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serafaeryGot so worked up about healthcare problems in the shower that I ended up sobbing for quite some time.
At least I can still do hip stretches while sobbing.
I need to restructure my priorities.
I need to focus all of my extra energy on healing my hip.
It fucking sucks. It hurts. It hurts constantly. Thinking about doing strengthening exercises makes me cry.
But, I can't keep living this half-life, distracting myself with face painting and wings and stupid creative bullshit that doesn't mean anything while I'm dying inside because I can't skate or hike or live life the way I truly want to and should.
No more distractions. If I can't do my hip exercises, I can sit there and do nothing and think about how much I wish I could do other things. (Maybe I'll take up reading if I really can't/refuse to work out or stretch.) If it takes an hour of tears and tantrums to get me to do one rep of strengthening, then that's what I'll do.
If I want anymore costumes or face painting gigs, I have to get through this first.
Getting through the pain is a psychological problem. It nauseates me to think about doing things that cause my hip more pain, when I've felt constant pain for twelve years and I know that working out is going to make it hurt more. I'm so fucking sick of hurting.
But I have to push through this and deal with hurting more if I'm ever going to get through this, get to a point where I'm not crippled all the time.
If two hours of every day for the rest of my life has to be devoted to stretches and strengthening routines in order to not hurt the rest of the time, then I need to figure that out and work that into my life now, instead of ignoring it and putting myself in a wheelchair when I'm older because I never learned how to take care of this chronic problem.
I'm broken. I'll never be fixed. But, if I can make myself do the work, it doesn't have to constantly hurt like this.
I guess.
The hardest part is that I don't actually know if this is true.
But I have to try. I have to find out.
So fucking pissed off from hurting all the time. It's destroying me from the inside out. I'm not fit enough to be truly healthy, and psychologically it's just as crippling as it is physically, to always hurt.
I've got to do something. It's all up to me. Physical therapists can only point the way.
FUCK.
At least I can still do hip stretches while sobbing.
I need to restructure my priorities.
I need to focus all of my extra energy on healing my hip.
It fucking sucks. It hurts. It hurts constantly. Thinking about doing strengthening exercises makes me cry.
But, I can't keep living this half-life, distracting myself with face painting and wings and stupid creative bullshit that doesn't mean anything while I'm dying inside because I can't skate or hike or live life the way I truly want to and should.
No more distractions. If I can't do my hip exercises, I can sit there and do nothing and think about how much I wish I could do other things. (Maybe I'll take up reading if I really can't/refuse to work out or stretch.) If it takes an hour of tears and tantrums to get me to do one rep of strengthening, then that's what I'll do.
If I want anymore costumes or face painting gigs, I have to get through this first.
Getting through the pain is a psychological problem. It nauseates me to think about doing things that cause my hip more pain, when I've felt constant pain for twelve years and I know that working out is going to make it hurt more. I'm so fucking sick of hurting.
But I have to push through this and deal with hurting more if I'm ever going to get through this, get to a point where I'm not crippled all the time.
If two hours of every day for the rest of my life has to be devoted to stretches and strengthening routines in order to not hurt the rest of the time, then I need to figure that out and work that into my life now, instead of ignoring it and putting myself in a wheelchair when I'm older because I never learned how to take care of this chronic problem.
I'm broken. I'll never be fixed. But, if I can make myself do the work, it doesn't have to constantly hurt like this.
I guess.
The hardest part is that I don't actually know if this is true.
But I have to try. I have to find out.
So fucking pissed off from hurting all the time. It's destroying me from the inside out. I'm not fit enough to be truly healthy, and psychologically it's just as crippling as it is physically, to always hurt.
I've got to do something. It's all up to me. Physical therapists can only point the way.
FUCK.
