tired for no reason again.
Sep. 6th, 2026 02:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryJosh and I had one of those perfect storm everything-going-wrong visits at Timberline, which I won't go into the details of but involved a lot of tears and the manager refunding our stay, but it all ended up okay-ish in the end and Josh and I rallied and went to Broder to celebrate again with brunch this morning - this was originally going to be a joint celebration with his parents since their anniversary is almost the same day as ours, but his mom wasn't feeling well, so it was just us.
It was pouring down rain but we made the best of it, visiting a very soggy Ole Bolle troll(e) and I brought the flowers I was going to give to his mom just to brighten the table while we were there. We had a really nice meal and enjoyed it immensely and felt reconnected and better.
and wished his mom and swift recovery. Josh was soooo thankful to me for doing this, he's really sweet about voicing gratitude when I encourage connection with his family. I find it pretty easy. They are really great and I like them a lot. It's not always easy spending a long period of time with them (they have a tendency to do that old fuddyduddy thing of falling into repeat rants about politics, and also of demanding that we watch certain shows or movies that we will never watch), but regular visits are lovely and I cherish them.
Things have been a little hard in some ways, with my physical withdrawal. I am learning more about menopause and it's really devastating. The aspects of tissue changes that cause UTIs and cystitis and such are really upsetting and scary, and that's just scratching the surface. The health risks involving bones and heart and brain and really every aspect of the body are really scary. My hair is all falling out which is really scary. I mean being hairless sucks but also just, feeling unwell to the point that my body can't hold onto hair is scary. I suspect the last batch of estrogen patches I bought haven't been working at all - it was a weird off brand little tiny thin sticker and my symptoms have been terrible since using them, I woke up drenched at the lodge which has literally never happened the entire time I've been in perimenopause - I've woken up warm, but never dripping. It was COLD up there. I was stressed but still. I think the progesterone I have is faulty, too. I am wondering if drugs are not being tested the way they should, or like, batches of bad ones are getting through more often? Anyway I got new patches finally yesterday and just put on a fresh one so we'll see if it does any better. I should be able to refill the progesterone shortly also and hopefully get a batch that works better.
...
Josh thanked me, for the first time ever, for agreeing to live in this part of town with him. It was a difficult 24 hours processing that interaction because I could not just say, "You're welcome," and he noticed. BUT, I think we're in a better place with it, now. And I'm really grateful that he's acknowledged the difficulty for me and the effort I'm putting in to trying to make the best of it, and focusing on the good things about living in this house. As much as I didn't want to buy a house.
...
I'm nauseated and sleepy at the moment for no good reason, other than I'm maybe a little daunted by my to-do list.
I have all these messages from customers that I told myself I would return today, including two phone calls from older folks who don't text, and I have really severe phone anxiety, so I am just kind of paralyzed, now. I need to push through and I don't know how? I want to help these people, very much, I just, don't think I can call them. Maybe I can try again tomorrow? Some days I can actually call folks with no issue. But I've been putting both of these off for the better part of a week and so far no luck. blearhg. frustrating.
I did text a couple of people, at least. I feel like I am not functioning well and saying/doing all the wrong things, just sucks when I set aside time for communication/scheduling/tricky one on one work stuff and then that time is a period of feeling totally non-functional.
...
, I just really don't want to go, but I said I would. I want to drop by for like ten minutes and then sneak out. She asked for things for a faery altar outside and I have nothing that feels right for that. As a supposed faery myself this means I'm already entering the event feeling like a failure. I have nothing that feels right in my own house, for a faery altar; it's my own issues that are getting in the way, I think. It's also an issue of being hurt by her in the past. I realized at some point that I like her a LOT more than she likes me, she is way more awesome than I am in most every way. And also I just feel unseen and misunderstood by her. The fact that her parents (her mom and her mom's partner, she was raised by lesbians) are nearby the new house and she is super excited about that is impossible for me to relate to, although I am happy for her, of course. And then, there was all this drama she felt and needed a lot of emotional support for a couple years ago around her dad (bio-dad who didn't really raise her much from what I could gather) dying and her having to deal with managing estate issues, while also dealing with conflicting feelings around her dad and feeling a bit abandoned by him and the confusion of anger and sadness and all that, and it's just really hard because, my dad left when I was three, and died when I was 26, and my parents were destitute when they died so there was never any estate (so were their parents, or close to), so it feels really difficult to watch someone suffer and complain for a year about that process, when like, I WISH I could have had a chance to have experienced anything like that sort of suffering? I don't know if she even knows that my dad is dead? You know? :( So like, yes probate is hard (I guess), yes losing a parent is always sad and difficult, yes you have my sympathy for struggling with a difficult thing, but also, wow it's painful to not have that in any way reciprocated, and to not have any curiosity or awareness as to a vastly different experience of parental deaths.
But, when I'm with her, I feel energized and excited to just be in her presence and I forget all the hurt and it's sort of like being in an abusive relationship or something, I don't know.
And it's all stuff that we're not quite close enough to actually try to hash out in a real conversation. I don't think we've ever had a really meaningful conversation about anything, other than polyamory - a shared experience for us, though mine was quite temporary and there was only one instance of it, turns out.
So I just hold that all in when I'm around her and it's just hard.
She's always been kind and she's funny and smart(er than me) and has given me really thoughtful beautiful gifts in the past and I know she cares and I know she's trying. So I will... try to try... back?
Or I could just curl up in bed with my kitten and not.
(Maybe both.)
((Editing to add: leaning toward skipping and blaming my skin falling off in chunks after seeing the dermatologist last week - currently sitting with henna on my head and feeling not at all ready to be in public like, ever again))
Things I may or may not do today include....
* henna hair
* laundry
* a desperately tardy shower
* shopping for a hedge trimmer (it already feels too late to go to lowe's - have to try again next week)
* bake pumpkin pie (I did manage to roast my pumpkins from the farm last night)
* bundle up sparkle order
* send check for supplies
* send shipping notifications/receipts
* purchasing new clothing and costume items for work (all of mine are ratty and stained and have holes and are worn out)
* reach out to the phone-call customers?
* schedule west-side sparkles for two weeks from now? (might need to delay this, and other items above, until my brain is working better)
* pay derm bill
* double check derm appt time and make sure it doesn't conflict with PCP appt
*download and set up mynetdiary for weight/healthy food management before halloween
* start with the Halloween decorations? (There are already 12' skeletons up in our neighborhood, YAY)
Things I would like to do now but might wait until Josh leaves for his trip later this week:
* dust
* sweep
* vacuum
* scrub out shower and sink
* wash bathroom surfaces
* donate more stuff
* hang some art
* research some landscaping/gardening tips for getting started?
Right now I just need to tidy up and figure out what to feed the mums and echinacea that I need to plant.
I would like to add douglas aster and california poppies and want to research food/care for them as well. I think dahlia bulbs might do well but not sure if I want to tackle that yet or not. I want to cut down the toxic redbush and plant that area with roses and/or flowering red current and/or mock orange but that's a longer term project for a serafaery with more experience. finding a raised bed would be nice, even if I just do a couple flowers and some kale. Catnip somewhere in the front would be lovely. I want to get a blueberry for Josh but need to research how best to do that with poor soil and low light (might not be possible). Rosemary would also be really nice but might need to be in a raised bed since I don't trust the soil to be healthy here and I want to actually use/consume the rosemary in a culinary sense. I could also do sage this way. Or both ways, sage might tolerate this chemical-tainted clay.
Our neighbor was spraying round-up on his driveway the other day, which drains straight into the water catching drains for the stream just below us, it's sooooooo sad. (All of our neighbors regularly spray round-up all over their yards, it's all around us.) Josh complained, "he's making us look bad!" (because he's getting rid of weeds) and I was just like, no, no. He's not. (I didn't get into it with Josh, it's just too depressing. I know he agrees with me about toxins, but I don't think he understands that the drains in the street go directly to the stream, which ends up feeding the underground water sources that the city is switching us to this winter. So we will be drinking that shit. After it kills all the fish who didn't already die from trash and microplastics and tire tread erosion and all the other toxic stuff that flows in from the streets and humans using pfas chemicals for everything. I dig up our weeds by hand, it's just, I never get thanked for it and I don't really mind weeds in the cracks of the driveway that much, so I don't stay super on top of it. I just get the biggest ones lately, if that.)
...
It poured down rain all day but there is finally a break in it, now. I might try to ride my bike at sunset if it stays dry, we'll see. I'm very tired so not sure about that. The little walk on the PCT by the lodge yesterday was nice. I walked to Little Zigzag Canyon and back. Saw some grey jays that asked for treats but I did not feed them, there were too many people around. They flew right up to me though, I definitely considered it. Also caught sight of one pair of mountain blue birds, which made me very happy. It's the coloring I modeled my finch self-care birb after, because I fell in love with them at the lodge last summer after watching several of them flitting about in the sun.
Avalanche right now. (I spent about ten minutes taking video of her twitching and mewing and eckeckecking in her sleep.)
It was pouring down rain but we made the best of it, visiting a very soggy Ole Bolle troll(e) and I brought the flowers I was going to give to his mom just to brighten the table while we were there. We had a really nice meal and enjoyed it immensely and felt reconnected and better.
and wished his mom and swift recovery. Josh was soooo thankful to me for doing this, he's really sweet about voicing gratitude when I encourage connection with his family. I find it pretty easy. They are really great and I like them a lot. It's not always easy spending a long period of time with them (they have a tendency to do that old fuddyduddy thing of falling into repeat rants about politics, and also of demanding that we watch certain shows or movies that we will never watch), but regular visits are lovely and I cherish them.
Things have been a little hard in some ways, with my physical withdrawal. I am learning more about menopause and it's really devastating. The aspects of tissue changes that cause UTIs and cystitis and such are really upsetting and scary, and that's just scratching the surface. The health risks involving bones and heart and brain and really every aspect of the body are really scary. My hair is all falling out which is really scary. I mean being hairless sucks but also just, feeling unwell to the point that my body can't hold onto hair is scary. I suspect the last batch of estrogen patches I bought haven't been working at all - it was a weird off brand little tiny thin sticker and my symptoms have been terrible since using them, I woke up drenched at the lodge which has literally never happened the entire time I've been in perimenopause - I've woken up warm, but never dripping. It was COLD up there. I was stressed but still. I think the progesterone I have is faulty, too. I am wondering if drugs are not being tested the way they should, or like, batches of bad ones are getting through more often? Anyway I got new patches finally yesterday and just put on a fresh one so we'll see if it does any better. I should be able to refill the progesterone shortly also and hopefully get a batch that works better.
...
Josh thanked me, for the first time ever, for agreeing to live in this part of town with him. It was a difficult 24 hours processing that interaction because I could not just say, "You're welcome," and he noticed. BUT, I think we're in a better place with it, now. And I'm really grateful that he's acknowledged the difficulty for me and the effort I'm putting in to trying to make the best of it, and focusing on the good things about living in this house. As much as I didn't want to buy a house.
...
I'm nauseated and sleepy at the moment for no good reason, other than I'm maybe a little daunted by my to-do list.
I have all these messages from customers that I told myself I would return today, including two phone calls from older folks who don't text, and I have really severe phone anxiety, so I am just kind of paralyzed, now. I need to push through and I don't know how? I want to help these people, very much, I just, don't think I can call them. Maybe I can try again tomorrow? Some days I can actually call folks with no issue. But I've been putting both of these off for the better part of a week and so far no luck. blearhg. frustrating.
I did text a couple of people, at least. I feel like I am not functioning well and saying/doing all the wrong things, just sucks when I set aside time for communication/scheduling/tricky one on one work stuff and then that time is a period of feeling totally non-functional.
...
, I just really don't want to go, but I said I would. I want to drop by for like ten minutes and then sneak out. She asked for things for a faery altar outside and I have nothing that feels right for that. As a supposed faery myself this means I'm already entering the event feeling like a failure. I have nothing that feels right in my own house, for a faery altar; it's my own issues that are getting in the way, I think. It's also an issue of being hurt by her in the past. I realized at some point that I like her a LOT more than she likes me, she is way more awesome than I am in most every way. And also I just feel unseen and misunderstood by her. The fact that her parents (her mom and her mom's partner, she was raised by lesbians) are nearby the new house and she is super excited about that is impossible for me to relate to, although I am happy for her, of course. And then, there was all this drama she felt and needed a lot of emotional support for a couple years ago around her dad (bio-dad who didn't really raise her much from what I could gather) dying and her having to deal with managing estate issues, while also dealing with conflicting feelings around her dad and feeling a bit abandoned by him and the confusion of anger and sadness and all that, and it's just really hard because, my dad left when I was three, and died when I was 26, and my parents were destitute when they died so there was never any estate (so were their parents, or close to), so it feels really difficult to watch someone suffer and complain for a year about that process, when like, I WISH I could have had a chance to have experienced anything like that sort of suffering? I don't know if she even knows that my dad is dead? You know? :( So like, yes probate is hard (I guess), yes losing a parent is always sad and difficult, yes you have my sympathy for struggling with a difficult thing, but also, wow it's painful to not have that in any way reciprocated, and to not have any curiosity or awareness as to a vastly different experience of parental deaths.
But, when I'm with her, I feel energized and excited to just be in her presence and I forget all the hurt and it's sort of like being in an abusive relationship or something, I don't know.
And it's all stuff that we're not quite close enough to actually try to hash out in a real conversation. I don't think we've ever had a really meaningful conversation about anything, other than polyamory - a shared experience for us, though mine was quite temporary and there was only one instance of it, turns out.
So I just hold that all in when I'm around her and it's just hard.
She's always been kind and she's funny and smart(er than me) and has given me really thoughtful beautiful gifts in the past and I know she cares and I know she's trying. So I will... try to try... back?
Or I could just curl up in bed with my kitten and not.
(Maybe both.)
((Editing to add: leaning toward skipping and blaming my skin falling off in chunks after seeing the dermatologist last week - currently sitting with henna on my head and feeling not at all ready to be in public like, ever again))
Things I may or may not do today include....
* henna hair
* laundry
* a desperately tardy shower
* shopping for a hedge trimmer (it already feels too late to go to lowe's - have to try again next week)
* bake pumpkin pie (I did manage to roast my pumpkins from the farm last night)
* bundle up sparkle order
* send check for supplies
* send shipping notifications/receipts
* purchasing new clothing and costume items for work (all of mine are ratty and stained and have holes and are worn out)
* reach out to the phone-call customers?
* schedule west-side sparkles for two weeks from now? (might need to delay this, and other items above, until my brain is working better)
* pay derm bill
* double check derm appt time and make sure it doesn't conflict with PCP appt
*
* start with the Halloween decorations? (There are already 12' skeletons up in our neighborhood, YAY)
Things I would like to do now but might wait until Josh leaves for his trip later this week:
* dust
* sweep
* vacuum
* scrub out shower and sink
* wash bathroom surfaces
* donate more stuff
* hang some art
* research some landscaping/gardening tips for getting started?
Right now I just need to tidy up and figure out what to feed the mums and echinacea that I need to plant.
I would like to add douglas aster and california poppies and want to research food/care for them as well. I think dahlia bulbs might do well but not sure if I want to tackle that yet or not. I want to cut down the toxic redbush and plant that area with roses and/or flowering red current and/or mock orange but that's a longer term project for a serafaery with more experience. finding a raised bed would be nice, even if I just do a couple flowers and some kale. Catnip somewhere in the front would be lovely. I want to get a blueberry for Josh but need to research how best to do that with poor soil and low light (might not be possible). Rosemary would also be really nice but might need to be in a raised bed since I don't trust the soil to be healthy here and I want to actually use/consume the rosemary in a culinary sense. I could also do sage this way. Or both ways, sage might tolerate this chemical-tainted clay.
Our neighbor was spraying round-up on his driveway the other day, which drains straight into the water catching drains for the stream just below us, it's sooooooo sad. (All of our neighbors regularly spray round-up all over their yards, it's all around us.) Josh complained, "he's making us look bad!" (because he's getting rid of weeds) and I was just like, no, no. He's not. (I didn't get into it with Josh, it's just too depressing. I know he agrees with me about toxins, but I don't think he understands that the drains in the street go directly to the stream, which ends up feeding the underground water sources that the city is switching us to this winter. So we will be drinking that shit. After it kills all the fish who didn't already die from trash and microplastics and tire tread erosion and all the other toxic stuff that flows in from the streets and humans using pfas chemicals for everything. I dig up our weeds by hand, it's just, I never get thanked for it and I don't really mind weeds in the cracks of the driveway that much, so I don't stay super on top of it. I just get the biggest ones lately, if that.)
...
It poured down rain all day but there is finally a break in it, now. I might try to ride my bike at sunset if it stays dry, we'll see. I'm very tired so not sure about that. The little walk on the PCT by the lodge yesterday was nice. I walked to Little Zigzag Canyon and back. Saw some grey jays that asked for treats but I did not feed them, there were too many people around. They flew right up to me though, I definitely considered it. Also caught sight of one pair of mountain blue birds, which made me very happy. It's the coloring I modeled my finch self-care birb after, because I fell in love with them at the lodge last summer after watching several of them flitting about in the sun.
Avalanche right now. (I spent about ten minutes taking video of her twitching and mewing and eckeckecking in her sleep.)
no subject
Date: 2026-09-07 10:32 am (UTC)Menopause is definitely an ordeal, and the hormonal swings are probably behind a lot of weird emotions. I know there was a point when I was going through it that I almost physically attacked a stranger in a car park for being a bit snooty to me. I couldn't believe that I hadn't heard how bad it could get - I still can't. This thing is life altering for women and society treats it like a joke. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. But definitely cut yourself a lot of slack while it's going on.