Sep. 17th, 2021

serafaery: (Default)
the girl whose youtube has been making me so happy (youtube videos are one of the ways I reward myself for good behaviors, lately, I'm trying so hard to unfuck my life, here), I just randomly was suggested a vlog of hers from 2 years ago, and it made me cry because she was talking about losing her mom and all the ways her mom made her happy and how much she wished it had been easier in the past for people to take photos and videos of one another when they are together so that she could go back and watch and listen, even though she's still grateful that she has those memories in her heart. it's so gutwrenching because i just.......... ugh.

i need some psychological help.

i just wish i'd had a better relationship with my mom, a cheerful, supportive one, like sam's.

and i wish that mom hadn't died the way she died, deteriorated that way. it's so insidious, i cannot explain how awful it was, i will never be able to accept or fully comprehend what we went through and i think i will be forever scarred by it.

she was such a beautiful, vibrant lady, it's like elephantitis but for the mind, distorting and making hideous everything that was once beautiful and functional, bright and clever.

a friend called me in a panic last night, completely sloshed, because her roommate had to go to the er for back pain and she was a spun out about it. i just. she's still traumatized by her cat's recent death, but drunk calls kinda suck, when they get on repeat of the same story especially.

i know it was upsetting, and she's still sensitive from recent trauma, but it wasn't that big of a deal. sometimes witchy people bug me because they insist that some sort of magical bad energy is haunting their space that they need to banish, instead of just accepting that life throws shit at people at random and you just have to deal sometimes.

i dunno. i'm done pretending there are spells for keeping people safe. living a mortal life will never be fully safe. there is risk in each and every breath. but we breathe.

i need sleep.
serafaery: (Default)
nothing but nightmares all night. i blame the popcorn but i also read that the brain generates them when we are processing a lot of change, so it makes sense, i hope that my life is changing. need to stop eating for comfort, eating when i'm not hungry, eating unhealthy things. i used to enjoy the feeling of occasional hunger (not starvation). food just makes me miserable anymore. hope i can get back there. to a healthier happier place.

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serafaery

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