serafaery

trying to reset.

my heart feels shredded.

could not sleep last night. but at least, no nightmares.

it's overwhelming, the flood of mom memories from so many people.

she was such a force. so much influence, charm, charisma, talent, generosity, love.

but where were they when she got sick.

it's really hard.

comparison is never healthy. but it's hard not to feel forever inadequate and like i failed her.

but the sun came out for us, on what was supposed to be an entirely rainy day.

maybe that counts for something.

maybe she was smiling on us.

".....where is your dad?"

i want to frame the photos my brother gave me. he took them out during the downpour. originals from the 60s.

i watched the edges of them curl from moisture.

"Do you want to hang onto these, sis?"

i think i will try to find frames for them. mom's original wedding photo with my dad, and two photos he took of her when shawn, my older brother, was a small child.

...

today i will do my morning exercises and go for a run, catch up on office stuff, and go back to silks class, very carefully.

the sun is out, again.

tyler texted me.

my life feels so tenuous. balancing on the most precarious little ledge. gusts of joy and despair threatening to topple everything.

but i am not alone. i will always hurt. that's okay.

...

i don't want to ever host another memorial.

there is no one in my life who would ever host one for me.

it doesn't matter. maybe i can just try to live a life that doesn't ever need a memorial.