holiday discomfort.

[serafaery]

on tough nights after tough days like today when i got stuck doing computer work (and constantly distracted by youtube or whathaveyou) and spent all of my excess spoons on cooking food for Josh, and cleaning after making said food, and failing to avoid snacking all day long (I really hate it when I do that, it's stress eating and it's bad for me, but at least i didn't open a beer, i thought about it for hours), it gets really hard not to devolve into sadness over my mother's condition, and my father's death, and all of the hardships my family and I have endured over the years. how sad and unnecessary all of that pain was. the constant fear of not having enough to get by, just, pervasive and horrible. If I let myself think about it, it's all just too much, no matter how nice things are now. It isn't too late, for me to have a fulfilling, gentle, healthful, productive, creative life, but it feels like it, sometimes. I can't stop thinking about how miserable mom was last christmas, how she cried when i brought her christmas music, she was in so much pain from the broken hip. i am so sad that we can't be there to try to comfort her in some way, not that we were able to, she didn't know who we were anymore anyway, i just. it feels so wrong to be separated from her like this.