winter solstice
Dec. 21st, 2023 04:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaerybad mood all day all day. the fog this morning was so beautiful. it's solstice. the sunshine was so bright and the pale colors in the wintery skies have been so charming. climbing dog mt with tyler yesterday was perfection.
there are things i can blame the bad mood for. the bitterness and jealousy i feel for people who still have parents or grandparents or family, people whose dead family members leave them with houses or money or at least don't steal from them. i got less than nothing.
but i also have many blessings to counteract these sad circumstances in my life. and i am kind of too old to go around feeling jealous and bitter anymore. i am wounded and i limp along, making the best of it.
i got some horrified reactions from tyler and cynthia when they learned that because i come from poverty, no, i have zero idea how to shop for bedding and am intensely intimidated by the idea, have zero idea how to shop for such a thing or where to start. i have a $50 set of organic cotton sheets that i got as a wedding present, and a comforter i found at fred meyer in 2004 that was the cheapest they had, yes it's probably polyester. i don't know any brands or any stores or what bedding is supposed to look or feel like, i felt like the comforter was a huge fancy expense at the time. cyntia and tyler are both like, "oh god no we have to fix this" and i am begging them to explain to me how and where to start. i hate that i'm almost 50 and don't know how to do basic life things like this. there are gaps like this everywhere in my existence. it's humiliating and i've taken such a massive hit to my confidence this week, with the fight with my brother and everything. i feel incapable of basic human function. i feel like i'm completely unraveling and drowning in overwhelm and inability to cope with anything.
i hate the holidays.
i love the music. and the lights. and the meals, and the friendship. trying so hard to focus on that.
one lovely thing. on the drive home from dog, with tyler. "Do you like christmas music?"
tyler: "yes."
!!!
we listened to the vince geraldi trio charlie brown xmas album all the way home. "this is a nice one," he murmured in soft approval.
sometimes i love him more than life.
he and josh took turns playing piano until late into the evening. i fell asleep to the sound of them. there is little more comforting to me, since i grew up with mom playing and teaching piano (not to me, i never learned - but i love to listen).
sad that my last living blood relative is emotionally abusive and i don't think i can celebrate xmas with him this year. thought about it all day, today. the thought of reaching out to him to attempt to repair the new rift he tore in our relationship turns my stomach into sick knots. the thought of spending xmas not seeing him at all turns my stomach into thick nauseated goo. there is no winning. as usual, with my brother.
want to shake it all off on the dance floor tonight but my dj is in poor health and it's a pretty scary health concern actually. i need him to be okay. he isn't.
josh is being gentle and kind but i just want to be alone.
finley is being frisky and sexy and friendly which just makes it harder. i love him to the moon and back, but i have to stay within the boundaries josh has set forth and when finley is extra flirty parts of me crack inside from the pressure of my desire for him.
stress-ate all day today, i was doing so well. sigh. work was hard. people traveling excessively for visits with countless family members is hard to hear about, for me. but people are kind and supportive and give me gifts, i got some loose-leaf tea, today.
i really have nothing to complain about, nothing. my life is delightful. despite the myriad unimaginable horrors. there is so much brightness and love. i love my work and my friends and my marriage and my little tree and yule swag on the doors and table and baking pies and cookies.
i just feel awful.
a nap and some mushrooms maybe.
i can't always feel good, i guess.
didn't get a single xmas card out. my poor lil drama llamas. maybe they can be new years cards i dunno. i feel terrible about it.
there are things i can blame the bad mood for. the bitterness and jealousy i feel for people who still have parents or grandparents or family, people whose dead family members leave them with houses or money or at least don't steal from them. i got less than nothing.
but i also have many blessings to counteract these sad circumstances in my life. and i am kind of too old to go around feeling jealous and bitter anymore. i am wounded and i limp along, making the best of it.
i got some horrified reactions from tyler and cynthia when they learned that because i come from poverty, no, i have zero idea how to shop for bedding and am intensely intimidated by the idea, have zero idea how to shop for such a thing or where to start. i have a $50 set of organic cotton sheets that i got as a wedding present, and a comforter i found at fred meyer in 2004 that was the cheapest they had, yes it's probably polyester. i don't know any brands or any stores or what bedding is supposed to look or feel like, i felt like the comforter was a huge fancy expense at the time. cyntia and tyler are both like, "oh god no we have to fix this" and i am begging them to explain to me how and where to start. i hate that i'm almost 50 and don't know how to do basic life things like this. there are gaps like this everywhere in my existence. it's humiliating and i've taken such a massive hit to my confidence this week, with the fight with my brother and everything. i feel incapable of basic human function. i feel like i'm completely unraveling and drowning in overwhelm and inability to cope with anything.
i hate the holidays.
i love the music. and the lights. and the meals, and the friendship. trying so hard to focus on that.
one lovely thing. on the drive home from dog, with tyler. "Do you like christmas music?"
tyler: "yes."
!!!
we listened to the vince geraldi trio charlie brown xmas album all the way home. "this is a nice one," he murmured in soft approval.
sometimes i love him more than life.
he and josh took turns playing piano until late into the evening. i fell asleep to the sound of them. there is little more comforting to me, since i grew up with mom playing and teaching piano (not to me, i never learned - but i love to listen).
sad that my last living blood relative is emotionally abusive and i don't think i can celebrate xmas with him this year. thought about it all day, today. the thought of reaching out to him to attempt to repair the new rift he tore in our relationship turns my stomach into sick knots. the thought of spending xmas not seeing him at all turns my stomach into thick nauseated goo. there is no winning. as usual, with my brother.
want to shake it all off on the dance floor tonight but my dj is in poor health and it's a pretty scary health concern actually. i need him to be okay. he isn't.
josh is being gentle and kind but i just want to be alone.
finley is being frisky and sexy and friendly which just makes it harder. i love him to the moon and back, but i have to stay within the boundaries josh has set forth and when finley is extra flirty parts of me crack inside from the pressure of my desire for him.
stress-ate all day today, i was doing so well. sigh. work was hard. people traveling excessively for visits with countless family members is hard to hear about, for me. but people are kind and supportive and give me gifts, i got some loose-leaf tea, today.
i really have nothing to complain about, nothing. my life is delightful. despite the myriad unimaginable horrors. there is so much brightness and love. i love my work and my friends and my marriage and my little tree and yule swag on the doors and table and baking pies and cookies.
i just feel awful.
a nap and some mushrooms maybe.
i can't always feel good, i guess.
didn't get a single xmas card out. my poor lil drama llamas. maybe they can be new years cards i dunno. i feel terrible about it.
no subject
Date: 2023-12-22 03:31 am (UTC)But I notice it with my niece and nephew. Before my niece was born my nephew would ask on christmas and his birthday, a sometimes still does "what did you bring me?" Like he's some person or god we must give offerings too.
My Niece does it too, but she enjoys the party. She especially loves to blow out candles with people. She loves the party.
But when taking pictures I can see my nephew's side eye at his pile of gifts.
The one year I didn't have the budget for presents, my sister told me as I was leaving that she would prefer that I bring something for the kids, if I was coming and I realized, that this is a pattern in our family, that I didn't want to participate in. So I do bring gifts, but it is usually money or something I know that they will use.
I prefer to spend time with people I care about, gifts are always welcome and I enjoy them, but it's the peeps I enjoy personally. And the hugs. Need more hugs.
In Germany we did St. Nick's Day.
no subject
Date: 2023-12-22 05:26 pm (UTC)I want to try making some peppermint bark, this year. It's kind of silly, just melting one type of chocolate bar and candy into another type of chocolate bar and candy, but, maybe it'll be fun.
I'd love to hear more about St Nick's Day! Did you spend your childhood in Germany?
no subject
Date: 2023-12-23 03:06 am (UTC)Essentially I left my stocking or a pair of shoes outside my door and I woke up the something neat or a gift. My father was in the Army for 20 yrs, and we spent 2.5 yrs in both Holland and Germany respectively.
While growing up in Holland I spoke in mixed Dutch and English.