serafaery

had to get up at 4:30am and write an email to my brother, that I did not send until later this morning, after I had my coffee. I woke up, still upset but post-migraine, and realized, hey wait. He's accusing me of "breaking tradition" by not going to x-mas eve with my step-family. But they never invited me!

So, just to get it all out, to try to validate myself and assure myself that I am not the crazy one, here, I want to document what happened.

I don't have written evidence of it, but I know that my brother and I had two conversations about alternative Christmas plans. I asked last weekend when we got coffee if we could do something other than our usual Christmas Brunch, since Josh and I wanted to ski. (I wanted to avoid explaining that I didn't feel safe sharing food with him after going to the Rodways where they would have 6 households gathering indoors and maskless for hours.) He said "A movie and popcorn is just fine," after some back and forth about alternative suggestions about doing something either x-mas night after skiing, or having coffee at Bison on Saturday or Sunday morning (like maybe today would have been nice). He said at least twice that would be "just fine."

Christmas eve I went over to give him his (additional, I'd already given him several) Christmas presents from me, and two batches of homemade cookies to take to for our step-family members, the Rodways. He said he would take them for me, "Of course!" Then he said, "When are we going to hang?" I asked again about either Christmas night or the weekend, and he sorta mumbled a reply, and I said, "We'll figure it out!" Trying to keep it light and not full of expectation. Last year he was so full of anxiety and upset on Christmas, I was trying to take the pressure off of him. Everything seemed all right, as far as I could tell.

I skied with Josh on Christmas. It was delightful. Here is what I sent my brother when I got home Christmas night, and all of his replies.

Friday, 10/25/2020

Me, 6:07pm: "Merry Christmas! Josh and I just got home from skiing. How was your day?"

Shawn, 6:27pm: "Just getting ready to run dinner to Michael Wobbold And his new family"

me, 6:36pm: "Nice! I'm just making josh dinner, let me know if you want to hang out tonight"

Shawn, 6:56pm: "I'll be home about 9P"
Shawn, 7:19pm: "Up to you"
Shawn, 7:24pm: "I will take you anytime I can get you but it's your life and priorities change"
Shawn, 7:24pm: "It's up to you"

(Note, I didn't see the passive-aggressive "I will take you anytime but priorities change" text, I saw "up to you" again and thought it was the first "up to you" he had sent. I didn't realize he'd sent something else in-between those, so I didn't know that he was mad and starting to gaslight/guilt trip me, yet. I found this the next day.

I know he doesn't do well in the evenings, he has narcolepsy and has a really hard time staying awake anytime after about 7pm. So I was already nervous about movie night and prepared for him to just nap on the couch through most of it, but had hoped we could start between 7 or 8. 9pm is really late for beginning a night with someone.)

me, 7:28pm: "Okay do you want to hang out and get Bison in the morning, like 10ish?"

Shawn, 7:36pm: "Not really interested"
Shawn, 7:38pm: "I guess so"
Shawn, 7:50pm: "I suppose I could be more supportive of your new life so yes that would be nice"
Shawn, 7:54pm: "I am truly sorry it was not available this evening"

me, 7:54pm: "If you want to hang out tonight that's fine, I thought you might be tired, it being that late."

Shawn, 7:55pm: "Yes, it's late - tomorrow morn is fine"

me, 8:02pm: "If another time is better that's okay too, I'm around Sunday too, I don't want to impose or make you uncomfortable. My only intention is for you to have a merry Christmas. Maybe let me know how you're feeling in the morning, if that's okay? Or not if you'd rather not, I'll let you decide what might be best for you." (I added a bunch of hearts and christmas emojis)

Shawn, 9:58pm: "Your intentions do not match your actions, and you're not making much sense to me"
Shawn, 9:59pm: "I don't get it"
Shawn, 10:01pm: "Merry Christmas"

Saturday, 12/26/2020

Shawn, 10:58am: "AND you have admitted that you have a tendency to exclude yourself from people for from what I can tell no reason at all whatsoever except for some made up story that you tell yourself
Shawn, 11am: "You chose to break family traditions this year for not just the Rodway's [sic] but from your own flesh and blood"
Shawn 11:04am: "I support you and your new life but that doesn't mean that I am not hurt by the decisions that you make"
Shawn, 11:05am: "I spent Christmas morning alone Sarah"
Shawn, 11:06am: "If you think about it and what Christmas means to me that pretty much sucks ass"
Shawn, 11:08am: "Thank God I'm an adult and know what to do about it so I did just that"
(Note: He admitted wanting to get a hooker for Christmas, when we were talking about alternative ways to celebrate; I am guessing this is a veiled reference to that, the way he used the word "adult")
Shawn, 11:11am: "One again, you are free to make your own decisions and I support you in whatever you do but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt"
Shawn, 11:57am: "What have I done that's so bad that it makes you not want to spend Christmas morning with me ??"
Shawn, 11:57am: "I don't understand"
Shawn, 12pm: "I'm outta here, going to the beach. I think I need to go have a talk with Grandpa"

(Note: grandpa died when I was 12, I never really knew him very well. Grandma died when I was 21 or so, dad died when I was 26. Our father's parents were dead before I was born. Mom is in hospice and hasn't said my name in years, she doesn't know who I am. Shawn is my only blood sibling/relative, other than a four or five distant various-times-removed cousins I've met once or twice, or in most cases never, if so, so many years ago that i wouldn't recognize them on the street.)

This Saturday rant from him spun me the fuck out (I did a pretty decent job saying calm Christmas night) and resulted in a migraine (my first since last hanukkah). Gregory suggested that I tell him the the reason I didn't want to have brunch with him was because I didn't want to take the covid risk, which is the real truth. I can let him decide whether or not to accept that or be upset by that but at least I've told him my reasoning. People who are not covid safe are not rational, so there's no reasoning with them, they aren't being logical so I don't have to expect a logical response, but at least I can say my peace.

Also it's a bunch of bullshit that he "supports" my "new life" whatever the fuck that means. He clearly doesn't. I got married a little over a year ago, other than that, my life is the same. We still live in a little 1br apartment. I still work for myself, when I can.

Yeah, I avoid people who are being emotionally abusive. It's not a story I tell myself. It's protecting myself from abuse. (I'm not going there with him, no need to feed his passive-aggressive bullshit.)

I am so exhausted by all of this fucking drama. Nobody else in my life ever acts like this.

So, I woke up at 4am realizing that wait, my brother accused me of "breaking tradition" with the step-family, but they never even invited me to Christmas. So I drafted this at 4:30am last night, then got up this morning and had my coffee, edited it some, and sent it.

Sunday, 9:55am

I wanted to wait until I was not shaking or weeping or dealing with a migraine, before trying to answer any of the messages you sent me on Christmas and after.

When we talked about doing something other than Christmas brunch last week, you told me that doing something different, like a movie night, "would be just fine." You said you were okay with that. You can change your mind about how you feel about that, but berating and guilt-tripping me on Christmas about it, with no warning, after you said it was fine, is not productive. I had no way to know that you were not okay about it until I got your messages, in the middle of trying to prepare for a Christmas evening with you. You are my only connection left to my parents and my grandparents. Getting a bunch of unexpected, angry messages from you on Christmas will take a long time for me to recover from.

The Rodways didn't invite me to Christmas Eve. I sent them all Christmas cards, I sent them all gifts (unless you didn't deliver the homemade cookies I baked for them?). I reached out to all of them, and made an effort to connect in covid-safe ways. None of them bothered to say Merry Christmas, or thank you, or anything, except for Jim. As far as I know I was not welcome or wanted. I didn't get a single card, except from Maria.(*Note: Maria is my step-dad's girlfriend; she is not a Rodway. Our step-dad divorced our mom when she got dementia.) They didn't offer any alternative way to participate. How am I the one who "broke tradition"?

One could assume that they didn't invite me because they know I'm being covid safe, but no one said as much. They just didn't invite me.

Accepting highly risky covid behavior is not something I am willing to do. One reason I wanted to suggest alternatives to our usual Christmas Brunch, besides not being able to share it with mom anymore, is that I don't feel safe sharing food or time indoors with you after you gather with multiple households against CDC health and state covid guidelines, and/or if you are soliticing prostitution during covid. Those are risks I am unwilling to take. I am trying to protect my own health, to take care of myself. If you decide to take offense to that, there's nothing I can do about that.

Santa told me to hold onto your gifts until you're feeling better.

-Sarah

Sigh.

..........................

I am going to try to shake all of this off and do some baking, today. Need a shower, first. I am literally dripping sweat from all of the anxiety and stress this has caused. So shitty.

I am going to call tomorrow to see if I can get some counseling around this fucked up relationship. I can't let my brother keep disrupting my life like this. It's not okay. I am worthy of kind, respectful treatment and common courtesy. Especially on Christmas.