Time to vote.

Interpol is not exactly touring, but there are some shows for the Antics album 20th Anniversary this year, including one in Los Angeles on Nov 24th. I wish I could go. It's their only west coast date, they are British so they're mostly in the UK and east coast.

I will need to be working that weekend, and I don't like big stadium shows anyway. If it were closer to Thanksgiving I might be tempted to use it as an excuse to get out of gathering with the step-fam. But I might just bow out gracefully this year anyway. Somehow. We'll see.

I'm so sad that the Santa Monica pier is replacing the flying trapeze and circus school with a ropes course. It just occurred to me, we have a ropes course at the coast here, and I've literally never seen a single person use it. Just a massive waste of space. And rope. They are making a huge mistake. Like how Lloyd Center turned our ice rink into a tiny pond and then the entire mall collapsed.

I am stalling around attacking my ballot. Need to do that, now.

It's painful that these are so spot-on.

Weird mannerisms adult children of narcissistic/alchoholic parents have:

1. Apology reflex
2. Avoidance of eye contact in arguments
3. Selective mutism in groups
4. Over explanation of simple decisions
5. Being the fixer all the time
6. Setting boundaries too late or not at all
7. Getting easily reactive
8. Feeling small or inflated (as a way to cope with erratic criticisms or affirmations from their parents)
9. Never operating from their true self

I realize looking back that my parents thought I was stupid, or rather, they kept me purposely in the dark so that I would not catch on to normal basic things that other children were normally educated about, but would also shower me with compliments about being "so bright" - I think as a way to make their lies more likely to be believed, in that, if I thought I was "smart" then I would go along thinking I was right about things when I was actually being gullible and easily misled. Just how they wanted me. Easily influenced and controlled. Who cares if this puts me in danger or renders me unable to keep myself safe and informed about important things that I actually need to know in order to function properly and navigate safely in the world.

illness and loneliness.

Voted. That was stressful. Sooooo many down-ballot candidates for so many random things. So many oddly worded measures. It took hours.

I am not looking forward to the next few days, politically. Can only cross my fingers that perhaps I'll be pleasantly surprised. Or, looking into moving to Squamish, heh.

Avalanche is on the moon. Willow's old spot. I'll play with her and feed her in a bit. I miss Darwin.

Cooked soooooooo much food, mostly for Josh. Steaks, a pot of chili, veggies, all the things.

Did not get to my mushrooms, my sickly body requested fennel instead. Maybe mushrooms tomorrow. And the last of the bone broth, perhps.

Spent an hour outside in the chilly sunshine, writing from grandma's book. In this section, she went on and on about both her father and her uncle, Albert. It is soooooo sweet. I never had an uncle. It sounds like such a delightful experience. He married but did not have any children. Seems a lot of her family didn't. It makes me feel less alone.

I wish I weren't sick. I want to do silks tomorrow. Will see how I feel in the morning. Unlike Josh, I prefer to avoid exposing others to my illness, even if I would rather be at the gym. Rest and being cooped up at home is boring, but it is also more considerate and kind to the world at large. Maybe the world doesn't always deserve my kindness, though. Maybe not all the time. Maybe I can put myself first once in a while. I don't know. I stayed outside at the coffee shop, writing at a picnic table until my back started to hurt from the odd angle. Maybe I can write more tomorrow, if I'm still sick. Wednesday looks promising for a hike. Maybe a slow, gentle one.