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glowing ember.
Sep. 4th, 2021 10:50 pmhad a really good week. and a really good day. lots of good things. but i'm still completely exhausted and sad. life just wears on me, emotionally. i want to take a week off and just catch up on tracking and work on my art, and clean my work space and living space, but i feel so guilty not actively making an income. what if i squander the time just lying around feeling sad. that seems to be what happens when i don't force myself to work. i dunno what's going on with me, it didn't used to be like this.
i have been doing a lot of present moment practice, today. i just think about death constantly, constantly, constantly. i am always on the verge of tears. over my parents. i realized that in a way with my mom's death, i am mourning two people. i am mourning the loss of my mother, who i lost to dementia ten years ago, really. she probably forgot that she was actually my mom around 2013 or so. but forgot most of our relationship before that. but i also am mourning the little old lady we cared for, for the last ten years, who was very sweet and we had a familial bond with but who was not my mother. at least not as far as she knew. not in any way that was motherly. i don't know how to explain it. that lady was very sweet and loving, and she suffered too much, too too much, from her illness, and i miss her, too.
so all this death constantly on my mind makes me very aware of being alive, and how tenuous it is, and how miraculous every breath is. the feeling of running water on my hands when i'm in the kitchen washing dishes. the feeling of the towel as i dry my hands. how this every day movement and feeling is so fleeting and temporary. how this is what i am intentionally choosing to do with my time, to cook and clean in the kitchen, to prepare and serve healthy food, that i spend extra time hunting for at the farmers market, because i enjoy it. this is one of the few things in life i feel competent and confident doing. it is not meaningless, it is not a waste. it is the essence of my life, in this moment. this is who i am choosing to be.
i'm a bit overwhelmed about the prospect of climbing broken top with Tyler on Tuesday when i can't even make myself do a load of laundry right now. I need to re-check and prep my ten essentials and make sure i have enough backup clothing and food. i need to bring a little extra gear in case he's serious about camping overnight and attempting to summit South Sister on Wednesday. It is within my fitness capabilities to do one or both, just not sure about my mental game, at the moment. I don't trust my mind, i've been so scatterbrained lately and so anxious and fearful, so forgetful, so disorganized and constantly overwhelmed. With Tyler holding my hand I am usually pretty motivated to make anything happen, though. He's very reassuring and encouraging, in difficult situations. And so far, even our disastrous mountain trips have been fun for me, somehow i keep it together even better than he does in those types of situations. but maybe those were just flukes. i'm in not as good shape weight or conditioning-wise, and I'm in a lot more physical and emotional pain, these days. We'll see I guess.
Lunar puked on the bed today. He is still a wonderful cat. Josh was upset but forgives him. I feel terrible not being able to fix this puking issue. I keep trying.
i have been doing a lot of present moment practice, today. i just think about death constantly, constantly, constantly. i am always on the verge of tears. over my parents. i realized that in a way with my mom's death, i am mourning two people. i am mourning the loss of my mother, who i lost to dementia ten years ago, really. she probably forgot that she was actually my mom around 2013 or so. but forgot most of our relationship before that. but i also am mourning the little old lady we cared for, for the last ten years, who was very sweet and we had a familial bond with but who was not my mother. at least not as far as she knew. not in any way that was motherly. i don't know how to explain it. that lady was very sweet and loving, and she suffered too much, too too much, from her illness, and i miss her, too.
so all this death constantly on my mind makes me very aware of being alive, and how tenuous it is, and how miraculous every breath is. the feeling of running water on my hands when i'm in the kitchen washing dishes. the feeling of the towel as i dry my hands. how this every day movement and feeling is so fleeting and temporary. how this is what i am intentionally choosing to do with my time, to cook and clean in the kitchen, to prepare and serve healthy food, that i spend extra time hunting for at the farmers market, because i enjoy it. this is one of the few things in life i feel competent and confident doing. it is not meaningless, it is not a waste. it is the essence of my life, in this moment. this is who i am choosing to be.
i'm a bit overwhelmed about the prospect of climbing broken top with Tyler on Tuesday when i can't even make myself do a load of laundry right now. I need to re-check and prep my ten essentials and make sure i have enough backup clothing and food. i need to bring a little extra gear in case he's serious about camping overnight and attempting to summit South Sister on Wednesday. It is within my fitness capabilities to do one or both, just not sure about my mental game, at the moment. I don't trust my mind, i've been so scatterbrained lately and so anxious and fearful, so forgetful, so disorganized and constantly overwhelmed. With Tyler holding my hand I am usually pretty motivated to make anything happen, though. He's very reassuring and encouraging, in difficult situations. And so far, even our disastrous mountain trips have been fun for me, somehow i keep it together even better than he does in those types of situations. but maybe those were just flukes. i'm in not as good shape weight or conditioning-wise, and I'm in a lot more physical and emotional pain, these days. We'll see I guess.
Lunar puked on the bed today. He is still a wonderful cat. Josh was upset but forgives him. I feel terrible not being able to fix this puking issue. I keep trying.
