post-holiday crash.

[serafaery]

need to be honest with myself that i'm bereft that tyler is being mean over the holidays, finley is entirely absent and unresponsive (this is normal for him, especially this time of year, and he has warned me of this, i am not supposed to take it personally but it still hurts), and i've realized that the magic mom brought to christmas cannot be continued with my brother - we failed entirely this year and i have no desire to ever try again. and neither does he, he said as much, that next year we'll just join the step-family for chinese. it's just gone. christmas morning is gone. santa never came. i cannot carry that magic forward, it was all her, i don't have it, i don't know how to create it, no one wants to share it with me, no one cares or understands or ever will. i thought i could honor her in this way but i can't. i don't know how to honor her memory at all. all i can do is feel loss.

Comments

[michaelboy]

This feels so sad. I'm really sorry. You know one way I honor the people I've lost is to try to think of ways to make them proud of me even though they are gone. It's why I started volunteering in the ER because of the many times my wife was treated there. So after she passed, it felt so natural and right to do. I hope you find some peace.

[serafaery]

Thank you for this, it's been tough, but I will pull through. I've been through so much grief and loss that sometimes it just completely consumes me for a day or three. I like your idea of honoring them by doing what they would be proud to see. Thank you for the suggestion.