delicate flower.
Apr. 27th, 2024 10:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaerywas a tearful painful day, but punctuated with sweetness here and there.
feeling profoundly lonely and unseen, lately.
Josh is reading Duhigg's new book, Supercommunicators, which is on my recommended list and I might put it in my queue.
So when I was venting to him a little bit after circus, when we were sitting and having a bite and a warm beverage at our local cafe, he paused and asked, looking at me intently and primed by his new reading, "Is this a practical conversation, or an emotional conversation, or an identity conversation?" so that he would understand better how to listen and proceed.
At his sudden attempt to really understand me carefully (instead of just tolerating the sound of my voice), I, of course, started weeping.
sigh.
once I recovered, we also had some fun analyzing the pitfalls of some of the conversational fails I have experienced at work lately. "Are they not very good communicators?" Josh asks, with a faintly mirthful expression.
...
Today was nice overall, regardless of tearfulness and physical pain in my foot and shoulders. it rained but only softly, and later it was just breezy and thickly overcast and not wet. silks with josh in the morning, cooked and cleaned a bit, got my orders all finished and shipped, picked up some groceries, took a gentle nap while listening to how chronic pain can be a manifestation of emotional pain (SOMEtimes), played with and walked avalanche, washed my sheets and changed my bedding, skipped dinner, listened to two ursula k leguin stories. i'm starting to get a feel for her style and while i don't dislike it, there are distasteful moments that i wish i could erase, and moments where i wish i could add more sweetness. she loves androgyny and shameless sex (the binary gendered people are the shamelessly slutty ones - the androgyns are sexless so far) and it's kind of fun but also weirdly empty. she is searching for ways to fill the emptiness and i think there are more opportunities that i wish she would pounce on. in this last story, there were empaths in the sense that they could literally feel the emotions of other sentient beings, but instead of this emotional connection being beautiful, it was painful and isolating and terrifying and infuriating and sad. that's... not where i would have taken it.
it was like... when i was at circus, this morning, all these people there, doing their creative things, with downcast eyes, saying only the briefest of required social greetings, when all i wanted to do was snuggle into all of them and tell them how beautiful and wonderful i think they all are. (okay not all of them, but at least dave and amira and a little bit rose, and i feel affection or ashlyn and jodie, too - not emily but only because i don't know her at all and don't remember ever meeting her or seeing her before). but instead i have to follow their cues and stay looking away and downcast and pretend i don't see them or don't think of them or don't care at all.
sigh.
it's just... hard to find genuine connection, and i am constantly starved for it, and starting to wonder if i will always and forever just be starving.
i am also hungry from skipping dinner. this is the first time i've managed to skip an entire meal since i started to try to think about working on this ten pounds of weight gain - i used to be able to fast for an entire 24 hours, that feels impossible right now. to get to my regular weight by my birthday i would have to skip a meal like this pretty much every day for the next two weeks, and i just don't see that happening. so, chubby 49th birthday, whatevs. that's fine.
josh told me about a fitness guy he watched on youtube who calls his belly that showed up when he turned 70 "mister jiggles" and explains that he can't eat after 7pm because that's when mister jiggles starts talking to him, saying, "feeeed meeeeee" lol. this is a helpful image for some reason. i am now calling my belly mister jiggles, also.
took a long walk tonight. really needed it. i am a simple creature. i think i just need to treat myself like a daisy.
feeling profoundly lonely and unseen, lately.
Josh is reading Duhigg's new book, Supercommunicators, which is on my recommended list and I might put it in my queue.
So when I was venting to him a little bit after circus, when we were sitting and having a bite and a warm beverage at our local cafe, he paused and asked, looking at me intently and primed by his new reading, "Is this a practical conversation, or an emotional conversation, or an identity conversation?" so that he would understand better how to listen and proceed.
At his sudden attempt to really understand me carefully (instead of just tolerating the sound of my voice), I, of course, started weeping.
sigh.
once I recovered, we also had some fun analyzing the pitfalls of some of the conversational fails I have experienced at work lately. "Are they not very good communicators?" Josh asks, with a faintly mirthful expression.
...
Today was nice overall, regardless of tearfulness and physical pain in my foot and shoulders. it rained but only softly, and later it was just breezy and thickly overcast and not wet. silks with josh in the morning, cooked and cleaned a bit, got my orders all finished and shipped, picked up some groceries, took a gentle nap while listening to how chronic pain can be a manifestation of emotional pain (SOMEtimes), played with and walked avalanche, washed my sheets and changed my bedding, skipped dinner, listened to two ursula k leguin stories. i'm starting to get a feel for her style and while i don't dislike it, there are distasteful moments that i wish i could erase, and moments where i wish i could add more sweetness. she loves androgyny and shameless sex (the binary gendered people are the shamelessly slutty ones - the androgyns are sexless so far) and it's kind of fun but also weirdly empty. she is searching for ways to fill the emptiness and i think there are more opportunities that i wish she would pounce on. in this last story, there were empaths in the sense that they could literally feel the emotions of other sentient beings, but instead of this emotional connection being beautiful, it was painful and isolating and terrifying and infuriating and sad. that's... not where i would have taken it.
it was like... when i was at circus, this morning, all these people there, doing their creative things, with downcast eyes, saying only the briefest of required social greetings, when all i wanted to do was snuggle into all of them and tell them how beautiful and wonderful i think they all are. (okay not all of them, but at least dave and amira and a little bit rose, and i feel affection or ashlyn and jodie, too - not emily but only because i don't know her at all and don't remember ever meeting her or seeing her before). but instead i have to follow their cues and stay looking away and downcast and pretend i don't see them or don't think of them or don't care at all.
sigh.
it's just... hard to find genuine connection, and i am constantly starved for it, and starting to wonder if i will always and forever just be starving.
i am also hungry from skipping dinner. this is the first time i've managed to skip an entire meal since i started to try to think about working on this ten pounds of weight gain - i used to be able to fast for an entire 24 hours, that feels impossible right now. to get to my regular weight by my birthday i would have to skip a meal like this pretty much every day for the next two weeks, and i just don't see that happening. so, chubby 49th birthday, whatevs. that's fine.
josh told me about a fitness guy he watched on youtube who calls his belly that showed up when he turned 70 "mister jiggles" and explains that he can't eat after 7pm because that's when mister jiggles starts talking to him, saying, "feeeed meeeeee" lol. this is a helpful image for some reason. i am now calling my belly mister jiggles, also.
took a long walk tonight. really needed it. i am a simple creature. i think i just need to treat myself like a daisy.
