Oct. 26th, 2021

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kinda paralyzed with anxiety today, murp. it hasn't happened in a while. i cannot put my finger on why, and i don't really want to go hunting for the reason. there are lots of small reasons. concerns with my marriage and with money, but those things are so temporary and solvable, they shouldn't cause such internal strain. it'll pass.

finally coming down off of the high from clubbing and kizomba on thursday. i think i get extra sensitive and carried away with the attention because at 46, every time something like this happens - a young thing offers me their number out of the blue, or i get a compliment on my appearance, or a sexy boy i've cuddled with for years grabs my hip and whispers "yes" so softly into my neck, I fear it will be the last time it ever happens. i do not have a lifetime of these experiences to look forward to, anymore - they are mostly behind me. which is fine, i've had more than my fair share, but it makes the current ones unbearably electric, with their visceral impermanence. it feels like it's all that matters when it really doesn't, not that much.

i wish i could shake this feeling of inadequacy. i miss feeling confident about who i was, when i was in grad school my mind was so well trained, it didn't matter what i looked like. i need to go back to learning. it's been shoved so far down my list of priorities that it makes me feel nauseated to even think about signing up for say, an online literature class, or something of that sort. but i need to do something, it feels like my brain is melting, i need to use it differently. my husband is addicted to learning, as is tyler, and it keeps their inner lives so alight and vibrant. i re-subscribed to an old friends' journal whose enjoyment of esoteric historical stories meld into creative writing that is so comforting and darling, but i don't get any of the references so i feel so absent and disconnected when i read them. it's sad. i had a nightmare about a tango festival in which certain social norms were set up just so, and everyone tried to hard to lead me, but i stood like a deer in headlights, just watching them and missing out on all the fun. i am always so afraid to try things when i don't know what they will lead to. i think this is a result of so much untreated trauma around bullying, and being set up for failure and ridicule as an adolescent. it's why i retreated into the goth scene at 15 - there the whole point is to be ridiculed, so if you've lost, and don't fit in, and are out of line, you've automatically gained acceptance. it's why i still linger here.

funny, astro-poets horoscope for this week is so spot-on for taurus (for the record, in my experience, taurus women are more stable than taurus males - not that i'm calling myself stable in any way lol):


Astro Poets [profile] poetastrologers Week of 10/24 in Taurus: Things are solidifying in all of the good ways. You can hardly believe some of the progress that has been made. Revisiting an old home will ignite your love of the past. The present too has your attention.

I still can't think straight, should get some orders out and put some henna on my head i guess.

oh, meant to mention that my body is mostly behaving, currently. I did stress-binge popcorn last night but that was totally called for, last night was really hard. this is always the week of the year that i live on pretty much chocolate and popcorn, oh, Halloween. my little legs have become so spindly since i broke my ice skate, my skating muscles vanished so fast. but my butt finally fits in my undies again, i've been eating way fewer calories the last few days and i feel so much better when i can do this comfortably - i'm not starving at all, just not wanting to eat as much. my waist slims down so fast when i'm not stress-snacking all the time, it's so much better, my body feels light and airy and happy.

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