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alone in this struggle.
Feb. 6th, 2021 08:09 pmfeel really anxious, to the point of nausea, that mom's photo for the obit got cropped and pixilated so badly. I won't hear anything about it until Monday, whether it can be changed/fixed. I might not feel quite so ill about it if I'd had help or could find some help to find a better photo of her for submission. But all the ones I have in storage are just simple basic small prints that we always did in the 80s/90s, with terrible cameras and terrible lighting. Even her framed wedding photos are cheap quality and out of focus, it's so frustrating. Nowadays it's so easy to find or take a good photo of someone because we all have high quality lenses sitting in our pockets at all times. Until very recently that was just not the case. I don't have any good photos of my younger years, either, aside from the one professional shoot we did for my senior high school portraits.
sigh.
I just don't want to fail her, here. It's important to me. To honor and respect her memory in the way she deserves.
It feels really lonely to be working on this by myself like this. My brother has been overwhelmed, never stopped working full time, he is unresponsive to obituary stuff, aside from making some edits that I had to add/change. step-dad hasn't spoken to me once since agreeing to sign over her remains. which was nice of him and I'm grateful. I just feel really unsupported at the moment, and it brings into such painfully sharp focus that when my death occurs, there will be no one left to do even half as much as I'm doing for mom right now. Perhaps no one will do anything at all. Just burn the mattress I died on. Like in that dream when I was dying and the ladies around me were already preparing my things for donation right in front of me. Maybe that was a premonition. Or a flashback from a former lifetime. Maybe it is just a snapshot of every death's eventual reality. To be completely forgotten, immediately. I guess if there's no one left to care for, what does it matter if they care or not. Not that any of it would matter. But still. It hurts, tonight.
A lot of things hurt, tonight. My neck hurts to the touch, even a light touch. From my shoulder being so messed up. My head hurts. My hip hurts. My heart hurts. Just, all of the ow.
I want to stress eat but that'll just cause more pain later.
sigh.
I just don't want to fail her, here. It's important to me. To honor and respect her memory in the way she deserves.
It feels really lonely to be working on this by myself like this. My brother has been overwhelmed, never stopped working full time, he is unresponsive to obituary stuff, aside from making some edits that I had to add/change. step-dad hasn't spoken to me once since agreeing to sign over her remains. which was nice of him and I'm grateful. I just feel really unsupported at the moment, and it brings into such painfully sharp focus that when my death occurs, there will be no one left to do even half as much as I'm doing for mom right now. Perhaps no one will do anything at all. Just burn the mattress I died on. Like in that dream when I was dying and the ladies around me were already preparing my things for donation right in front of me. Maybe that was a premonition. Or a flashback from a former lifetime. Maybe it is just a snapshot of every death's eventual reality. To be completely forgotten, immediately. I guess if there's no one left to care for, what does it matter if they care or not. Not that any of it would matter. But still. It hurts, tonight.
A lot of things hurt, tonight. My neck hurts to the touch, even a light touch. From my shoulder being so messed up. My head hurts. My hip hurts. My heart hurts. Just, all of the ow.
I want to stress eat but that'll just cause more pain later.
