Dec. 31st, 2021

serafaery: (Default)
yikes almost just spent $500 on a phone when it appears i could get a better phone for free if I just wait until the 1st. glad I hit the chat box on the verizon website, eek.

I've never purchased a smartphone, but can't get hand-me-downs anymore because now all the services have people trade in their old phones. my current phone can't hold a charge unless it's plugged in, I've limped along for longer than I should, it's wrecking my friendships and my work. But I can wait one more day lol.

still feeling bad but will keep working on it. still not hungry after fasting yesterday. was going to ski today but just checked the forecast and it's been changed to heavy snow which the Fit cannot handle and i don't really want to drive Josh's truck and risk something going wrong. at least if i wreck the Fit it's my own car and my own fault. so i will just run i guess. maybe climb, since my booster should be effective enough at this point. and spend the rest of the day organizing and unpacking the rest of the apartment. we still have a pile of boxes in the livingroom. i'm kind of dreading this last push because i like the apartment how it is and don't want to add anything, but i have such a hard time throwing things away, guh.

i should be so lucky. very grateful for the apartment, for having a warm, safe place to land.

a run to the studio would help, i can drop off rent and pick up some fabric to try softening my overhead in my bedroom, here. buy some sticky hooks for hanging masks and said fabric and some wings, get a latte, maybe a snack if i ever get hungry again, i'll be good.

fasting feels good. i think sometimes it's healthy to just let my body totally empty out and not work on digestion, switch to something different for a change.

there was a bunch of stuff in my audiobook about people bonding over meals together and it just made me really angry because my boys don't share meals with me anymore. at least cynthia still does.

grateful for the savings, oh and i started rescheduling so i can buy my stompy dance boots and pretty grey/purple winter snow/rain boots. reward for working, yes. whatever gets me to do it.

there is a part of me that feels like, when climbing out of a depressive downswing, that the depression is reality and coping is just faking. but i can fake it pretty well and it's the only way out, so, i will fake away happily, until the facade breaks again and i have to rebuild some new way to pretend life is bearable, with all of its loss and pain. there is such beauty here, too. if the only way to see it is through fantasy, then fine. i will dream through my life as much as this little existence will allow.
serafaery: (Default)
omg food is so yummy after a fast. i had bone broth that i made from scratch, some leftover veggies from the other day, avocado toast on a crunchy toasted almond flour tortilla, some sheep milk yogurt with poppy seeds and goji berries and peanut butter (don't tell josh), and the yummiest almond milk latte. oh and a banana and an apple. now so full. nom nom.

josh wants hot cocoa for new year's eve? I'm going to get him some fancy take-out, too, since for whatever reason he feels like celebrating. usually everyone else wants to celebrate and he doesn't - he hates new years, usually.

he's had a pretty phenomenal year, though.

new year

Dec. 31st, 2021 04:46 pm
serafaery: (Default)
i am running into a new year
i am running into a new year
and the old years blow back
like a wind
that i catch in my hair
like strong fingers like
all my old promises and
it will be hard to let go
of what i said to myself
about myself
when i was sixteen and
twentysix and thirtysix
even thirtysix but
i am running into a new year
and i beg what i love and
i leave to forgive me

—Lucille Clifton

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