haunted doll vibes

one of the new-to-me dw accounts I follow, torachan, posts beautiful photos from regular Disneyland visits which make me especially happy rn because I'm obsessed with Halloween and it's all Halloweened out and I want to goooooooooooooo. (My brother has done Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween many years running, but he's skipping Oogie Boogie's bash this year because of the covid restrictions - he didn't make it last year, either. Maybe next year if things are better, we can plan ahead and go together. I would love that. Maybe a birthday present for him. I wonder if we could connect it with a visit with our mom's cousin, she lives near Seal Beach? I dunno.)

He mentioned a photo of Sally in the Haunted Mansion on reddit so I wanted to share it here, it's just so beautiful:



My muse.

family and anniversary and kitty and bleh.

a little nervous that i suggested only rock climbing for our anniversary tomorrow. it's haunting me a little bit that both tyler and his mom think that my relationship with josh is 90% about josh and i'm not considered very much. sigh. i don't know. i'm just grateful and happy and he floats a lot of savings and rent so that i have the flexibility to not work full time so that i can hike on weekdays and take silks classes, and what more can i ask for, really. i'm pretty content. i get a little lost sometimes but i'm working on it.

feeling kind of tired but okay. after a very stressful weekend and my brother completely melting down on me, we were able to gently finish moving out of his house tonight. i didn't want to give him my only day off after giving him all day saturday, a day that i could have been sparkling and making several hundred dollars, but it was his birthday and i felt beholden. i felt a bit emotionally blackmailed but what can you do. i went over yesterday and cleaned a lot. he really just used me as a maid. which he could have hired with the thousand dollar check i cut him but oh well. josh is beyond furious and feels i've been completely taken advantage of and wants nothing to do with my brother. but. it's not that simple. sigh. my brother spent a lot of years taking care of me when i couldn't stay afloat on my own. when mom first got really sick he did everything for her. everything. what can i do.

i'm stressed out and tired, though. fixing my brother's life these last 3 days meant letting my own fall apart. i finally was able to get some groceries tonight but it was late and i haven't been able to cook, yet. i have eaten only prepared food and random snacks for 3 days. so unhealthy and stressful.

but i took tomorrow off. i can leisurely go to the farmers market. i can leisurely cook all of my beautiful produce. there will be time for laundry and organizing my work space, and fixing some problem orders. i've randomly had a few returned, lately. and one $300 order is currently lost, which has never happened before and is very stressful and upsetting.

deep sigh. this is part of running an online store, i suppose.

i'm listening to asmr to try to calm down a bit before sleep. i rubbed a lot of soothing oils into my beat up skin from all the cleaning at the house.

i will miss that little house he sold, so painfully. we only had it for 4 years, but it was such a nice little home. it felt cozy and safe. darwin was so, so happy there. sigh.

maybe i can soak tomorrow after the house visit.

we're rock climbing in the evening. maybe we can get some celebratory tacos or something afterward, i dunno.

we did have a really beautiful brunch with his parents on a lake in perfect weather on Saturday morning, so that was nice. lovely. they gave us such a nice gift.

I'm feeling a need to track how much i spend on food. how do i remind myself to follow through with that, tomorrow.

so many little things i keep forgetting.

i'm really sore from my first silks class in 5 years, on sunday. but okay. john was gentle on me. i know that won't last, lol.

had fun seeing a bunch of skaters at the rink on sunday morning for an exhibition, we did a group number with absolutely no rehearsal, which is the first time i've ever done anything like that, it was super fun. i wish i could have stayed, it was beverly's 90th birthday and she was so happy to see me. julie's been spending a lot of time with her so i might try to join them for lunch or something sometime soon. her husband used to sharpen my skates, before he had an accident falling off a ladder and died prematurely. he was vivacious and brilliant, i'm sure he'd still be sharpening if he were still here. bev is an absolute delight. her daughter is really great, too. they were all close with my skating coach when i was growing up. so they feel like family. i miss her so much, still. she was like a second mom to me. her name was delores mezyk, she was a rose festival princess as were all of her sisters. and a ballerina. and loved minnie mouse and black coffee. and was so magical in so many ways. she should still be here.

i wanted to share about all the ways i witnessed the devolution of my city when i was out running errands on sunday, but it's too depressing. my poor city. portland still has magic, but it's overrun with a sickness that it can't seem to fight off. like the pandemic. like our planet. it's hard to witness, after seeing it as a child and how beautiful and healthy it was, then.

my cat is an absolute delight. we walk him like people walk their dogs. josh often joins or sometimes takes him without me. at night we use a harness. it's healthy for us. he loves josh so much. he barfed this morning, sigh, but it was really mostly just a hairball. my poor barfy baby. being declawed and so clearly trained to be an indoor cat (he doesn't even know how to pee outside), a big part of me suspects that he got abandoned because his owners who care more about furniture than a cat's own limbs abandoned him because they couldn't stand him puking inside their beautiful home and couldn't solve the problem by rehoming or euthanizing him. this is just my instinctual guess. he's such a ridiculously perfect cat, otherwise. he tries to say words, he's so communicative and so tolerant. josh accidentally locked him in the coat closet tonight and he was in there for 20+ minutes before josh heard a crash and realized what he had done. Lunar came out totally unphased. he didn't pee on anything in the closet at all. such a sweetie.