haven't had my coffee yet.

on the hunt for j&j vaccines officially. i signed up for the oregon vaccine finder yesterday but signed up for all the rest of them i could find this morning and started hunting. apparently walmart and cvs and maybe kroger are the places to go for j&j currently. there are warnings that this particular vaccine are in short supply, so it will probably be a while. can't wait to hear people try to talk me into getting a different one. fuck right the hell off with that shit. i don't want *any* of these vaccines, be glad i'm willing to do this for humanity and leave me the fuck alone. come back to me after you've had your closest friend lose multiple family members to vaccination and see if you feel the same way about what you think i should do with my body.

i still think it's dumb that i qualify as eligible at the same time as grocery store workers in my state just because my work has to be done in person. but whatever, it is what it is.

do not approve.

done with zoomz.

realized that zoom has become extremely, excessively toxic for me. i am so, so angry that people i love are separated from me. i don't think it's right, the way we're letting this virus tear apart needed friendships and families. all i do is drink alcohol and eat garbage when i'm on it, the last things my body and mind need. i don't drink or eat garbage any other time. i am done zooming.

acceptance.

have coffee. calming down from the stress of vaccine hunting. what a bunch of bullshit. (I couldn't find any.)

was going to ski today but the sunshine is so nice, i think i'll just stay here and bike up to rocky butte again. maybe go for a run in the park and sit on the bench. i feel listless and horrible. but not for any good reason other than i can't skate or dance or do silks and am not loved by the person who was most important to me to feel loved by and my parents are dead and my work is terrifying to do without being vaccinated and i make a third of what i used to doing it. but those were all frosting, having those things. i still have an extremely loving husband and food and shelter and my brother. my base life is still amazing. i have no right to be sad. i hate myself for feeling this way and just walking through life in this zombie haze of grief and despair.

it'll pass. eventually. i guess.

husband gunna hubs

i made josh some salmon salad with canned salmon, yogurt, pickles, green onions, and some really lovely seasonings, to put on his spinach salad. i described the meal several times. i chopped and set out salad toppings to sprinkle onto his spinach with it: walnuts, carrots, tomatoes, cilantro, more green onions. i explained this to him and set it all out carefully in the fridge for him: spinach bag, salmon/yogurt mix, toppings.

he dumped the toppings into the salmon mix and ate the entire bowl of salmon with no spinach. at all.

wtf. all he's said he wanted was spinach salad. i told him this was a topping for his salad. why. whyyyyyyyyyy.

why do i even try.

that was probably like 3000 calories lol. and now he has nothing to put on his giant bag of spinach, which he never stops talking about being his favorite thing to eat.

men can be really dense.

i know they don't care about food but jesus. he really doesn't hear a word i say, does he.