working through the pain.

need to do my loan app thingie today, erf, nervous. it's always such a pain. why do they make these things so hard.

so glad the taxes are finally in. still just have to figure out payments for the local stuff. i'll get there.

was able to watch the birds this morning and not burst into tears. that was new. they're so pretty and sweet and delicate and beautiful and and and. just. what else is there.

i want to think about setting up my elder years so that i can just have a few easy activities i love, cooking, crafting, reading, writing and drawing/painting maybe, and can watch the birds and critters. what more would one need, in twilight.

Natasha's going back to her house in Hood River with Matt on Friday. I am nauseated over it but what can I do. Suuuuuuuux.

Poor thing. Why does she think it's okay for people to treat her like that.

oops now i'm stress eating. i promised myself i wouldn't let other people effect my eating, bleargh.

halp.

I did get some really beautiful discount valentines chocolate. pretty happy about that. it was nice finally getting to the grocery store last night. i forgot fizzy water but that's okay. maybe i need a soda stream for my birthday lol.

doing laundry finally. need to do the loan app and then comb through my emails and texts for sparkle inquiries and draft some emails for customers and schedule some sparkles for friday, needs to happen. i need to work.

i'm having an impossible time moving. i can't bike in the slush, still, and i refuse to run in it, so there's really nothing aerobic i can do at all. i feel so awful not being able to work out in any way.

i did wake up this morning to actual normal dreams. nothing unpleasant, and i wasn't immediately crying, even though it's still really hard to wake up and get moving with all this grief and sadness. in my dream world, there are many places and apartments i've lived, that i sometimes return to in the dreams. it's weird. there are whole lives wrapped up around them. places along the coast mostly. one with a train that goes along the coast also. it's so realistic, it feels like an actual memory of an actual time in my life, with friends and familiar roads and turns and landmarks and stuff, but none of it actually exists anywhere. the apartments in california are super weird, these grey buildings that even smell like weird college apartments, and the east coast one that chris lived with me in, but chris never came to the east coast and i never lived in a beige building within walking distance of the subway, with a weird mall i had to walk or bike around to get to the train. so visceral though. dreams are so strange. as they should be, i suppose.

headache. needs more coffee.

had a really nice chat with cynthia last night. she gave me a lot of comfort. she's the best. she has good perspective. on life and death and friendship and all of it. how did i get so lucky to get such an amazing friend as her. just, wow.

listening to a lot of sia. I love the floating through space song. and hey boy is my fave, rn.

...

edited to add: my girls want to zoom tonight. I'm sort of on the fence about it. it's a crafty zoom and I have no crafts to do, other than wings which can't happen here, i would have to go to the studio for that, all my wing stuff is there. which i could do! but i dunno. we'll see.

also i've been trying so, so hard to reach out for online connection with them for this entire covid, and it's felt like pulling teeth to get them to agree, and i'm hurt about it. it's been so long since we've finally gotten together that i've just resigned myself to the fact that nobody wants to connect that way, so now i don't even want to, if that makes any sense? i'm resigned to the fact that i won't get my needs met that way, and i've kind of adjusted to not having it, so i'm afraid that if we reconnect there, it'll open a fresh wound and then i'll be vulnerable to more injury. one of them sent a text to our group today about how they chat with the people at the grocery store and have a new relationship with everyone there and she realized she's bonded with the grocery store staff because she can't see her friends. and it just stings a ton because, i'm right here, i've been asking for connection for A YEAR NOW, but the grocery store people are more appealing? I realize that I am hurting and feeling abandoned because of the fact that i bond so well with words. typing, specifically! words of affirmation are my top love language and it's really rare to find others who have this one. so most people, finley explained this to me, just don't get anything from exchanging words, in the way of emotional needs getting met, anyway. whereas it's of course better to see people face to face, but i get a ton of emotional support from just texting/talking/zooming/whatever kind of online interaction you want to name. it's how i found my first love, all online, i found fred there too, preston and myrrh were huge texters, it's my emotional jam. and it's not theirs. so I really need to not take it so personally. it's a helpful realization. i feel less abandoned, now. i know if they could see me face to face they would try harder and care more. it's just hard for me because there's all this opportunity to connect in a way that works for me, but because it doesn't work well for any of them they just don't, so I'm left stranded and so sad, for what seems to me like no good reason. but they do have a good reason, they just connect differently than i do. it's okay.

the rest.

my ladytime happy hour was completely and utterly unproductive, all i did was eat a shitton of chocolate and drink beer that i didn't need to drink, BUT. It forced me to get out of the apartment, i actually showered and put on clean clothes for the first time since maybe... friday last week? I got into my studio and at least watered my poor neglected little aloe, and I did touch a pair of wings if not actually make any progress with them. should have just stayed here and made more tissue paper flowers but that's okay. maybe next time.

I got to zoom-meet Karissa's new dog Yogi, OMG YOGIIIIIII he is the sweetest! I love.

didn't make it to the grocery store but there's time for that. i made josh a giant tofu curry with sweet onion, cabbage, easter egg radishes, kale, arugula, green onion, cilantro, and grape tomatoes before i left, and chopped up extra green onions, cilantro, and tomatoes for fresh toppings, cooked him a pot of rice and baked two sweet potatoes to go with it all, that was a pretty massive undertaking that went pretty well and now there's tofu curry for days, yay. should go watch vampire show and go to sleep. can do better with exercise and activities tomorrow, hopefully. I have some sparkles to schedule and some chores to complete.

tired tired.