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Dec. 30th, 2021
sunk in grip.
Dec. 30th, 2021 12:57 pmgetting used to the upstairs music. they have really good taste, at least. i tried to shazam a song but it's not quite loud enough for that, sadly. and they're tidy, they vacuum like 2x a week. it's fine. they're quiet at night, that's the most important thing.
still not feeling any point in existing but at least was able to say as much to josh. calmed down about the floors in the old apartment. probably just me catastrophizing.
i forget in the deepest throes of depression that it passes. it feels so permanent when in the thick of it.
still not feeling any point in existing but at least was able to say as much to josh. calmed down about the floors in the old apartment. probably just me catastrophizing.
i forget in the deepest throes of depression that it passes. it feels so permanent when in the thick of it.
killer T cells
Dec. 30th, 2021 05:14 pmfeeling a bit nauseated from fasting, allowed coffee and tea and the tea is blech.
Dr C has a new video about T cell response to omicron and it's both comforting and infuriating bc the CDC said J&J sucks but as before, J&J's T cell response is actually stronger than the other vaccines, especially for people who got two shots of it, which now I wish I'd known so I could have gotten boosted properly with a second dose of that, but whatever it's done now.
but also, this is just freaking me out because everyone i know is testing positive. all of my kizomba people have it, an ASMR girl has it, it's just everywhere, it feels inescapable and for some reason I just really want no part in going out there and adding to the flood of infections, I dunno.
ugh so nauseated, i feel like my brain is melting. can't think straight.
Dr C has a new video about T cell response to omicron and it's both comforting and infuriating bc the CDC said J&J sucks but as before, J&J's T cell response is actually stronger than the other vaccines, especially for people who got two shots of it, which now I wish I'd known so I could have gotten boosted properly with a second dose of that, but whatever it's done now.
but also, this is just freaking me out because everyone i know is testing positive. all of my kizomba people have it, an ASMR girl has it, it's just everywhere, it feels inescapable and for some reason I just really want no part in going out there and adding to the flood of infections, I dunno.
ugh so nauseated, i feel like my brain is melting. can't think straight.
unraveling the tangles.
Dec. 30th, 2021 10:29 pmlistened to a lot of my audiobook, tried to get my room organized, i unpacked and repacked so many things but it still looks the same. maybe if i make some runs to the garage and studio, it'll start to look a little different. i hope it isn't this ugly once the new furniture arrives.
did laundry. caught up on dishes.
will try to go to bed soon and get up early enough to henna my hair and shower and decide if i'm up for a day of skiing solo. might be just the thing to snap me out of this funk. but if i need to stay home and keep unpacking that's okay too, i could run later instead of skiing, less driving, no taking my life into my hands over the mountain.
tyler randomly texted me an albino jaguarundi cub video and i'm just perplexed. he did give me dates for clear lake finally.
josh says to use the boots i am thinking of buying as a reward for doing some work. he is using my own strategies to advise me - i've been talking about using rewards to hack my brain into being more productive and developing better habits. so i guess i better start scheduling again and stop hiding from the world. i unfortunately am in the "omicron is inescapable" camp, as much as i don't want to be a part of it, it's inevitable as far as i can tell. if andrea wants to hide from it that's fine but i'm not going to be able to do that, i don't think. can i tolerate another lock down in the dead of winter? doubtful.
took lunar for a very long walk, as it was finally a day when it was not freezing and we had a break in the rain. he got confused and went back to the old apartment and refused to leave, but once he realized i was headed back to our new place, he trotted back happily. silly thing. that will be our last visit to the old apartment as our lease there expires tomorrow.
i love the new apartment. we get the birds, still, but also a much better view east, for sunrises, and my bedroom/office has a westerly window for sunsets as well. it'll be okay. it'll just take time to get it set up and functional. it's better than it was, i did make some progress today even if it's hard to tell.
my life is so good. josh is being so kind and calm. i will pull out of this, i can feel a softening around the sadness and anger and frustration. i can feel the goodness of my existence slowly seeping back into my skin.
the fasting was helpful. a forced calm. and not eating all day makes me very tired, so maybe i'll actually sleep, tonight.
did laundry. caught up on dishes.
will try to go to bed soon and get up early enough to henna my hair and shower and decide if i'm up for a day of skiing solo. might be just the thing to snap me out of this funk. but if i need to stay home and keep unpacking that's okay too, i could run later instead of skiing, less driving, no taking my life into my hands over the mountain.
tyler randomly texted me an albino jaguarundi cub video and i'm just perplexed. he did give me dates for clear lake finally.
josh says to use the boots i am thinking of buying as a reward for doing some work. he is using my own strategies to advise me - i've been talking about using rewards to hack my brain into being more productive and developing better habits. so i guess i better start scheduling again and stop hiding from the world. i unfortunately am in the "omicron is inescapable" camp, as much as i don't want to be a part of it, it's inevitable as far as i can tell. if andrea wants to hide from it that's fine but i'm not going to be able to do that, i don't think. can i tolerate another lock down in the dead of winter? doubtful.
took lunar for a very long walk, as it was finally a day when it was not freezing and we had a break in the rain. he got confused and went back to the old apartment and refused to leave, but once he realized i was headed back to our new place, he trotted back happily. silly thing. that will be our last visit to the old apartment as our lease there expires tomorrow.
i love the new apartment. we get the birds, still, but also a much better view east, for sunrises, and my bedroom/office has a westerly window for sunsets as well. it'll be okay. it'll just take time to get it set up and functional. it's better than it was, i did make some progress today even if it's hard to tell.
my life is so good. josh is being so kind and calm. i will pull out of this, i can feel a softening around the sadness and anger and frustration. i can feel the goodness of my existence slowly seeping back into my skin.
the fasting was helpful. a forced calm. and not eating all day makes me very tired, so maybe i'll actually sleep, tonight.