fatigue

[serafaery]

mom died on the 19th of January, last year. as it gets closer, my vision feels clouded, my head feels heavy. waves of grief hit repeatedly, some harder than others, but all so deeply darkly sad.

i feel very certain that i share her fate, but, i'm not going to fret about it anymore. more important is to fill my life which as much goodness as i can, while i still can. something i wish she could have done more of. i wish she could have been free to be comfortable and at peace with her place in the world, at some point. i wish i'd been strong enough to be able to provide that to her, before she self-destructed. sometimes it still feels completely purposeless to exist without her.

i'm very tired and cranky, tonight. went for a run after work. which was all wonderful but just draining, and i had to sparkle the lady i didn't want to sparkle. she was not as terrible as last time but still really, really difficult. i don't know how to get out of sparkling her? i have no real reason to other than it's unpleasant and exhausting. how do i do this.

had plenty of food for dinner but still feeling munchies, stressy munchies. i bought toasted corn and potato chips, ack. i did eat some healthy things. maybe will have a daisy clementine before i dig into the chips.

there is so much i want to do, this weekend. i want to sit with my winter cards, and get them out. i want to bake all of the cookies. i want to deliver all of the cookies.

i want to post a small handful of winter delights photos to instagram but just can't seem to make myself do it? this is odd, usually social media is compulsive. when did it become a chore?

i need some tea. or something with a little more punch to it, perhaps.

i need a hug, and some dancing. tyler invited me to a west coast swing night tonight, but i don't know that dance and have no interest in dancing with strangers during a surge, even though we likely none of us will get very sick, we could still contribute to someone elderly and fragile getting ill by carrying it and spreading it around asymptomatically. no thanks.

any little momentary tickle in my throat sends me google searching for testing sites. but so far i haven't had any actual symptoms of any kind.

i am so, so tired of this.

Comments

[michaelboy]

I'm so sorry. A year can seem like a long time but also can go by in an instant.

I wonder how you feel you will share the same fate as her. I hope not.

[faeryboots]

Sending my love and hugs to you in this difficult time. Thinking of you. 💗

[arethinn]

I hear you on the paranoia about slight shenanigans in the throat. I think in the past not quite two years I've had four or five times (the most recent just a couple of days ago) where I would get a minor sore throat and maybe a feeling of sinus congestion and go "oh no" and then it would just go away after like two days without developing into anything else. All the other times I reminded myself the common cold is still a thing, although I did find it strange that none of them progressed further into other symptoms (not that I was really complaining). But this last one was kind of scary because of how transmissible omicron is. But then it went away too and no one else in my house got sick from me sooo...?