Feb. 10th, 2021

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Managed to make some good stabs at taxes, got a start, a sort of foot hold on the project. It's just the very beginning but it feels like breaking a door down, in a good way. Got the ball rolling, so to speak.

Went down to Pacific City to buy beer that I didn't drink, walk around on the beach, and get coffee from overworked grouchy baristas. (There is only one coffee shop with decent espresso within a like, 100 mile radius, poor kids). Went to a natural area called Sitka Sedge and wandered around the beach there, saw all different sorts of ducks, heron, plover, little brown birbs, little brown mushrooms. It was nice.

Should get sleep, nervous about my drive home, tomorrow. Will be trying to get through the coast range mountains as a snow storm is supposed to hit. I am afraid of ice on tight turns/narrow roads. But we'll see. If I leave early enough I should beat most of the freeze, maybe? eep. I could try alternate routes but I don't know if they'll be any better, quicker might be the smartest option.

So, sleep.

Going to repost my previous post but edited for public consumption, below. Cape Lookout has been wonderful to me, these two days, I am content. I still randomly burst into tears while doing things like chopping an apple, but it's less heavy sobbing, it's shorter, it's less frequent. It's still scary and I wonder how to move forward sometimes, but what else can I do.

(From last night):

Having the most luxurious lazy morning at the beach, watching the waves from the cabin, nestled in this gorgeous coastal spruce forest. I love it here. Of course I miss Tyler, but that's okay, I'm used to missing him, ha. It's nice being alone, too. (It's just a bit much, these days, yanno). I'm good by myself.

This is my third time in this cabin (all Tyler's rentals).

Feeling a lot more myself. It's interesting, I put my mom's favorite xmas carol on the winter mix I'm listening to. (I am using my verizon hotspot, yay for tons of data.) She was still alive when I made this mix. But was she really here? It occurred to me as the carol played, that it wasn't better when she was still here. When her body was just here, surviving, but who she was, was pretty much gone. What little of her was left was unhappy. She was okay, she found gentle joy in her interactions with Harity, her caretaker, and I am so grateful for that. But it was not a life. Not anymore. It was just existence. I can be grateful, in that way, that she is finally able to be free of suffering; that it is over. I am still overwhelmed with grief from missing all of the good aspects of her. But the bad stuff is trying to creep back in, a little bit, and I think in a weird way, that will help, too. To remember how much pain and suffering she caused me. How hard it was, in some ways, to be her daughter. I am so grateful for the good stuff, there was such an abundance of it. But balanced with an intensity of horror that I am not willing to fully feel, right now (maybe never again - why rehash it). I know she thought I failed her. But if I failed her, then she failed her mom, too, and she failed me, at times. I did everything I could, at the time. I think I can feel at peace with that, deep down. I hope she found that peace, too.

I came here to do work and all I want to do is totally chill out and just be. How long has it been since I've just been afloat? No lists, no expectations, no hoops to jump through, no work to complete, no amount of exercise to achieve to feel accomplished.

I could wander on the beach looking for shells (the sun is so brilliant, lighting up the underside of the waves), I could go get beer at Pelican in Pacific City and coffee at Stimulus, do a flat hike around the peninsula, or a steep hike up Elk Mountain (an hour away so... maybe... all of these things are about an hour away). Or I could just wander the beautiful beach here and then hunker down and work like I originally intended.

Just realized mom's obituary went live, today. It looks lovely. Molly Elaine Rodway Sigh.

I might ask my stepdad to pick up a copy for me somewhere. I think the paper is going to send me one but I'm not certain. (You would think for how much I spent they might, lol. omg.)

I should get dressed, it's already 12:30pm. It's nice just hanging out. I think if I can get dressed, wander the beach, drive down to Pacific City and enjoy some coffee and grab a beer to go, I can come back here start downloading tax forms and getting to work on that, for the rest of the evening. Get in another evening run on the beach, that was super beautiful, last night. Sirius was so spectacular. It's such a rainbow star right now, I couldn't believe my eyes. I had to look it up when I got back to the cabin, and found this confirmation: Sirius the brightest star

The stars are so spectacular, here.

I have so much food here, lol. It's like I thought Tyler was coming. Sweet potato pancakes for breakfast, omg yum. I made myself a pourover and some chai, too. So spoiled and happy, nestled in my coastal forest. This part of the world will always feel like home, from my very youngest childhood years spent here. Joel and I have that in common, that we were raised in Portland, but originally lived on the coast, as children.

Looks like I should be able to beat the snow storm home, tomorrow. Doesn't give me time to hike Elk Mountain, though - will just have to come back for that ;) It looks like a glorious hike.
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Oh also just wanted to mention that my mobile hotspot has been a champ during this trip, I had zero idea I would be able to stream netflix on it, wow. I am still watching that trashy vampire show, but the hardcore level has worn down, now I do a reasonable 2-3 episode stint most nights, if I watch it at all. I just got to see a tasty kiss from my favorite vamp and it made me so happy that I stopped at one episode, not wanting to ruin the moment, lol. Just gunna hold that in my heart for a bit.

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