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cold tea. sad heart.
Apr. 13th, 2021 08:44 pmfeelin' bad. not sure journalling will help at all. it might just be general malaise/crummy feeling from the vaccine. but i'm just kinda pissy and hopeless feeling at the moment. i'm really frustrated with my feelings about pam and tyler right now. she called me and it was a very brief and unpleasant call. tyler asked to call while i was hiking yesterday, and then never replied when i tried to reconnect after i turned my phone back on, which is beyond frustating. and there is this deep gnawing feeling that the boys wanted to keep me away from their mom when she really needed support, because they felt they knew how to support her better, or just need to keep me at arm's length for whatever reason, and i'm so hurt by it. i understand that family is family and that stuff is hard, but the dismissiveness was intense and it's worse now. and pam said something this morning about feeling bad that she didn't "do anything" for me for christmas, which i mean, the last thing i want her to feel is obligated to me for some reason. so now i just feel like a burden to that entire family, and an annoyance, and a curiosity that they vaguely wish would go away. pam is asking when i'll visit and it's just suddenly absolutely the very last thing i want to do, now. i don't want her to feel bad about how i'm feeling, either. so. i guess i'll just see how i'm feeling in the morning, if i'm still too sick for the drive, i'll stay here.
i gorged on way too much food yesterday after the vaccine, still stress eating. i am so fat omg. it's really hard to care much rn though. it'll get better eventually. food is yummy in the meantime. i'll feel healthy again one day. my feet are torn to shreds from my skates, and i'm so achey and fatigued. i just feel awful. but i'm sure it will pass, eventually. i should not have drunk so much at karissa's on saturday, i feel like such a terrible friend for just drunkenly babbling at her all night. one day i will learn how to stop drinking. i really, really don't like myself when i drink more than a single beverage. i can handle one. one is perfect.
i might have one now. between this headache and joint pain and just such sadness, i can't imagine feeling any worse, and maybe it would help numb it a little bit, i don't know. i ate too much today though, maybe i should just call it good, here. i cooked some really beautiful food at least. lots of veggies. nettle stems with purple onions and broccoli raab and purple collards, carrots and a sprinkle of ground flax seeds and olive oil and shitake mushroom powder. this morning was steel cut oats with raisins, goji berries, pecans, mango, and fresh shredded turmeric and ginger. apples and oranges and vegan cheese for snacks. and the best veggie tacos, beans and tofu and veggies and vegan cheese with miso on almond flour tortillas. all wonderful things. it's okay that i overdid it and snuck some chocolate too lol. i want to eat ten more chocolate bars but i'm not. i want to eat an entire container of vegan whipped cream but i'm not. i want a box of crackers but i'm not. i want rosemary toast with vegan butter. but. i'm. not.
got my orders out. work area is still a wreck and i'm out of clothes if i don't do laundry tomorrow. need to make more video content and i hate my face too much to even think about filming.
can't register for v-safe for the vaccine because it requires a phone app and my phone cannot run any more apps. so tired of everyone doing everything on their phones. i'm the last person that uses a laptop i swear. bc my phone sucks.
read up on the J&J Thrombotic Thrombocytopenia issue and basically as long as I'm not given heparin as a treatment if I get thromboses I'll be fine. There is about a one in a million chance this will happen to me so. Not terribly worried. But there is a small part of me that wants to plan for my sudden death. Like writing down passwords for the husband. We don't have anything jointly, he wouldn't know how to access anything of mine. I should really make a will. Want desperately to clean out the garage for Josh so he doesn't have to deal with it. One day. desk area is so much more important. I lost my earbuds for two hours today. They were just on the floor. With all my other crap that's just on the floor, under my chair. sigh.
wish there was a way to keep my tea warm.
i gorged on way too much food yesterday after the vaccine, still stress eating. i am so fat omg. it's really hard to care much rn though. it'll get better eventually. food is yummy in the meantime. i'll feel healthy again one day. my feet are torn to shreds from my skates, and i'm so achey and fatigued. i just feel awful. but i'm sure it will pass, eventually. i should not have drunk so much at karissa's on saturday, i feel like such a terrible friend for just drunkenly babbling at her all night. one day i will learn how to stop drinking. i really, really don't like myself when i drink more than a single beverage. i can handle one. one is perfect.
i might have one now. between this headache and joint pain and just such sadness, i can't imagine feeling any worse, and maybe it would help numb it a little bit, i don't know. i ate too much today though, maybe i should just call it good, here. i cooked some really beautiful food at least. lots of veggies. nettle stems with purple onions and broccoli raab and purple collards, carrots and a sprinkle of ground flax seeds and olive oil and shitake mushroom powder. this morning was steel cut oats with raisins, goji berries, pecans, mango, and fresh shredded turmeric and ginger. apples and oranges and vegan cheese for snacks. and the best veggie tacos, beans and tofu and veggies and vegan cheese with miso on almond flour tortillas. all wonderful things. it's okay that i overdid it and snuck some chocolate too lol. i want to eat ten more chocolate bars but i'm not. i want to eat an entire container of vegan whipped cream but i'm not. i want a box of crackers but i'm not. i want rosemary toast with vegan butter. but. i'm. not.
got my orders out. work area is still a wreck and i'm out of clothes if i don't do laundry tomorrow. need to make more video content and i hate my face too much to even think about filming.
can't register for v-safe for the vaccine because it requires a phone app and my phone cannot run any more apps. so tired of everyone doing everything on their phones. i'm the last person that uses a laptop i swear. bc my phone sucks.
read up on the J&J Thrombotic Thrombocytopenia issue and basically as long as I'm not given heparin as a treatment if I get thromboses I'll be fine. There is about a one in a million chance this will happen to me so. Not terribly worried. But there is a small part of me that wants to plan for my sudden death. Like writing down passwords for the husband. We don't have anything jointly, he wouldn't know how to access anything of mine. I should really make a will. Want desperately to clean out the garage for Josh so he doesn't have to deal with it. One day. desk area is so much more important. I lost my earbuds for two hours today. They were just on the floor. With all my other crap that's just on the floor, under my chair. sigh.
wish there was a way to keep my tea warm.
