mardi gras oatmeal.

had a really rough day yesterday, but i will mention that the best part of my day was cooking myself steel cut oats, which i had been craving for days - i have had a low-carb low-grain diet for a while now but every once in a while i crave oatmeal, and i am starting to think that my body needs more carbs than i have been giving it, so i am eating more of them lately - adding goji berries, raisins, blueberries, strawberries, and butter to it, and settling down to watch Jackie and Shadow and their babies at the nest, before the storm blew in.

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i went for a gentle slow bike ride, my first real exercise in over a week. it felt terrible. at every intersection i was convinced i would get hit by a car. but i assume it was good for me, anyway. checked out a park i'd never been to. visited mom's memorial bench. there was one single crocus left, glowing in the slanting light.

the crow.

done sparkling, trying to work on taxes, the cafe switched from White Zombie to the full soundtrack playing in order to the original The Crow movie lololololol. I have every note of this completely memorized. omg I wore out that CD and DVD as a 19 year old when that came out, ugh. My adolescent brain is swimming around in all the angsty dark feels haha.

They keep callllling meeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Meanwhile, Jackie and Shadow ride out the storm like troopers, while the third egg begins to hatch.

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ETA: You can see the 3rd egg starting to hatch here, this happened earlier today.

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EATA: I've also developed a recent sudden addiction to watercolor zentangle videos:

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Haaaaaaaaaaaaa now they switched to the original Matrix soundtrack. RATM ftw lol.

bearable lightness.

have experienced a pretty significant uplift in mood, today. after a very deep dark long drawn out tearful painful depressive episode.

Josh asks, "how?" It's a legitimate question.

But I honestly think there is no answer.

It genuinely feels like I just have to wait out these spells, and they lift like a softening dissipation after a storm, just as mysteriously as they descend, without any specific avoidable or controllable cause.

There is no amount of affirmations or meditation or correct food intake or anything that can make them go away. i have all the tools. i have all the skills. none of them help. mere existence is unbelievably painful through all of it.

It just takes time.

I had been doing my best in the thick of my distress to care for myself. gentle bike rides. taking my supplements and hormones. lots of rest. meditation and affirmations despite the lack of impact or change or feeling. taking showers. there were some things i could not do. like spend the night with my husband. certain aspects of self-care or proper diet or grooming fell by the wayside. there is part of me that feels that visiting mom's memorial bench 2x a week like i do actually does me psychological harm. but i did what i could. i played with the cat, i swept the floors, even though it took everything out of me to do so. i made myself walk and exercise. cooked and cleaned. put on skin cream sometimes. found soothing videos to sink into. drank tea. took grandma's manuscript to a cafe and typed for hours in a sundrenched window seat.

but i don't really see any reason why today i was able to take photos and actually smile. is in the sunshine and warmth? just finally getting enough rest? has the systemic pain i've been experiencing eased up a bit on its own? maybe. or maybe i just had to wait.

hoping to make it to shadowplay tonight, for just a little while. give derek a hug. flirt with finley. go gentle on my foot. go home early. my tummy is not thrilled with me right now so i will rest first.

work was pleasant and gentle, today, and i was able to pretty much finish taxes at the cafe afterward. ready to sit down with Josh this weekend and start working on entering info into a software platform. this adds to my feeling of lightness.