moods - dissonance
Apr. 18th, 2024 09:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryjust a smudge of carbon.
a bundle of mysteries and polarities.
depressed and elated.
thanatos and eros.
desperation for survival and wishing to escape.
energy and fatigue.
divinity and meaninglessness.
delight and despair, delirium and clarity.
love and more love, loneliness and revulsion.
sunshine and dark thoughts.
white kitten, black toe beans.
the most amazing husband who has to be coaxed into connection.
sober and over-caffeinated.
somehow both over- and under-worked, over- and under-fed.
i have no idea who i am or what i am doing.
let the faeries decide.
a bundle of mysteries and polarities.
depressed and elated.
thanatos and eros.
desperation for survival and wishing to escape.
energy and fatigue.
divinity and meaninglessness.
delight and despair, delirium and clarity.
love and more love, loneliness and revulsion.
sunshine and dark thoughts.
white kitten, black toe beans.
the most amazing husband who has to be coaxed into connection.
sober and over-caffeinated.
somehow both over- and under-worked, over- and under-fed.
i have no idea who i am or what i am doing.
let the faeries decide.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-19 12:48 pm (UTC)I spent my 20's and part of my 30's struggling with the question of identity, full of storms.
I'm not sure how it changed for me--maybe the chemicals in my brain just settled down, maybe it was finally finding a career that felt like it had a purpose.
In some ways, though, I miss the intensity I felt. Not the chaos amd frustration in my head, that was terrible; but my senses felt heightened all the time, and today I'm more "inside" my head more of the time. Maybe because it's finally more peaceful in there?
Divinity and meaninglessness... that has been my central tension forever. If it helps, I don't think meaninglessness is true anymore. I don't know what the meaning is, but I really have faith that something matters about us.