Victoria.

I don't understand the messed up algorithm that caused youtube to pitch this video to me, and what messed up part of me decided to watch it, but it ended up being so gripping and somehow incredibly comforting. Not recommending watching, especially if one has any sexual abuse trauma, but, I guess the thing about it is.... this is sooooooo much worse than anything I experienced, but there are a few creepy parallels - I also have childhood memory gaps and pedophilia experiences that involve blurry scary moments of pain and not much else, but my mom also did day care, and was a beacon in her community, and refused to talk about whatever happened to her to make her the way she was toward me, and it's *nothing* like what this girl describes but there are emotional and financial elements that overlap and I just... I guess it's comforting because my heart wants to hold hers, and I feel like, maybe that means there could also be a part of myself that is redeemable and loveable, despite how much shame I feel so much of the time. Anyway.

Watch on YouTube

for to are become cookies

late night cookie craving = currently warming butter in the toaster oven for to become chocolate chip cookies, haha.

I've probably gained 8lbs since New Year's Day sitting around eating comfort food and drinking unsweetened cranberry juice and processing childhood trauma while taking antibiotics for an infection that make me feel nauseated if I don't eat carbs, wheeeeeeeee.

The pan fried tofu for the miso last night was totally worth it though, omg yummers.

pretty lights

Was just driving home a circuitous route after buying cat food for avalanche and medicine for me, to catch a few xmas lights displays on homes nearby that i missed this year. so pretty. i am jealous of the wealth on display being such grand houses, when i can't afford even a humble little house, but grateful for the prettiness of the light show they work hard to produce for their neighbors.

i know jealousy and ruminating on past horrors is not a good look. i will get over it. illness does this to me. my body is in pain, it makes my brain go back to hardcore survival mode and all my deep childhood trauma-wiring engages and takes over the wheel. it's frustrating. but it only happens this badly when i am in a lot of distress. it will resolve when i'm off antibiotics and my health improves.

took a nice bike ride in the chilled winter sunshine today. took a half hour walk afterward to finish the sunset with the crows. the walking was painful, but the bike ride was pleasant. i don't know why i always end up at mom's memorial bench. to remind myself of how alone i am? i mean really. why.

i guess i miss her. i miss the good things. i miss the moments when i felt cared for, i miss lots of things about her that will never exist again. despite all her struggles and difficulties and mental illness and substance abuse. she was also endlessly delightful, in so many ways.

Yaaaaaaaay cookies are done. oops they all melted together in the oven. not enough flour maybe. last time the opposite problem happened, they all stayed too lumpy. ha. s'what i get for not really measuring.