love more, worry less.
Aug. 8th, 2021 03:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryhad the idea recently to try to practice going a period of time without worry. like say, a week. or a month. or the rest of my life, lol.
it's really hard! especially while driving. i thought i could just shut it off somehow but noooooo, it happens before i even realize it is happening. it is going to take some effort. but i think if i am able to do this, or just try, it might give me some room/spare energy that i can redirect toward more productive things. i feel so stagnant and restless and useless and stuck. i've felt this way a lot, on and off, during my life, it's not unfamiliar, but it is very unpleasant.
found out one of my best friends (i thought) did not invite me to her birthday party this weekend. that's okay, people need distance sometimes. i will wait until she needs me again and stay away for a bit.
delta is really messing up my friendships.
the boys don't want to see me today, either. that's fine, i will redirect my energies elsewhere. they can call on me if they decide i am worthy of their time again one day. or not. i'm tired of trying, with them. just very tired.
i really wore myself out skating, today. very very tired. haven't skated in so many weeks, haven't skated consistently at all since covid. 1x a month or so is not really skating.
but i keep trying. it felt good to push myself to shaking, near-vomiting exhaustion, today. i feel weak. of course i am. lockdown will do that to a person. i will keep hiking and biking and maybe try to pick up running, again.
ate a bunch of comfort food the last couple of days. cheese biscuit, cookies, latte today (also a ton of walnuts, an apple, and a banana), popcorn and a beer for dinner last night, biscuits and naan with hummus for lunch/breakfast yesterday (and apple, banana, avocado, and nuts). whatever. NO WORRIES lol.
one day i'll eat vegetables again.
so much work i should be doing. just want to sleep. the cat woke me up barfing at 6am again this morning. he also left a puke puddle for me when i got home this afternoon. poor thing. seems totally random.
my life was better when i didn't have a cat. oh well. it's not his fault, poor thing.
serafaery without a cat just doesn't make sense. i guess my life is just support so vaguely suck, and revolve around cats. 2019 was an anomaly. a really beautiful, pain free, income-heavy, healthy, full-nights-of-sleep, strong, athletic, petless, happy anomaly. i can recalibrate to this awfulness. always in pain, always tired, always financially stressed. i'm used to it. i've done this for 45 of my 46 years on this earth.
i'm okay. just having a crap week. month. pandemic. i dunno.
it's really hard! especially while driving. i thought i could just shut it off somehow but noooooo, it happens before i even realize it is happening. it is going to take some effort. but i think if i am able to do this, or just try, it might give me some room/spare energy that i can redirect toward more productive things. i feel so stagnant and restless and useless and stuck. i've felt this way a lot, on and off, during my life, it's not unfamiliar, but it is very unpleasant.
found out one of my best friends (i thought) did not invite me to her birthday party this weekend. that's okay, people need distance sometimes. i will wait until she needs me again and stay away for a bit.
delta is really messing up my friendships.
the boys don't want to see me today, either. that's fine, i will redirect my energies elsewhere. they can call on me if they decide i am worthy of their time again one day. or not. i'm tired of trying, with them. just very tired.
i really wore myself out skating, today. very very tired. haven't skated in so many weeks, haven't skated consistently at all since covid. 1x a month or so is not really skating.
but i keep trying. it felt good to push myself to shaking, near-vomiting exhaustion, today. i feel weak. of course i am. lockdown will do that to a person. i will keep hiking and biking and maybe try to pick up running, again.
ate a bunch of comfort food the last couple of days. cheese biscuit, cookies, latte today (also a ton of walnuts, an apple, and a banana), popcorn and a beer for dinner last night, biscuits and naan with hummus for lunch/breakfast yesterday (and apple, banana, avocado, and nuts). whatever. NO WORRIES lol.
one day i'll eat vegetables again.
so much work i should be doing. just want to sleep. the cat woke me up barfing at 6am again this morning. he also left a puke puddle for me when i got home this afternoon. poor thing. seems totally random.
my life was better when i didn't have a cat. oh well. it's not his fault, poor thing.
serafaery without a cat just doesn't make sense. i guess my life is just support so vaguely suck, and revolve around cats. 2019 was an anomaly. a really beautiful, pain free, income-heavy, healthy, full-nights-of-sleep, strong, athletic, petless, happy anomaly. i can recalibrate to this awfulness. always in pain, always tired, always financially stressed. i'm used to it. i've done this for 45 of my 46 years on this earth.
i'm okay. just having a crap week. month. pandemic. i dunno.
