wishing doesn't make it so.
Sep. 29th, 2022 08:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryneed to go run before work. but i need to get a couple of things out. i just feel awful this morning.
i'm so grateful and lucky for everything good in my life. i just woke up to some really bad nightmares. i definitely need a bug-out bag, a better one than just my purse, one with a set of clothing/jackets for josh and myself, food and water, shoes, emergency cash and backup phone, fire, first aid, emergency supplies, lights, rain protection, stuff like that. in my nightmare, something had exploded nearby and people were running down the street in terror to get away from it. i saw a cloud of grey rolling toward us and screamed at josh to get out of the apartment. and then i stopped and couldn't find my bag. i need something by the door that i can just throw over my shoulder and run.
also, i just can't shake the feeling that i failed lunar. he should be here. i miss him so much and i feel so devastatingly guilty for what happened to him. it feels like it was my fault. if i'd been more careful in the beginning and had not allowed that big fall to happen off the banister. if i'd brushed him more often and trimmed his claws, maybe he was scratching his mouth making it worse? maybe if i'd tried harder to improve his diet. and that whole time he was sick and i ignored it, because he'd had three exams and nobody bothered to actually check inside his mouth and they all told me he was fine, so i believed he was just a sniffly sneezy cat. i could have been giving him pain medication when he needed help. i tried with him, but i got tired. i failed. i hate this feeling. i miss him so much. i can't look at videos and photos because he deserved better. i didn't deserve him. i don't deserve another cat. i wish he were still here, i wish he was okay, i hate not having my friend, now that it's finally rainy cold cozy pumpkin spice sweater weather.
i named my skelekitty wishbone. because i wish things had been different.
ate too much food yesterday. went out with fredrick and he seemed to need some comfort. wow did he get himself in a bad predicament. poor thing. i suppose i could run after work, i only work until 2 today. maybe i can run twice.
i'm so grateful and lucky for everything good in my life. i just woke up to some really bad nightmares. i definitely need a bug-out bag, a better one than just my purse, one with a set of clothing/jackets for josh and myself, food and water, shoes, emergency cash and backup phone, fire, first aid, emergency supplies, lights, rain protection, stuff like that. in my nightmare, something had exploded nearby and people were running down the street in terror to get away from it. i saw a cloud of grey rolling toward us and screamed at josh to get out of the apartment. and then i stopped and couldn't find my bag. i need something by the door that i can just throw over my shoulder and run.
also, i just can't shake the feeling that i failed lunar. he should be here. i miss him so much and i feel so devastatingly guilty for what happened to him. it feels like it was my fault. if i'd been more careful in the beginning and had not allowed that big fall to happen off the banister. if i'd brushed him more often and trimmed his claws, maybe he was scratching his mouth making it worse? maybe if i'd tried harder to improve his diet. and that whole time he was sick and i ignored it, because he'd had three exams and nobody bothered to actually check inside his mouth and they all told me he was fine, so i believed he was just a sniffly sneezy cat. i could have been giving him pain medication when he needed help. i tried with him, but i got tired. i failed. i hate this feeling. i miss him so much. i can't look at videos and photos because he deserved better. i didn't deserve him. i don't deserve another cat. i wish he were still here, i wish he was okay, i hate not having my friend, now that it's finally rainy cold cozy pumpkin spice sweater weather.
i named my skelekitty wishbone. because i wish things had been different.
ate too much food yesterday. went out with fredrick and he seemed to need some comfort. wow did he get himself in a bad predicament. poor thing. i suppose i could run after work, i only work until 2 today. maybe i can run twice.
