cookies, something I usually make every spring, but, that can be bonus. I do have a bunny cookie cutter. Hm.

Found a solution to not having an egg tray for deviled eggs - cupcake liners. The only ones I have are halloween, lol. Happy Undead Jesus Day lol. Easter is the weirdest scariest story omg.