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serafaeryfell into a really dark depressive hole. woke up in tears this morning. foot pain has increased out of nowhere seemingly caused by nothing, and I've been unable to do any PT for three days, or anything else, really. not exercising worsens my mood and also demotivates me from further exercise, which is a dangerous cycle to be caught in. i need to go to the gym and at least row or something, i would swim but i feel too nauseated right now. i would bike but it hurts to sit on those seats that the bikes have at the gym, i might try a folded towel on it and see if that dulls the pain at all? i'm frustrated and so sad.
my tinnitus is getting worse, as are my headaches, all perimenopause symptoms. i'm sure it's not helping my mood, either. my doctor canceled my appt for tomorrow, super frustrating. i need to start hrt and he's done this to me more than once. i might need to find someone new. might see if i can use cynthia's new doctor i dunno.
need to find a new ob/gyn too, sooooo dreading that. those visits are just the absolute worst. i think going forward i will tell anyone who deals with that part of my body that i have severe childhood sexual trauma. they should all ask, in my opinion. since so many women have. and it can make the experience especially horrific, on top of just unpleasant and uncomfortable. no doctor has ever asked me this.
(i found it really interesting how the back specialist that huberman had on last week explained that he can tell by symptomology whether someone he's seeing has been traumatized.)
I want to read Sapolsky's new book, Determined. My first year in grad school with Dan Dennett as my advisor, I took a class with him on his book, Freedom Evolves, which argues for a deterministic definition of free will. (He put all of us in that class on his list of contributors/advisors, since we all wrote papers on his draft and basically were enlisted to critique his work before publication.) It looks like Sapolsky is building on that concept and taking it further and I'm super interested in it. As I've aged, I see more and more how biology and environment (and happenstance) have a much bigger influence on my life than my thoughts, and how dangerous it is for people to believe they, or others, have total control of their decision-making when they *clearly* are heavily influenced (if not totally controlled) by so many outside factors. I haven't wanted to read much philosophy since basically flunking out of my grad program (I was dealing with getting a hip reconstructed and the loss of my father and a lot of other things going wrong, so I don't really consider it a personal or intellectual failure, but it still sucks not to have an MA after 3 years of study), but this is sort of pop-philosophy blended with social studies and self-improvement that piques my interest and entices my analytic side. I know Sapolsky cites Dan as an influence, so that's fun, too.
My coop is having a members meeting/party and I need to leave in about half an hour to go to that, I really wanted to go to the gym today but this is my third day in a row of feeling like ass, I just can't right now. Maybe later tonight I feel more up to it? Tomorrow is a new day. I'm just... really sad about the set-back, after a week of feeling like I was making really good progress. I've been over-eating again the last two days, which I had finally stopped doing, and it just feels like I will never go back to a healthy body shape/weight, unless I can run again, and I don't see a path to ever get back to running, with my foot refusing to heal.
We did get a beautiful thunderstorm, this morning. un-forecasted, out of nowhere. but i kind of felt it coming. i am from here. i knew it would rain, today. the colors of the clouds were eerie and beautiful. i realize this is unseasonal and a sign of climate unraveling, but after waking in such a miserable state, i choose to at least appreciate the beauty of the flames, while watching the world slowly burn around us. i saw a lightning bolt, something i haven't seen in a very long time, after getting an unexpected tender hug from finley, on his way to work - he ran into me outside walking avalanche, as the storm was edging closer. he is good at holding space for me when i am in pain, and i am so grateful to him for this, as it is one thing my husband has yet to master. though he is trying, and getting better at it, slowly. i feel loved, and that matters more than anything.
there are power outages from the storm all over the city, it passed directly over us, loud cracking thunder that sent avalanche diving under the bed for the first time. she slept right through the 4th of july, but this was too much for her. (she recovered pretty quickly, as is her nature.)
my tinnitus is getting worse, as are my headaches, all perimenopause symptoms. i'm sure it's not helping my mood, either. my doctor canceled my appt for tomorrow, super frustrating. i need to start hrt and he's done this to me more than once. i might need to find someone new. might see if i can use cynthia's new doctor i dunno.
need to find a new ob/gyn too, sooooo dreading that. those visits are just the absolute worst. i think going forward i will tell anyone who deals with that part of my body that i have severe childhood sexual trauma. they should all ask, in my opinion. since so many women have. and it can make the experience especially horrific, on top of just unpleasant and uncomfortable. no doctor has ever asked me this.
(i found it really interesting how the back specialist that huberman had on last week explained that he can tell by symptomology whether someone he's seeing has been traumatized.)
I want to read Sapolsky's new book, Determined. My first year in grad school with Dan Dennett as my advisor, I took a class with him on his book, Freedom Evolves, which argues for a deterministic definition of free will. (He put all of us in that class on his list of contributors/advisors, since we all wrote papers on his draft and basically were enlisted to critique his work before publication.) It looks like Sapolsky is building on that concept and taking it further and I'm super interested in it. As I've aged, I see more and more how biology and environment (and happenstance) have a much bigger influence on my life than my thoughts, and how dangerous it is for people to believe they, or others, have total control of their decision-making when they *clearly* are heavily influenced (if not totally controlled) by so many outside factors. I haven't wanted to read much philosophy since basically flunking out of my grad program (I was dealing with getting a hip reconstructed and the loss of my father and a lot of other things going wrong, so I don't really consider it a personal or intellectual failure, but it still sucks not to have an MA after 3 years of study), but this is sort of pop-philosophy blended with social studies and self-improvement that piques my interest and entices my analytic side. I know Sapolsky cites Dan as an influence, so that's fun, too.
My coop is having a members meeting/party and I need to leave in about half an hour to go to that, I really wanted to go to the gym today but this is my third day in a row of feeling like ass, I just can't right now. Maybe later tonight I feel more up to it? Tomorrow is a new day. I'm just... really sad about the set-back, after a week of feeling like I was making really good progress. I've been over-eating again the last two days, which I had finally stopped doing, and it just feels like I will never go back to a healthy body shape/weight, unless I can run again, and I don't see a path to ever get back to running, with my foot refusing to heal.
We did get a beautiful thunderstorm, this morning. un-forecasted, out of nowhere. but i kind of felt it coming. i am from here. i knew it would rain, today. the colors of the clouds were eerie and beautiful. i realize this is unseasonal and a sign of climate unraveling, but after waking in such a miserable state, i choose to at least appreciate the beauty of the flames, while watching the world slowly burn around us. i saw a lightning bolt, something i haven't seen in a very long time, after getting an unexpected tender hug from finley, on his way to work - he ran into me outside walking avalanche, as the storm was edging closer. he is good at holding space for me when i am in pain, and i am so grateful to him for this, as it is one thing my husband has yet to master. though he is trying, and getting better at it, slowly. i feel loved, and that matters more than anything.
there are power outages from the storm all over the city, it passed directly over us, loud cracking thunder that sent avalanche diving under the bed for the first time. she slept right through the 4th of july, but this was too much for her. (she recovered pretty quickly, as is her nature.)
