k thx

sooooooooooooooooooooooo, i've been a complete emotional wreck for a few months now. and really all of my life, ha. (it definitely feels like that when in the throes of a depressive downswing.) so a few weeks ago, i took away access to my locked entries from basically everyone because i didn't want to expose anyone to my ugliest processing with any sort of regularity. i occasionally post publicly and then hide them a couple hours later, just to feel like i shared something for a moment.

i was hoping to make more kind of mid-range entries, that were personal enough to be engaging but not gross. but i haven't been able to do that very well.

so anyway, if you feel like access to my basically self-therapy journal, here, would be beneficial or interesting to you, and would not cause any upset or harm, feel free to ask. i regularly contradict myself and make false claims about myself and the world, as i try to make sense of the insanity in my head and around me. but it's just thoughts being processed - about 11% of what i write here is genuine truth reflective of who i am as a person. so. i dunno. not sure how to move forward with this journal. i journal compulsively, have done so since i was 13, that will never stop. it's the sharing part that i go back and forth on.

much love. i appreciate any journals that share anything personal, it's really comforting and nice to still be able to connect to a handful of humans and see their experiences reflected through this little portal, here. thanks for being.

moon night.

gah, 10pm is my hard cut-off for eating and I'm SO HUNGRY.

my fault.

sipping fizzy water with a splash of cranberry juice. takes the edge off. hope grehlin is doing something good in there for me.

had such a wildly productive day, today. would love to do the same tomorrow but with 4 straight hours of sparkling booked that's going to be tricky. we'll see. I would like to get a load of laundry in, in the morning, hit the pet store and grocery store (on my bike?) in the morning, hit the farmers market at noon for Josh's lunch and weekly veggies, shower, and head to werk on my bike, werk 2-7. (it always takes a while to open and close the studio with all of the covid precautions.)

i also would like to record a couple more shorty videos. I'm trying to see if i can actually do one small video per day until halloween, reading Faeries Oracle cards, but I've never even remotely managed to post anything regularly to youtube so i kinda doubt it will work. but the faeries are asking and i can feel them giggling, they think it's funny and it delights them, and they want more, so how can i deny them.

i am buzzing with so much inspiration for videos and wings. a subscriber asked me for some specific topics that I REALLY want to record, also i want just a straight up video of sparkling happening, like, candid style kinda? also i need equipment for recording, just a basic microphone (or nice microphone?) and a light would be a great start, but then, a LAPTOP would be amazing. i'm still using a gifted laptop from 2007, literally, as my backup, and my main laptop is a machine Josh built me from discards at his last job (with his boss' permission) in probably 2015? erf. me and tech. jankity style.

might do a faery makeup video on Andy just to use him as a prop, since he keeps sending me unsolicited photos of himself in cute outfits lol. retribution.

this is not my first boy-who-hits-on-me-going-gender-fluid rodeo.

dog mountain is restorative. will post about it later.

also will post the unedited version of my rambly faeries oracle reading.

THE MOON IS SO GLORIOUS tonight omg. and jupiter. and saturn. despite the haze. my throat is gunked up from hiking in smoky air but what can you do. i drank wine with karissa and ate things like biscuits and cupcakes and have been stressed tf out, and i still want to fit into sexy outfits, so. until i can stop eating garbage i will have to continue climbing mountains, and running at fernhill and wilshire, and skating so hard i feel like puking every sunday. sigh.

am grateful for the moon.

there was a black bear crossing the highway on my way back, it was so terrifying but every car stopped and put on their hazards and carefully crawled past where she had been on the road. i've never seen a bear on a busy highway like that before, poor thing. this is about the time of year i saw the bear on the trail last year, in a different area. i was picking huckleberries. i've almost missed that window, i think it's okay, the bears need the berries more than i do. i still have elderberries to bake with. oh i should be baking in this cold weather! we are having a crazy climate-change-style cold snap, we hit 48 degrees for our low this morning, that's the coldest low on record for this date.

walking up mountains is such a great reset, for me. i feel amazing. slightly manic but still, better than where i was, that's for certain. i suspect a lot of that was hormonal, i spotted for two days totally out of the range of my normal cycle and then abruptly stopped. that is not something my body does. well. until now, i guess.