wishful thinking.

was considering inviting mom's caretakers to the reception, thinking maybe perhaps they could bring her for a short while, but during our last visit it was clear that even a walk around the house is hard for her. we can't take her to her favorite cafe anymore where everyone knows her, she gets upset and scared and yells. car rides frighten her because she doesn't understand where she is or where she's going. there's no way she could handle a reception and she wouldn't understand the purpose.

I wish I hadn't wished.

I am grateful that she's still alive for my marriage, even if she can't really know that it's happening.

sad day.

soaked to the skin from biking down mt tabor in a soaking rain. got home and into dry clothes but hair is wet, there's no heat, can't get warm. so tired. so sad.

this moment when a bride, and friend, is fatherless walking down her isle alone, and I know that I will be too, that fills me with love for her and such, such sadness.