![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryquick notes for today:
first:
* morning chores, clean up kitchen, morning exercises, shower
Most urgent:
* schedule car service
* online orders
* schedule a time today to sign contract for Beltane event at Overlook with Margaret and Taffy
necessary for sanity:
* put away laundry
* cat food and groceries
* start using calorie counting app again
* sign up for more dance groups since it seems like dance is opening back up
* journal about trip
* unpack from trip
I have this intense desire to order more candles from bath and bodyworks, oof. not used to retail addition of any kind. but the sweet carrot cake is seasonal and i love it so. that's how they getcha.
...
i'm trying to find off the urge to sob through my morning. i'm in a lot of physical pain and haven't been sleeping well, that's part of it. lunar is back to daily barfing, that's another part. poor kitty. the thoughts that are making me so sad are about mom again, and how we could not care for her the way we should have been able to. our society is structured in an anti-human way, in my opinion. that it's not possible for someone to be able to afford to take care of a dying parent is inhumane, in my opinion. i would have had to end my career in faery hair and become a full time caretaker, and even then i would need to hire someone to give me daily breaks, and the state only provides about $1400 a month for people in such situations. how could i possibly pay rent and utilities for mom and i, buy food, buy her supplies, pay for my backup caretaker, and cover overages of medical expenses (of which there were always many) on that income. there would be absolutely no way to survive, financially, and my career would have been devastated, i would have lost all of my momentum and following and trying to re-build my own business in my late 40s from scratch would have been difficult to impossible. but in other societies, the rest of the family steps up and pitches in, friends don't abandon their sick elders, families are built to withstand this. it makes me so sad and sick and angry to think about how we are denied this basic dignity, to die with our loved ones, surrounded in support and familiarity and gentleness and softness and warmth. mom had a good caretaker, and so does this lady i've been following online for 20 years in the faery community - a wonderful one who she talks about regularly with nothing but praise. but where are her children, and grandchildren, while her heart is failing? they wouldn't *exist* without her, and they're not there?! this woman is a famous (relatively) author and a beautiful writer, a magical human with seemingly not a mean bone in her magical body, i mean of course i don't know her that personally, and she talks of her children and especially grandchildren with pride and affection, so, even successful kind writers don't get to die with their family? it's awful and it makes me so endlessly sad.
there is a lot of emotion i have to process from the weekend. i love ben and tyler dearly, but spending extended stretches of downtime with them can be difficult and painful, due to their general selfishness and lack of sensitivity. their extremely high tolerance for negative stimulation is something i find unbearable, at times. i appreciate that when i voice my discomfort, at least they are able to augment their behavior and be more kind and gentle, with me. they enjoy toughness and being forced to be tough, i think, and they see how *physically* tough i am (hauling firewood, skiing for miles, bodyweight training in the mornings, etc.) and assume i am the same as them - but i am emotionally delicate and need gentle handling, there.
so much more to process. ugh. long day ahead, but it's the good kind of busy.
....
these two comix from the![[syndicated profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/feed.png)
dinosaur_comics_feed (Dinosaur comics) made me happy:
...
"7day begins with periods of steady rain all the way into Wednesday. The heaviest 24 hour rain totals will be today when Portland could see 1.00 - 1.50" of rainfall. Gusty south winds in the valley to 35 mph. The weekend forecast is uncertain and for now includes a shower chance each day."
...
Josh is concerned for mama hummingbird. I am so grateful that my husband is the gentle type.
first:
* morning chores, clean up kitchen, morning exercises, shower
Most urgent:
* schedule car service
* online orders
* schedule a time today to sign contract for Beltane event at Overlook with Margaret and Taffy
necessary for sanity:
* put away laundry
* cat food and groceries
* start using calorie counting app again
* sign up for more dance groups since it seems like dance is opening back up
* journal about trip
* unpack from trip
I have this intense desire to order more candles from bath and bodyworks, oof. not used to retail addition of any kind. but the sweet carrot cake is seasonal and i love it so. that's how they getcha.
...
i'm trying to find off the urge to sob through my morning. i'm in a lot of physical pain and haven't been sleeping well, that's part of it. lunar is back to daily barfing, that's another part. poor kitty. the thoughts that are making me so sad are about mom again, and how we could not care for her the way we should have been able to. our society is structured in an anti-human way, in my opinion. that it's not possible for someone to be able to afford to take care of a dying parent is inhumane, in my opinion. i would have had to end my career in faery hair and become a full time caretaker, and even then i would need to hire someone to give me daily breaks, and the state only provides about $1400 a month for people in such situations. how could i possibly pay rent and utilities for mom and i, buy food, buy her supplies, pay for my backup caretaker, and cover overages of medical expenses (of which there were always many) on that income. there would be absolutely no way to survive, financially, and my career would have been devastated, i would have lost all of my momentum and following and trying to re-build my own business in my late 40s from scratch would have been difficult to impossible. but in other societies, the rest of the family steps up and pitches in, friends don't abandon their sick elders, families are built to withstand this. it makes me so sad and sick and angry to think about how we are denied this basic dignity, to die with our loved ones, surrounded in support and familiarity and gentleness and softness and warmth. mom had a good caretaker, and so does this lady i've been following online for 20 years in the faery community - a wonderful one who she talks about regularly with nothing but praise. but where are her children, and grandchildren, while her heart is failing? they wouldn't *exist* without her, and they're not there?! this woman is a famous (relatively) author and a beautiful writer, a magical human with seemingly not a mean bone in her magical body, i mean of course i don't know her that personally, and she talks of her children and especially grandchildren with pride and affection, so, even successful kind writers don't get to die with their family? it's awful and it makes me so endlessly sad.
there is a lot of emotion i have to process from the weekend. i love ben and tyler dearly, but spending extended stretches of downtime with them can be difficult and painful, due to their general selfishness and lack of sensitivity. their extremely high tolerance for negative stimulation is something i find unbearable, at times. i appreciate that when i voice my discomfort, at least they are able to augment their behavior and be more kind and gentle, with me. they enjoy toughness and being forced to be tough, i think, and they see how *physically* tough i am (hauling firewood, skiing for miles, bodyweight training in the mornings, etc.) and assume i am the same as them - but i am emotionally delicate and need gentle handling, there.
so much more to process. ugh. long day ahead, but it's the good kind of busy.
....
these two comix from the
dinosaur_comics_feed (Dinosaur comics) made me happy:...
"7day begins with periods of steady rain all the way into Wednesday. The heaviest 24 hour rain totals will be today when Portland could see 1.00 - 1.50" of rainfall. Gusty south winds in the valley to 35 mph. The weekend forecast is uncertain and for now includes a shower chance each day."
...
Josh is concerned for mama hummingbird. I am so grateful that my husband is the gentle type.
no subject
Date: 2022-03-02 12:13 am (UTC)