(no subject)

cat is worsening. :( bloody runny stuff coming from his butt, howls at me when i try to help wipe it off. :(

i am guessing maybe he has some form of intestinal cancer or something. worst case scenario is always what i jump to, first.

i'd rush him to dove lewis except that if he does have cancer, it would just be an incredibly painful and scary and traumatizing and expensive experience for both of us that would end in them saying there's nothing to be done except horrible things like radiation and surgery that i just can't go through again with another cat.

and also, honestly, there's no one to help me, i am so cold and tired and wrecked, i can't go alone, and i can't bring myself to ask an acquaintance.

i will take him in to fremont again first thing in the morning. they open at 7:30 i think.

it could just be stress from the day's events causing the upset, but with the lethargy, i think it's something more serious. cancer is the most obvious choice.

i will give him more pain meds, if he'll let me - who makes a medication to "rub onto a cat's gums" anyway. what cat lets you stick your finger in their mouth without clawing the shit out of you? srsly - and barely sleep while trying to keep an eye on him.

...

i'm going to tell my school i can't teach for them. i'm dreading it. i always hated ethics, anyway. i can't do it. if i were excited about the material i would consider it, but this is just a terrible idea, and would be a disservice to the students.

will not go out saturday. i don't know how to tell the others, yet. but i'm dreading that, too.

fuck.