heartache and pumpkin pie.

trying to get myself out the door to get some outside time and exercise, it'll be really good for my mood.

baked a beautiful pumpkin pie, this one is on the medicinal side, no inflammatory ingredients, aside from a couple tablespoons of honey for the entire thing, so very low sugar content for a very large pie made from 1.5 roasted buttercup and sunshine kabocha pumpkins. Those sunshines are the sweetest they've ever been, this year, for some reason.

also got the bone broth done and the kitchen cleaned, aside from the floors, which can wait. They're all leafy lol.

The thing that is hurting my heart the most right now - this constant struggle for genuine connection with friends. I cannot help but think, as I struggle to reach out and connect with those I care about, and they continually blow me off - that while everyone thinks they are protected by their family and spouses, there might come a day when things get really hard, and they might be really sad that they didn't let your friends love them before they suddenly needed help with something.

(I am witnessing a friend go through this, who has isolated and made it very hard to stay connected to her, now she is suddenly begging for money for unexpected cat vet expenses. Maybe be here for us, if you are going to need us to be there for you. But she is young yet, she still has time to figure it out. Unlike my friends who are all in their 40s and getting harder to stay in touch with every day. Yes, your parents will die and leave you with a house and a retirement bundle, but you might still get sick, you still might need able bodied, loving, helping hands, you might get lonely, one day.)

I keep wondering if relocating is my answer. Maybe there are places where people understand that friendship is just as important as family, sometimes moreso.

slow hands sunday

feeling so much better after a looooong bike ride, and several slices of freshly baked pumpkin pie from scratch. local organic farmed pumpkins even. oat flour crust. local honey, it only needed a tiny bit, the pumpkins are so sweet.

was sobbing on the ride up to rocky butte, the first hour I was really distraught and sad. But by the time I got to the top of the mountain, my head was starting to clear and my tears were starting to dry.

It's just hard. I miss my dad. I for some reason kept thinking about our last hug. He didn't want to let go. He knew. I did not know, at the time. I was such a young, lost, confused, hurt creature back then, I didn't know how to handle the fact that he was dying. I still don't. It's not something I'll ever recover from.

Same with mom's death, but it was ten times worse.

Same with grandma and grandma, with Madoc and Kara, with Delores and Dave, with so many others.

( godlessness. )

There was so much astonishing magic, witnessed on my bike ride, today. The colors of the leaves are indescribable. I was awestruck countless times. I didn't even try to take photos. Big grins from the miraculous beauty of it all. The fact that it wasn't raining, and the temps are mild today (mid 50s), little wind, so gentle. Such a rare dry November day, so precious. I'm not angry anymore when I see dogs, that feels much nicer. And of course any leftover Halloween decor gives me such raised spirits. Random skeletons and pumpkins and spiders and bats hanging out on porches, yes please thank you. Witches and ghosts and tombstones, yaaaaay.

Crows from various neighborhoods I've lived followed me and flew along next to me on my bike, until I stopped and tossed them treats.

Found a random pair of huge amanita muscaria mushroom - fly agaric, the "alice in wonderland" red mushrooms with white spots, at the base of a random sidestrip tree. what are they doing there? There are more coming. So random, so pretty.

I put Interpol on my phone for the ride, it was so comforting, I haven't listened to them in at least a decade, maybe two, it just hit the exact right place emotionally. Alt rock is not usually my favorite but they have an emotional quality that hits just right, at least right now, in this soft overcast late autumn world.

...

( issues with boys. )

The endless struggle, to find people who will bother to make any room at all for me in their lives.

...

Going to go make some healthy, nourishing food for myself, now that I'm finally hungry. Fed Josh more protein pasta and veggies, time for some protein for me.

...

Need to try to make it to the store later. We are out of several essentials. I am so grateful for the day off, the gentle slow restorative pace of it. (I offered to sparkle today but nobody took me up on it, I am so glad!) I might beat this cold, it is scratching at my throat a little, but so far that's all.

...

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Yeah but nobody searches
Nobody cares somehow
When the loving that you've wasted
Comes raining from a hapless cloud
And I might stop and look upon your face
Disappear in the sweet, sweet gaze
See the living that surrounds me (yesterday)
Dissipate in a violet place

Can't you see what you've done to my heart
And soul?
This is a wasteland now

Maru

Maru goin' for walkies. This makes me happy. His harness is similar to Avalanche's, but hers is purple. He is 17! What a good boy. It is hard to see aging in magical animals, and as much as I love older cats, this breed I think might age a little bit more painfully than others, his joints look a little stiff, so now I am a little bit worried about Avalanche. I will keep exercising her diligently. She ran around a lot today. Good thing she's crazy about her toys. We also played under the blanket. She's at my feet. Such a sweetheart.

Watch on YouTube