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running on empty this wednesday
Aug. 23rd, 2023 05:46 pmhaving a super high cortisol day, lots of bad dreams and uncomfortable sleep. it's been a nice day, but busy and hard and I'm nervous about aerial flow tonight though I think it will be fun and it's good to try new scary things. saw family, whom i adore, but it's taxing in its way. too much driving. got groceries which are heavy and people are just everywhere. walking through this city is unpleasant much of the time.
should try to box up a couple orders. feeling a bit overwhelmed. finally got henna on my head, a week late. should have time to shower and get ready before aerial tonight. i think.
tomorrow is the sylvan esso concert, only sparkling three people in the late morning/early afternoon before the concert so i have time to get ready, got some snacks for the car since getting there and getting in and out of the parking lot is very time consuming. it'll be worth it. excited for josh to see edgefield, and to dance.
sparkling alllllllllllllll day friday and saturday and kinda erf. makes me tired to think about it.
gotta remember earplugs for the show.
it's going to be weird being in beer disneyland (our local nickname for any McMenamins establishment, of which Edgefield is one) and not drink beer. I'm past the 7 month mark now and kinda feel like there's no looking back at this point. i feel a bit freer today and yesterday, no cravings, remembering how much better certain things are, like my immune system and let's be honest, most friday, saturday, and sunday mornings. even when waves of grief and loss smack into me like falling boulders in the mornings when i'm cleaning the kitchen and brewing coffee sleepily, i don't break down into sobs like i used to. i weep but it's silent and brief.
annoyed at the subversive change in air quality readings on my weather apps. "good" used to be anything below 30 for pm2.5 (particulate matter). now it's anything under 50. my throat starts to noticeably hurt when it hits 40, it's at 45 today which used to be "moderate" or "unhealthy for sensitive groups" - it feels like being gaslit. I can see that the sky is not blue. if the sky is not blue, the air quality cannot be called "good."
i am tired of all the constant fires. this is a direct result of misuse of the land adn the earth and genocide of the natives who used to care for this land properly for thousands of years. this sucks.
had really beautiful nutritious food today, at least. desperate for treats but trying to not overeat. i'm not hungry, just got the munchies. might just do a scoop of yogurt and some cocoa nibs and berries and see how i feel. i've had so much fruit today. and oats, and nuts, and fish, and vegetables, and black rice, and sweet potatoes, all sooooo wonderful.
maybe something to drink instead. i dunno.
kinda want to save up and have hand-made whipped cream and chocolate after aerial tonight instead of eating more right now.
oh also i gotta love my stepbrother sooooooo much. he lives in a triplex and rents out the other two units, and was telling me about his new renter. he explained that he's a nice guy who wears dresses, and has a boyfriend who also wears dresses, and they get really high and he's pretty sure that the bf lives out of his car, so he was nervous at first that he'd gotten into something messy, but they're working out really well and he's happy with them now. it's just nice that he seems to have zero judgement about it. which is really good considering our nephew changed his name and is starting to explore wearing dresses, also. he could easily go down the same path of my brother, who has decided such things are 'unnatural in the eyes of the lord' or whatever tf, as they have similar upbringings, but he isn't and that makes me really happy. my step-brother jim is the only other atheist in my family and that has always given me a lot of comfort. when his mom died he embraced christianity for a bit but it didn't stick, I have no interest in taking away whatever people need to believe in to get by, but i was relieved to have him back, for sure.
should try to box up a couple orders. feeling a bit overwhelmed. finally got henna on my head, a week late. should have time to shower and get ready before aerial tonight. i think.
tomorrow is the sylvan esso concert, only sparkling three people in the late morning/early afternoon before the concert so i have time to get ready, got some snacks for the car since getting there and getting in and out of the parking lot is very time consuming. it'll be worth it. excited for josh to see edgefield, and to dance.
sparkling alllllllllllllll day friday and saturday and kinda erf. makes me tired to think about it.
gotta remember earplugs for the show.
it's going to be weird being in beer disneyland (our local nickname for any McMenamins establishment, of which Edgefield is one) and not drink beer. I'm past the 7 month mark now and kinda feel like there's no looking back at this point. i feel a bit freer today and yesterday, no cravings, remembering how much better certain things are, like my immune system and let's be honest, most friday, saturday, and sunday mornings. even when waves of grief and loss smack into me like falling boulders in the mornings when i'm cleaning the kitchen and brewing coffee sleepily, i don't break down into sobs like i used to. i weep but it's silent and brief.
annoyed at the subversive change in air quality readings on my weather apps. "good" used to be anything below 30 for pm2.5 (particulate matter). now it's anything under 50. my throat starts to noticeably hurt when it hits 40, it's at 45 today which used to be "moderate" or "unhealthy for sensitive groups" - it feels like being gaslit. I can see that the sky is not blue. if the sky is not blue, the air quality cannot be called "good."
i am tired of all the constant fires. this is a direct result of misuse of the land adn the earth and genocide of the natives who used to care for this land properly for thousands of years. this sucks.
had really beautiful nutritious food today, at least. desperate for treats but trying to not overeat. i'm not hungry, just got the munchies. might just do a scoop of yogurt and some cocoa nibs and berries and see how i feel. i've had so much fruit today. and oats, and nuts, and fish, and vegetables, and black rice, and sweet potatoes, all sooooo wonderful.
maybe something to drink instead. i dunno.
kinda want to save up and have hand-made whipped cream and chocolate after aerial tonight instead of eating more right now.
oh also i gotta love my stepbrother sooooooo much. he lives in a triplex and rents out the other two units, and was telling me about his new renter. he explained that he's a nice guy who wears dresses, and has a boyfriend who also wears dresses, and they get really high and he's pretty sure that the bf lives out of his car, so he was nervous at first that he'd gotten into something messy, but they're working out really well and he's happy with them now. it's just nice that he seems to have zero judgement about it. which is really good considering our nephew changed his name and is starting to explore wearing dresses, also. he could easily go down the same path of my brother, who has decided such things are 'unnatural in the eyes of the lord' or whatever tf, as they have similar upbringings, but he isn't and that makes me really happy. my step-brother jim is the only other atheist in my family and that has always given me a lot of comfort. when his mom died he embraced christianity for a bit but it didn't stick, I have no interest in taking away whatever people need to believe in to get by, but i was relieved to have him back, for sure.
