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just basic life fails/venting
Mar. 4th, 2025 09:06 amfeeling very dysregulated this morning, heart is racing, not able to think clearly or function well.
I spent about three hours on the phone yesterday trying to find a new doctor. One legacy clinic I found way out an hour's drive away had doctors available, but the first available appts were in August. Everyone else in the list of numbers sent by my insurance company were not accepting new patients. Calling and getting rejected over and over and over was really difficult.
I had a really bad appointment at the foot and ankle clinic. First, the convenience store a block away was surrounded in yellow tape and countless police cars and cops and loitering neighbors. Obviously a shooting. That neighborhood is notorious for shootings and the park next to that store has the highest number of homicides in the city. This is the closest office to us but that was tough to have to walk near. It makes me rethink basically all my life choices.
Basically the doctor showed me all the gnarly bone spurs in my foot, there are multiple ones and much worse than I thought, no wonder I am in so much pain, and basically he said wear orthotics so your toe doesn't bend and change your gate so you're always flat-footed - and he mimicked this awful shuffling gate explaining that if I ever want to run I have to do it this way.
It just seems so unfair. There are people running marathons in their 70s. They don't have arthritis. What is causing my cartilage to be eaten away and how do I stop it? It can't just be age, I am only 49. It feels like I am dying and my life is ending and it's just so awful. I had visions of staying of active and hiking my little mountains for the rest of my life. Now what do I do? I am completely devastated. I am told I am just crippled and have to deal. I have been told this three times now. This sucks so much.
I have a BMI of 19. I am lean, I am active.
I eat a whole foods plant-based diet and avoid processed food, and eat mostly fruit and vegetables and lean protein and complex carbs like sweet potatoes.
I have a low-stress job that I love.
I don't drink or do any drugs.
I spent as much time as I can outdoors.
I am doing everything right.
And this is what I get?
(Meanwhile, my brother is obese and has heart disease and pre-diabetes, and gets hospitalized for minor heart failure episodes, is sedentary, addicted to cigarettes and television and high processed carbs and sugar, but at age 60, has no signs of arthritis whatsoever.)
I have an appt with a primary care physician in OCTOBER, that is the soonest I could get in.
If she doesn't cancel on me before it happens.
I might call Legacy again later and see if the lady who had openings in August can still see me - it seemed too far away when I called yesterday but two months earlier might be worth the hour drive?
I am not sure what to do. There are functional medicine natropaths available, I guess, but insurance doesn't cover that. I asked Josh if I could schedule with one of them and he said, "I guess" in a really downcast angry tone. So now I feel like I can't.
I also have no idea where to start in terms of choosing one, just pick a random office nearby and hope for the best?
I just need to stop making phone calls for a while. I need to cook Josh lunch and head out to silks, I only have 20 minutes to do both and I'm not dressed yet.
At least I just got to see Shadow come and bring a stick to the nest and give Jackie a chance to stretch and go hunt while he incubates. I saw two little bobble-headed baby eaglets when they traded places. Soooooooo sweet.
...
ETA: I accidentally left this video stream up and running on my laptop and when I came home I got to see another glimpse of a baybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeee eaglets! so cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute! Looks like mama got a beeeeg feeeeesh today
...
ETA again: Josh got his scan results, he has a 4cm grastroc tear and a blood clot in a vein (!) which means he should not fly (!!!) so he just canceled his business trip he was supposed to go to in the morning (!!!!!!) UUUGGGHHHH so scary. His mom is freaking out and wants him to go to the ER, but he is going to urgent care later tonight, even though probably all they can do is give him blood thinners? Ugh so messed up. I'm really glad the flight to J Tree did not hurt him (or worse) - so terrifying.
Also, I saw baybeeeee eaglets agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I spent about three hours on the phone yesterday trying to find a new doctor. One legacy clinic I found way out an hour's drive away had doctors available, but the first available appts were in August. Everyone else in the list of numbers sent by my insurance company were not accepting new patients. Calling and getting rejected over and over and over was really difficult.
I had a really bad appointment at the foot and ankle clinic. First, the convenience store a block away was surrounded in yellow tape and countless police cars and cops and loitering neighbors. Obviously a shooting. That neighborhood is notorious for shootings and the park next to that store has the highest number of homicides in the city. This is the closest office to us but that was tough to have to walk near. It makes me rethink basically all my life choices.
Basically the doctor showed me all the gnarly bone spurs in my foot, there are multiple ones and much worse than I thought, no wonder I am in so much pain, and basically he said wear orthotics so your toe doesn't bend and change your gate so you're always flat-footed - and he mimicked this awful shuffling gate explaining that if I ever want to run I have to do it this way.
It just seems so unfair. There are people running marathons in their 70s. They don't have arthritis. What is causing my cartilage to be eaten away and how do I stop it? It can't just be age, I am only 49. It feels like I am dying and my life is ending and it's just so awful. I had visions of staying of active and hiking my little mountains for the rest of my life. Now what do I do? I am completely devastated. I am told I am just crippled and have to deal. I have been told this three times now. This sucks so much.
I have a BMI of 19. I am lean, I am active.
I eat a whole foods plant-based diet and avoid processed food, and eat mostly fruit and vegetables and lean protein and complex carbs like sweet potatoes.
I have a low-stress job that I love.
I don't drink or do any drugs.
I spent as much time as I can outdoors.
I am doing everything right.
And this is what I get?
(Meanwhile, my brother is obese and has heart disease and pre-diabetes, and gets hospitalized for minor heart failure episodes, is sedentary, addicted to cigarettes and television and high processed carbs and sugar, but at age 60, has no signs of arthritis whatsoever.)
I have an appt with a primary care physician in OCTOBER, that is the soonest I could get in.
If she doesn't cancel on me before it happens.
I might call Legacy again later and see if the lady who had openings in August can still see me - it seemed too far away when I called yesterday but two months earlier might be worth the hour drive?
I am not sure what to do. There are functional medicine natropaths available, I guess, but insurance doesn't cover that. I asked Josh if I could schedule with one of them and he said, "I guess" in a really downcast angry tone. So now I feel like I can't.
I also have no idea where to start in terms of choosing one, just pick a random office nearby and hope for the best?
I just need to stop making phone calls for a while. I need to cook Josh lunch and head out to silks, I only have 20 minutes to do both and I'm not dressed yet.
At least I just got to see Shadow come and bring a stick to the nest and give Jackie a chance to stretch and go hunt while he incubates. I saw two little bobble-headed baby eaglets when they traded places. Soooooooo sweet.
...
ETA: I accidentally left this video stream up and running on my laptop and when I came home I got to see another glimpse of a baybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeee eaglets! so cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute! Looks like mama got a beeeeg feeeeesh today
...
ETA again: Josh got his scan results, he has a 4cm grastroc tear and a blood clot in a vein (!) which means he should not fly (!!!) so he just canceled his business trip he was supposed to go to in the morning (!!!!!!) UUUGGGHHHH so scary. His mom is freaking out and wants him to go to the ER, but he is going to urgent care later tonight, even though probably all they can do is give him blood thinners? Ugh so messed up. I'm really glad the flight to J Tree did not hurt him (or worse) - so terrifying.
Also, I saw baybeeeee eaglets agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
