is sobriety worth it?

silks got canceled today and the soaking pool is closed for renovations, so, i'm gunna go walk to the neighborhood one that i don't like as much and see if i can soak there.

got all my work done for the day.

been in excessive emotional distress for days. everything is so upsetting and i can't figure out why or how to exist.

but.

there is coffee. and i might try to see my friend margaret later, she's very different from me and definitely smarter, i want to reconnect with her.

there was a moment during PT this morning where Mark did a bunch of mysterious micro wiggling movements to my toe, it's so funny to watch someone pay so much attention to that little joint, and then he did the thing that always hurts and it didn't hurt, and I was so shocked at the sudden total lack of pain that i got a knot in my throat, like, maybe there's actually a chance that i could fully or at least mostly, heal?

my foot hurts a lot today in general, when he's not doing his magical wiggling. but i let myself have a fraction of a second of hope, this morning, and it felt really good.

i feel like i have nothing substantial to look forward to when i can't do wildflower hikes, or run, or bike, or rock climb, or dance the way i want to. i can still do silks thank goodness, i'll go tomorrow. but, they don't call it cycling high or swimmer's high, there is nothing that can take the place of the endorphins i got from running. being totally sober without running really effing sux.

i am tolerating my progesterone so far, it's only been three days but crossing my fingers that maybe hrt might actually be in my future. i know one of the symptoms of perimenopause is low mood, so that might be a source of quite a bit of my distress.

i get to see my therapist tomorrow. i realized that he and finley have really similar eyes/gazes. finley was so good at listening to me, last week, he is so sweet and i am so grateful for him. that is definitely one other thing we can really look forward to.

josh and i settled in together on the couch and i made us rosemary popcorn and we watched LA Story because he adores it. we're both crippled so movie night seemed like the best idea, last night. it was really nice. Avalanche even joined us. we're doing really well, we're happy and grateful for one another. i think his back injury made him realize even more how lucky we are to have each other, and how useful it is to have a partner to lean on when we are struggling.

i feel like not using any drugs/drink/substances is some sort of mild self-torture. is this cruel and unusual punishment, or is it actually healthy? i genuinely wonder, many many many times a day.

but for now i'm still not using.