serafaery

bad mood all day all day. the fog this morning was so beautiful. it's solstice. the sunshine was so bright and the pale colors in the wintery skies have been so charming. climbing dog mt with tyler yesterday was perfection.

there are things i can blame the bad mood for. the bitterness and jealousy i feel for people who still have parents or grandparents or family, people whose dead family members leave them with houses or money or at least don't steal from them. i got less than nothing.

but i also have many blessings to counteract these sad circumstances in my life. and i am kind of too old to go around feeling jealous and bitter anymore. i am wounded and i limp along, making the best of it.

i got some horrified reactions from tyler and cynthia when they learned that because i come from poverty, no, i have zero idea how to shop for bedding and am intensely intimidated by the idea, have zero idea how to shop for such a thing or where to start. i have a $50 set of organic cotton sheets that i got as a wedding present, and a comforter i found at fred meyer in 2004 that was the cheapest they had, yes it's probably polyester. i don't know any brands or any stores or what bedding is supposed to look or feel like, i felt like the comforter was a huge fancy expense at the time. cyntia and tyler are both like, "oh god no we have to fix this" and i am begging them to explain to me how and where to start. i hate that i'm almost 50 and don't know how to do basic life things like this. there are gaps like this everywhere in my existence. it's humiliating and i've taken such a massive hit to my confidence this week, with the fight with my brother and everything. i feel incapable of basic human function. i feel like i'm completely unraveling and drowning in overwhelm and inability to cope with anything.

i hate the holidays.

i love the music. and the lights. and the meals, and the friendship. trying so hard to focus on that.

one lovely thing. on the drive home from dog, with tyler. "Do you like christmas music?"

tyler: "yes."

!!!

we listened to the vince geraldi trio charlie brown xmas album all the way home. "this is a nice one," he murmured in soft approval.

sometimes i love him more than life.

he and josh took turns playing piano until late into the evening. i fell asleep to the sound of them. there is little more comforting to me, since i grew up with mom playing and teaching piano (not to me, i never learned - but i love to listen).

sad that my last living blood relative is emotionally abusive and i don't think i can celebrate xmas with him this year. thought about it all day, today. the thought of reaching out to him to attempt to repair the new rift he tore in our relationship turns my stomach into sick knots. the thought of spending xmas not seeing him at all turns my stomach into thick nauseated goo. there is no winning. as usual, with my brother.

want to shake it all off on the dance floor tonight but my dj is in poor health and it's a pretty scary health concern actually. i need him to be okay. he isn't.

josh is being gentle and kind but i just want to be alone.

finley is being frisky and sexy and friendly which just makes it harder. i love him to the moon and back, but i have to stay within the boundaries josh has set forth and when finley is extra flirty parts of me crack inside from the pressure of my desire for him.

stress-ate all day today, i was doing so well. sigh. work was hard. people traveling excessively for visits with countless family members is hard to hear about, for me. but people are kind and supportive and give me gifts, i got some loose-leaf tea, today.

i really have nothing to complain about, nothing. my life is delightful. despite the myriad unimaginable horrors. there is so much brightness and love. i love my work and my friends and my marriage and my little tree and yule swag on the doors and table and baking pies and cookies.

i just feel awful.

a nap and some mushrooms maybe.

i can't always feel good, i guess.