all shall fade.

I keep ending up at mom's memorial bench.

It's so unsettling, at times, to realize that there would be no memorial to her at all, if I hadn't purchased and created one, myself.

(I'm certain no one will do the same for me, but it doesn't matter. at all.)

Wore myself out biking. It's kind of self-destructive, the ferocity with which I push myself, physically.

I don't know how to process my trauma.

I realized today, totally out of nowhere, that the route I take up Rocky Butte takes me right directly past the house that I was sexually molested in the first time, when I was eight years old.

Why do I do that to myself?

I saw a post today about how traumatized children have memory gaps in their childhood. There is so much I don't remember. So much buried and hidden away.

If anyone ever wonders why I act so crazy.

I shouldn't be here at all.

To be disowned by my mom after losing my dad at such a young age, after losing my grandparents as an adolescent, the two who were still alive when I was around, anyway - it's not something I will ever heal from.

I'm so grateful to have landed somewhere soft, for now. It will always feel tenuous and temporary.



my dad always loved me fiercely. I am so grateful for that. He made me feel cherished, constantly. He never hurt me. (There was necessary discipline in the form of a stern voice and corrections, there was sometimes aggressive teasing, but never any insults.) I think he's the reason I can endure. His endless love.

Daily gratefuls

* had a cancellation today just as I was heading out the door, so my day is a lot lighter tomorrow work-wise and i'm actually happy about it - i want to work on learning the wednesday dance for halloween this year and to potentially teach it to my thrill the world thriller zombies

* josh interrupted this list to watch concerts - it's a cute thing he's been doing lately and it's nice to cuddle on the couch and bond over taylor or pretty lights or whatever it is

* meliora - omg this is life changing. they are these little cubes that i can put into my foaming handsoap dispenser with water, and they dissolve into really nice foaming hand soap, with a lovely texture, that works really well, and it's like a quarter of the price of even the bulk foaming soap refills AND no more wasteful plastic containers, it comes in a little paper box, no heavy liquid getting shipped around, they're tiny so easy to store, it's sooooo wonderful. and if you want scented? just like, 3 drops of whatever essential oil works great. amazeballs - almost as amazing as the plant-based compostable cling wrap, maybe more amazing even

* excited for a gentle next two days and saturday off before my sunday unicorn event at kyra's

* got a bunch of crap off my floor this morning finally, stuff put away and organized - it wasn't difficult, so glad i finally was able to find the executive function to tackle it

* natural sunscreen that nourishes my skin

* the new magnesium skin spray that cynthia gave me

* i will miss him but excited to get the apartment clean while Josh is in canada for the next four days. I got safety goggles to clean with since i'm terrified of getting bleach in my eye again (and the shower sadly needs actual bleach, it's gotten to the point where baking soda and vinegar won't cut it)

* everyone was smiling while i was out riding my bike, today. i was very moody and i was so grateful i actually teared up at one point. i know this is mostly because i have blue bunny ears on my (matching light blue) bike helmet, but still, little things sometimes feel like everything.

* took josh out for tacos for dinner tonight

* so much warm sunshine all day long every day, it feels infinite and i love it. summer is nourishing. it is admittedly too hot, unseasonably hot, with no breaks, no usual sprinkles of rain between or random cool days here and there like normal - we are all kind of quietly gently slow-roasting to death - but, we are okay, it feels nice, i am basking in it for as long as i am able

* science

* sunflowers

* i found my mineral glitter in the gold color that i misplaced - love it so - so shimmery!

* iced coffee

* warm coffee

* i get to see sylvan esso at edgefield in three weeks

* i get to see TKK at the crystal ballroom in two weeks

* i get to see finley next week

* i get to co camp and watch a meteor shower next weekend

* can wear my contacts again friday

* made really good food for josh today and i can have the leftovers for dinner tomorrow (sweet potato, red lentils with rosemary, and a spinach salad with shredded beets, carrot, purple cabbage, and chopped tomatoes and cucumber - I have tofu and rice paper if i want to turn this into salad rolls)

* banana chips

* raspberries

* figs

* blackberries everywhere

* fizzy mosaic hop water from hoplark

* cute animals on the internet

* sobriety (I passed my six month mark recently without even realizing it - I'm not technically all the way sober since i've delved into a new-to-me substance a handful of times, but no alcohol or weed or pharmaceuticals or anything "hard" at all - I am still hopelessly addicted to caffeine and to a certain extent social media, but i'm okay with that for now - i even quit running for a bit since my foot is still acting up, hence all the biking - and runner's high is especially pronounced, for me, so even that loss has been hard, mood-wise, but i'm somehow managing)

* the moon the moon the moon

* the cozy comfiness of my bed and nighttime meditations on my audible or oura app