where is off switch for emotions plz k thx

feeling this morning like it's time to accept that i need to be alone for the rest of my life. making friendships or having relationships is not the slightest bit worth it, when things like this happen. and things like this will always happen because humans are humans. bunch of careless selfish fuckwads. myself included. i can't stand it. i can't tolerate it anymore. being alone is lonely and i won't live very far into old age without any support, but that's fine, i'll figure out a way to kill myself when i need to. drugs are always an option i suppose. or knives. i like knives. i just can't take this kind of psychological pain, ever again. can't let anyone in this far ever again. i will of course do everything i can to keep the few trusted friends i still have. and to try to not let the superficial friendships completely disintegrate, since it takes me a good several years to know whether i can really trust someone and i want to give those people a chance. the faeries and the belly dancers. i'll learn how to breathe again all on my own. i wasn't fulfilled, but i could be content, at times, when i was alone, before. that is far preferable to this utter hell.

(no subject)

never pick up pennies from the street, anymore.

i don’t eat crepes, anymore.

haven’t picked up a piece of charcoal or pencil to draw with in months.

numb, today, after sobbing through the morning.

numbness is welcome.

the insignificance of humans is comforting. we’re all so useless and pointless. no sense getting upset about any of it. just ugly noisy apes making garbage and hurting each other carelessly. it’ll all be over soon.

there are still a few pretty things, in the meantime. can’t feel them today, but, it doesn’t matter.

searing hip pain with every step on my right foot. looking forward to makeshift physical therapy at aerial class, tonight. should have stretched during my week off, but, could barely breathe, so. it’s okay.