Is that why his name is Frank? The goat, I mean?

[serafaery]

Sometimes I am suddenly very taken aback by my livejournal reader's seemingly really poor opinions of me.

I intentionally make no effort to mask or color or hide or spruce up any aspect of anything I'm going through when I write about it, here. I don't do anything to make things seem prettier or to make me seem smarter, more aware, kinder, more thoughtful and careful, than I actually am. If anything I probably represent myself in a much poorer light than what is in fact reality, if you were to witness it for yourself.

I suspect that I am very rare in that. I suspect that if I made my entries make me look the way I wanted people to see me or think about me, I would seem really amazingly brilliant, capable, kind, magical, talented, full of life and love and all the things everyone wants in life.

I do, basically, have everything I imagine are good things to have, in life. Thoughtfulness and joy and a passion for existence and for the people I love. I think I have my priorities exactly straight, even if I don't always act towards them in just the right way.

I wish I could make my readers more aware of what they're missing in reading my honest entries in the same light as everyone else's slanted ones.

Maybe I should cut out al this foolish frankness.

That's not really what I use this journal for, though. It's not for ego boosting or attention-whoring. At least, not anymore. It's for flushing out the ugly stuff, and my ugly interpretations of aspects of myself that are often in fact quite beautiful.

I tend to focus on the bad stuff, because that's what I'm working on correcting. The good stuff is good enough and always getting better. I don't provide a ton of background for whatever issue I'm chewing on, so maybe that is where the skewed perception comes from.

Or maybe people are just not very careful readers online and would consider me kind of a fuckup no matter what or how I wrote.

I definitely don't have as much fun, here, as I used to. Especially since the breakup with pHunk - before that, this was sort of an outlet for getting certain kinds of attention that wasn't necessarily lacking, but that I wanted to reach out for, just for fun. I was more of an attention-whore back then, I guess. (Nothing wrong with that - in moderation.)

Anyway I know I am pretty fucking cool, a good friend, a fun, creative, energetic, playful creature, and there are really incredible people in my life who know me well think so too, and that's all that really matters.

Comments

[anthalus.livejournal.com]

Who is this interloper and how shall I destroy it?

[serafaery.livejournal.com]

Oh, hee, no one in particular, just something of a trend I've noticed in comments over the past few months. No worries! :)

[crowgrl13.livejournal.com]

Honey, I have always loved you, warts and all!

[serafaery.livejournal.com]

Yes, you're always good about showing it, too! Thanks, sweetness.

[crowgrl13.livejournal.com]

P.S. I sent you a private message.

[fragilemuse.livejournal.com]

pssh. keep being honest and open the way you've always been. it's what i love about you! ♥

[serafaery.livejournal.com]

Aww, thanks musey moo! You are super honest all the time, too, and I really feel a lot of gratitude for that, and feel like I can really relate to you - it's comforting. Thanks for being awesome!

[65redroses.livejournal.com]

i know this is directed at me! please don't destroy me!

we, as readers, are not perfect either. I am glad I wrote what I did because it helped me to know you better and understand more of where you were coming from. I now have a very different view on the matter. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.

i'm glad you are open and honest. i am the same on my lj as well and at times it can be very trying as people build up who they think you are.

there are also many many many comments that i have made that have been 100% supportive and loving and kind so don't think i am some monster for giving my opinion. i'm the same with my real life friends. i often push them to re-examine their choices and justify them. but i only do this with my very very close friends whom i love and care about. i wouldnt write it if i didnt give a shit about you.

[serafaery.livejournal.com]

Aww, sweetness. This is not meant to be directed at anyone - it is just a general comment on general comments, heh.

As I said in my reply to you, I'm always honored and grateful for everything you have to say or that you bother to comment at all with such an amazing, busy, full life that you lead. Really, please, I don't want you to take any of this as an insult or to take it personally or anything. It is so amazing how easy it is to take things personally that are not meant that way - I do it all the time, too. But these are more my issues than anything to do with you personally, really.

I love your honesty and openness, I really, really do. You're helpful and strong and smart and kind and good. No destroying! Only love and cherishing and respecting and caring. K? I know you care about me. It amazes me and humbles me and I care so very much for you, too, darling fiery spirit.

[msudduth01.livejournal.com]

I enjoy reading your journal. You have great perspective and are full of life! :D

[serafaery.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sweet thing! If I ever getting around to making a summer mix this year, I will send you a copy! :)

[ghost-nymph.livejournal.com]

people who cover up everything and just paint all smiles and flowers all thet time are liars! you are honest and open and that's what i love about you.

[serafaery.livejournal.com]

That's true! I love your honesty, too, and the way you face your difficulties and how you are always working towards improving yourself. You're pretty cool. :)

[ghost-nymph.livejournal.com]

*blushes*

thank you, dear!

[bobsully.livejournal.com]

I love you for exactly who you are.

[serafaery.livejournal.com]

I know. You rock like that. :D

[desultorie.livejournal.com]

I, for one, was startled to meet you in real life, and noticed how positive & full of light you are. Sometimes when people extrapolate aspects of smaller issues, they can arrive at erroneous or presumptuous conclusions. And not everyone has had the benefit & pleasure of meeting you to discover your full awesomeness. :*

[serafaery.livejournal.com]

That's cool! Makes me happy. *dances*

Blues night on Tuesdays - I can't go this week because I'm picking up a friend at the airport, but maybe next week? Can newbies with no experience show up and learn? I was thinking of dragging Myrrh along with me. I think he might enjoy it. An acquaintance of ours invited us last week and I thought maybe it was a sign that we really ought to go. <3

[desultorie.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes, and yes. E. told me he'd been bugging you about it. Come to the Fez tomorrow & I will give you free passes for yourself & Myrrh. Intermediate lesson starts at 7:30, and I recommend you taking it. Beginning lesson immediately after, but I think you know enough of dancing to benefit from both.

It's on 7th & Alder, in the Melody Ballroom. Sometimes we use the side entrance, like a speak-easy.

[serafaery.livejournal.com]

Cool, yes, awesome, yes. I showed Myrrh the video you posted several weeks ago to try to ease his mind about it, but now he's only MORE nervous - he has a thing about dancing. So it might just be me. But we'll see. E is awesome. <3

[desultorie.livejournal.com]

I want to meet Myrrh. He has to come! It's just like hugging & dancing at the same time. Or dancing that arises from hugging. Or something like that.

[serafaery.livejournal.com]

I think you would like Myrrh. I will try to drag him along. :) I tend to hug when dancing. I like that.

[rexluthor.livejournal.com]

One of the first things that struck me about you was how genuine you are. It's one of the reasons I lurk around your journal. Thought this was a good time to delurk and say so. We all have issues but not everyone owns them and acknowledges them. In fact- most people don''t. I'll take someone in touch over someone out of touch any day.

[serafaery.livejournal.com]

Hey thanks! I appreciate that, muchly. :) I think, I don't know, in a way it's sort of selfish and self-involved to verbally vomit out whatever's on the top of my head of what I'm going through, but in other ways I think it's the most generous thing a person can do, to share even part of their process, and I wish more people could do so freely.