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drizzly tuesday.
May. 21st, 2024 10:24 pmhad a gentle chilly rainy day. therapy was nice. in the thick of some heavy trauma processing and it's just going to take time. my therapist is pretty empathic and wishes he could take away the hurt, but i just kinda have to sit in it and it just kinda sucks for us.
i'm still comfort eating but i'm working on some ideas around releasing this layer of protection i'm sort of putting over myself that doesn't belong there and isn't helping anything. this sort of false filler. i can find comfort and joy other ways. i know i can. i've done it before. the year-ago videos with a svelte version of me is inspiring, i know that's my more natural state and where my body wants to be. right now when i fold over to tie my shoes the pressure of my belly is painful, that is not how i normally feel and deep down i know it's temporary and not who i really am. i'll get there. i'm a bit sad that i have to go to vampire ball slightly chubby this year (it's this Saturday), but i'll still have fun. because despite my body being a bit bloated at the moment, i'm still pretty healthy and in a better place in other ways. i feel a bit more supported and comfortable with my goth friends and with my sobriety. i'll do some killer facepaint and hopefully the softness in my belly won't detract from my glamour too much. i'm still strong and happy and sensual and i still can dance.
still struggling with basic self-care but i have more hope than i did before, and i have a better plan to slim back down to my normal size. involving a shorter eating window and less trail mix, lol.
tomorrow i have a lot to catch up on, housework and cooking, trying on vampire outfits and prepping for work over the next four days, but i think i can do it. hoping my shoulders might let me do silks in the morning, and maybe i could even go for a gentle run?
really struggling to find care for my foot, this is driving me crazy. it's so confusing trying to figure out where to go and who to see and what i might need referrals for and can i just get help with my foot, please? i've seen three wrong people and now people are telling me i don't need a physical therapist or a podiatrist, i need and orthopedist who specializes in feet? there are so many "foot doctors" who run the gamut from naturopaths to chiropractors to physical therapists to name your other classification - most of them are treating acute injuries or skin conditions though, not chronic pain from an athletic pursuit - and all the places that claim specialization for runners? are booked two months out. I don't want to be seen in July and i don't want to give them my credit card for five appointments scheduled from July-September, this is ridiculous. And this is for out of pocket stuff - god forbid i actually try to get insurance involved - I've totally given up trying at this point. which, i mean, what is even the point of having it. sigh. these offices are like, oh yeah, we can send you invoices with the insurance codes that you can submit to your insurance company for reimbursement. i have literally never had a submission of this type get reimbursed. josh tried once and they went back and forth for months saying he was sending the wrong form with the wrong codes from the wrong kind of doctor to the wrong office or whatever, every time it was some new excuse, total run-around, it's such a scam. whenever i have tried, the form just disappears into the ether, never to be heard from again, they just claim they never received it, and have no idea what i'm talking about.
anyway enough ranting, should listen to my little weight shedding meditation and try to get some sleep.
Avalanche did really well at the vet, today. i declined medications, she is not in enough distress for anti-virals and it is not a bacterial infection as far as we can tell. so i will just try warm wet cotton pad cleaning each morning, and moistening her tear stains with a tiny bit of coconut oil, to see if that helps reduce the irritation.
poor bb.
i won a little cat basket at the green dog raffle. it was for a good cause, and we got nice treats. including her favorite canned food and a refill of her favorite feather toy.
i love Mink River so much, already, i'm only 30 pages in. I just hope it doesn't become like Calvino where I love the first half and then the second half makes me want to throw the book in the trash. Fiction is tricky like that sometimes.
rock climbed tonight for the first time since maybe september. it did not hurt my foot or back. derrick came and was super stoked, he breezed through his belay test. cynthia was in seattle so sad she couldn't join but is excited for future climbing nights together. me too. it was really fun. i got to do a fun circus move on a 5.10 in a corner. i want to try to get that move a little more dialed.
tired tired. should take my ashwaganda nighttime thingie.
i'm still comfort eating but i'm working on some ideas around releasing this layer of protection i'm sort of putting over myself that doesn't belong there and isn't helping anything. this sort of false filler. i can find comfort and joy other ways. i know i can. i've done it before. the year-ago videos with a svelte version of me is inspiring, i know that's my more natural state and where my body wants to be. right now when i fold over to tie my shoes the pressure of my belly is painful, that is not how i normally feel and deep down i know it's temporary and not who i really am. i'll get there. i'm a bit sad that i have to go to vampire ball slightly chubby this year (it's this Saturday), but i'll still have fun. because despite my body being a bit bloated at the moment, i'm still pretty healthy and in a better place in other ways. i feel a bit more supported and comfortable with my goth friends and with my sobriety. i'll do some killer facepaint and hopefully the softness in my belly won't detract from my glamour too much. i'm still strong and happy and sensual and i still can dance.
still struggling with basic self-care but i have more hope than i did before, and i have a better plan to slim back down to my normal size. involving a shorter eating window and less trail mix, lol.
tomorrow i have a lot to catch up on, housework and cooking, trying on vampire outfits and prepping for work over the next four days, but i think i can do it. hoping my shoulders might let me do silks in the morning, and maybe i could even go for a gentle run?
really struggling to find care for my foot, this is driving me crazy. it's so confusing trying to figure out where to go and who to see and what i might need referrals for and can i just get help with my foot, please? i've seen three wrong people and now people are telling me i don't need a physical therapist or a podiatrist, i need and orthopedist who specializes in feet? there are so many "foot doctors" who run the gamut from naturopaths to chiropractors to physical therapists to name your other classification - most of them are treating acute injuries or skin conditions though, not chronic pain from an athletic pursuit - and all the places that claim specialization for runners? are booked two months out. I don't want to be seen in July and i don't want to give them my credit card for five appointments scheduled from July-September, this is ridiculous. And this is for out of pocket stuff - god forbid i actually try to get insurance involved - I've totally given up trying at this point. which, i mean, what is even the point of having it. sigh. these offices are like, oh yeah, we can send you invoices with the insurance codes that you can submit to your insurance company for reimbursement. i have literally never had a submission of this type get reimbursed. josh tried once and they went back and forth for months saying he was sending the wrong form with the wrong codes from the wrong kind of doctor to the wrong office or whatever, every time it was some new excuse, total run-around, it's such a scam. whenever i have tried, the form just disappears into the ether, never to be heard from again, they just claim they never received it, and have no idea what i'm talking about.
anyway enough ranting, should listen to my little weight shedding meditation and try to get some sleep.
Avalanche did really well at the vet, today. i declined medications, she is not in enough distress for anti-virals and it is not a bacterial infection as far as we can tell. so i will just try warm wet cotton pad cleaning each morning, and moistening her tear stains with a tiny bit of coconut oil, to see if that helps reduce the irritation.
poor bb.
i won a little cat basket at the green dog raffle. it was for a good cause, and we got nice treats. including her favorite canned food and a refill of her favorite feather toy.
i love Mink River so much, already, i'm only 30 pages in. I just hope it doesn't become like Calvino where I love the first half and then the second half makes me want to throw the book in the trash. Fiction is tricky like that sometimes.
rock climbed tonight for the first time since maybe september. it did not hurt my foot or back. derrick came and was super stoked, he breezed through his belay test. cynthia was in seattle so sad she couldn't join but is excited for future climbing nights together. me too. it was really fun. i got to do a fun circus move on a 5.10 in a corner. i want to try to get that move a little more dialed.
tired tired. should take my ashwaganda nighttime thingie.
