![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
more food obsessing.
Feb. 20th, 2021 09:00 ambeen snacking all night every night since mom died, i realized. it's okay. it's been really hard to take care of my body during second lockdown. having everything taken away from me is just too much. no aerial silks, no skating, the weather is too crap for hiking or biking, i hate running in the rain and refuse to do so in the snow, there's just nothing left. i still haven't figured out how to navigate this in a healthy way. but i need to remember, i also gained about 10lbs during first lockdown, and i was able to train it back down again once i was able to get back to my activities somewhat. i can do it again. first lockdown i lost madoc soon after, 2nd lockdown i lost mom. it makes sense that i would self-soothe with food.
i just need to find some way to remind myself that i like that empty, light, healthy feeling in the morning, and i can never feel it if i keep eating chocolate bars and candied nuts at 10pm. I just don't have the willpower to fight the cravings, right now.
i could use some liquid fasting days, but that's been hard, too.
if i keep eating like this i'll never get my pullups back. also i just hate the way i look, it all goes straight to my belly (cortisol nooooooo). worse is the way i feel though. the chronic joint pain and mood problems are unbearable. and so familiar. noooooooooooooooooooo. all of the no.
i have done better staying away from grains, at least. that really helps with my moods, if i can avoid those. (ugh nevermind the handful of corn chips last night whoops.) the problem is i tend to replace them with nuts, which are wonderful but about 10x the calories, lol.
...
during work yesterday i was in between customers and had cleaned everything and was snacking (oops) and a really good song came on my mix and i started fantasizing about having friends over in the evening to the overlook house to daaaaaaance. i was dancing in my studio, i haven't solo danced to music in so so long. once we're vaccinated, i can have people over, yes? i wonder what they'd charge for a few hours in the conference room (wood floors, pretty views).
Josh and I are going to go ski on the mountain, gotta get going! that'll burn some calories. and it will be beautiful, and fun. if a bit crowded. it's a perfect day and it's a saturday. we'll cross our fingers we can get parking up there. he only wants to ski a couple hours so we're going late, people usually start leaving the x-country park around 1:30pm so we should be okay.
i just need to find some way to remind myself that i like that empty, light, healthy feeling in the morning, and i can never feel it if i keep eating chocolate bars and candied nuts at 10pm. I just don't have the willpower to fight the cravings, right now.
i could use some liquid fasting days, but that's been hard, too.
if i keep eating like this i'll never get my pullups back. also i just hate the way i look, it all goes straight to my belly (cortisol nooooooo). worse is the way i feel though. the chronic joint pain and mood problems are unbearable. and so familiar. noooooooooooooooooooo. all of the no.
i have done better staying away from grains, at least. that really helps with my moods, if i can avoid those. (ugh nevermind the handful of corn chips last night whoops.) the problem is i tend to replace them with nuts, which are wonderful but about 10x the calories, lol.
...
during work yesterday i was in between customers and had cleaned everything and was snacking (oops) and a really good song came on my mix and i started fantasizing about having friends over in the evening to the overlook house to daaaaaaance. i was dancing in my studio, i haven't solo danced to music in so so long. once we're vaccinated, i can have people over, yes? i wonder what they'd charge for a few hours in the conference room (wood floors, pretty views).
Josh and I are going to go ski on the mountain, gotta get going! that'll burn some calories. and it will be beautiful, and fun. if a bit crowded. it's a perfect day and it's a saturday. we'll cross our fingers we can get parking up there. he only wants to ski a couple hours so we're going late, people usually start leaving the x-country park around 1:30pm so we should be okay.
