Januaries.

My mom is dying. My brother and I have been with her since about 5pm, it's 1am and her caretaker just insisted I take a break. (I hadn't left her side except to eat and pee and when she got changed, my brother had already taken a couple naps). Harity is not so convinced mom is dying, is still doing everything she can, of course. She loves mom so much, she's so wonderful. Mom's nurse and doctor were more direct. (They've seen it enough.) And also so patient, and kind. The doctor gave me a very frank but also gentle run down of what to expect next and assured us that because of her comfort meds, she's okay. I got the initial call when I was with Tyler. Deep down Harity knows, she asked me about funeral arrangements on that call. Tyler flailed and fumbled with words and hugged me a lot. I've told josh (who brought me vegan next level chick'n and fries and my phone charger and chocolate), all of the Creelans, since Pam (Tyler's mom) put me in a group text earlier totally unrelated, so Ben also knows, the girls I was supposed to zoom with tonight, plus pixie, cynthia, and my step dad's girlfriend. I don't know who else I would tell. I was never able to connect with her old friends. It's okay. This is hard. I'm glad my brother is here. I wish we had more family. She's too young, it's not fair, her body is fighting as hard as it can. It's not easy to process. But it is what it is.

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Mom's gone. she slipped away so quietly while I was by her side that I almost missed it entirely. I saw one last tiny shallow little breath, and then she just stopped. It was so soft and gentle that I was taken off guard and panicked for a bit. My brother helped a lot. It all happened just like the doctor described, all of it, from her rallying and seeming to do much better and the quietness that followed. The mysterious on-call doctor who I never caught the name of, who reminded me of Ben when Ben was coaching me through Madoc's decline. I'm going to call the on-call nurse from last night, whom I did get to meet, Rudee, tomorrow and ask if she knew who we talked to last night, that doctor's name, I have to know, he was unbelievably helpful. I thought he was mom's doctor but I talked to Michael tonight and it definitely wasn't him.

I feel sick now. I texted a few people, but I can't look at my phone to reach out to anyone else. No social media posts. I can't process. Yet. Josh is beside himself and afraid, but he's trying. My brother is weirdly giddy and very at peace. I got to spend 24 hours with her, playing her the soft christmas piano music that has been lulling me to drowsiness at night the entire christmas season I've had to spend unable to see her and wishing i could be with her and share it with her. i'm so grateful i could, finally. I don't want to judge people's replies, I know they are all handling it and me as best they can. Tyler is silent and that is okay. Ben and Blythe sent canned replies and that's appropriate too, it's all okay.

It's okay that I feel ill and am not ready to step forward, yet. I have a lot of things to start arranging, tomorrow. Picking up her things and funeral arrangements and obit and legacy webpage and all of that type of stuff. I'll start on it tomorrow. You never get to see what it's like to have to handle that kind of stuff, there is no guidance for any of it, I will just have to learn as I go. It's okay. It won't be perfect but it'll be what it is. Like all of this.

I still feel like I failed her in so many ways. Life feels so, so empty and meaningless to me, terrifyingly so, as if a vast chasm is torn open below me and I've been thrown in and am just falling into nothing. forever.

I'm still grateful for small comforts. We've been fed a lot of junk food, I am so full. I watched another episode of queen's gambit and just started vampire diaries, i need something intense but impossible to take seriously, vampire garbage is perfect. queen's gambit works too. i'm not drinking though i certainly could. it sounds repulsive to me. sort of like smoking after dad died felt. not that i ever smoked much, but occasionally i would bum one while drinking with friends, and i couldn't, for quite some time, stomach the idea, after he died.

josh said that dr greger published a video about immune boosting properties of simply walking in the forest. that the trees release things into the air that literally boost immunity. it also boosts pleasure, so, double bonus.

finley is being sweet, and gregory. but they have had to process so much loss already, i feel bad leaning on them. i haven't told my girls yet, i weirdly don't want to.

i wonder if people will send me flowers. i should set up a donation thing for her. i'll figure it out in the morning. i feel like a crap daughter, not knowing what she would have chosen, not having asked her, not having been able to bring us here on better terms. she didn't want to go, she fought so hard, she wanted to live so badly, she was so young, she was way too sick for her age, i wish there was soemthing i could have done to make this better, for her. i held her and i played music and i sang and sang, and pet her hair and told her i loved her over and over and over, and i felt so useless.